Vampire-Baby Mama Drama

Movies: Breaking Dawn pt. 1

Spoilers everywhere.

I might have left the theatre looking as guilty as a guy in a trench coat leaving a porno movie because, God help me, I enjoyed Breaking Dawn. Or, more accurately, I enjoyed the second half of Breaking Dawn. The first half is mostly concerned with whether or not Bella and Edward will have sex on their honeymoon (spoiler alert: they totally do!). But in the second half, things get crazy. Vampire-baby crazy.


The film begins with Edward and Bella's wedding. For some reason, this takes up about 30 minutes of the movie. The best part is Charlie Swan (Bella's dad) looking skeptical about the whole thing and pounding back champagne at the reception. Also, Jacob (Bella's werewolf friend) shows up to dance with Bella and then yell at her when he finds out she's planning on having sex with Edward while she's still human. Since Edward's super-strength allows him to crush diamonds as if they were rose petals, God only knows what he'll do to a human woman while in the throes of passion. Don't worry, Jake--the Twilight books have established that Edward is a 110-year-old virgin, so the consummation will probably only last a minute or two. Wocka wocka!

About the sex: because this is a PG-13 movie, they only show some softly lit kissing and Edward breaking the headboard. Hey, maybe the movie should have been titled "Breaking Headboard". Or, "Breaking Hymen: A Chaste Supernatural Love Story". Anyway, because we're in movieland, the wedding night defloration of two virgins is beautiful, not messy or awkward, and later described as "amazing" and "the best night of my existence". Thanks for setting the bar unreasonably high for all the tweens in the audience, movie!

The next day, Bella has like, three bruises on her arm and Edward emotionally abuses her by getting mad at himself and then mad at her for not being mad at him. Healthy relationship! Edward then denies Bella sex for the rest of the honeymoon because he is a meanie. They play chess instead.

At this point, we're an hour into the movie. I've had about all I can take of romantic indie rock and kowtowing to the Wedding-Industrial Complex. But then the movie takes a turn for the awesome: Bella realizes her period is a week late and that *gasp* her belly is puffy and there's something moving inside it! Edward looks horrified. He tells Bella that his doctor-vampire-father, Carlisle, will "Get that thing out of you". But Bella has already fallen in love with the fetus! I'm sorry, the baby! Heavy-handed anti-abortion message ahead!

They return to the Cullen's home in the woods, where Bella grows paler and more skeletal by the day. Everyone is against her having the baby except Bella herself and baby-obsessed vampire sister-in-law Rosalie. Rosalie doesn't give a crap whether Bella dies, but dammit, she will have something to care for and nurture! I guess Rosalie's maternal instinct didn't die when she did.

Meanwhile, Jacob and his pack of werewolves find out about the vampire-baby fetus and Sam, the alpha wolf, decides they have to kill it before it becomes an uncontrollable threat to their territory. All the wolves must submit to the alpha, except for Jacob because Stephenie Meyers says so Jacob is the grandson of the chief and has magical not-submitting powers.

Jacob vows to protect Bella, and he and the rest of the Cullens surround Bella and feed her delicious blood until the baby comes. When it does, Dr. Cullen is out feeding, so Edward has to deliver the baby. He does this by biting into Bella's uterus and tearing the baby out. It's a girl and Bella names her "Renesme", a mix of Bella and Edward's mothers' names. Bella then dies. Edward injects venom into her to "turn" her and then bites her all over. Jacob goes to kill Renesme, but ends up "imprinting" on her and falling insanely in love. Remember kids, this is Twilight world, where love just magically happens and isn't based on a history of shared experiences, respect, and trust, or anything like that. Silly!

Conveniently, the wolf pack can't kill Renesme now because their "most absolute rule" is that you can't kill someone that a fellow wolf has imprinted on.

So then comes the big reveal. Bella has been lying there like a corpse for days, but when the vampire venom starts working its magic, she transforms from a skeletal pasty-face to a big-boobed pasty-face! I'm serious. You actually see her boobs puff up. And apparently vampire venom gives you eyeshadow that is perfect for your skin tone and hair color...for eternity! In the last scene, Bella opens her eyes, and they are blood-red. END OF MOVIE!

Overall, it was pretty awesome. I still think Bella should have gone for Jacob because he's a lot more attractive and a lot less emotionally manipulative than Edward. He's a man who'll give it to you straight. Edward is the kind of man-boy who sulks and makes you guess why he's upset. Basically, he is a 17-year-old boy for eternity.

But of course, Bella marries Edward. In other news, Harry Potter defeats Voldemort and Anna Karenina throws herself under a train. Some endings are inevitable. For what it's worth, Breaking Dawn isn't a terrible film. If you think I'm damning it with faint praise, you clearly haven't seen the other Twilight movies. The first one is a truly awful film. The second one is pretty good because Jacob is the hero (and Edward almost kills himself! Alas, Bella saves him at the last second), and I can't remember what happened in the third one. So, by comparison, Breaking Dawn is...not as bad as it could have been. But I wouldn't buy the DVD or anything.

3 out of 5 stars

This doesn't happen in the movie. Sorry.