The COVID Diaries--Part 19

 Here is what I am watching (so far) during the quarantine for COVID-19 

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365 Days

I forced my best friend to watch this hilariously bad movie after one of my fave YouTubers reviewed it. The film, directed by Barbara Białowąs and Tomasz Mandes, is sort of marketed like a Fifty Shades of Grey rip-off, although it's really more reminiscent of Beauty and the Beast. Basically, a Sicilian mob boss, Massimo, kidnaps a woman, Laura, he saw once from afar and brings her to his enormous villa. He tells her he's going to give her 365 days to fall in love with him. He won't touch her unless she consents (he tells her this while holding her down and forcibly cupping her breast), but also warns her that she shouldn't tease him, as he can't control himself around her.

Annnnnnd it takes like seven days for Laura to go from outraged, to flirtatious, to in love with Massimo (to be fair, Massimo did take her shopping like, three times in the seven days). That's pretty much it. There's a twist at the end of the movie that obviously leaves room for a sequel, but yeah, overall nothing happens in the film except shopping and a lot of dick-sucking. I'm not joking. There's like 3 or 4 extended scenes of fellatio in this movie. 

Personally, I found 365 Days FUCKING HILARIOUS. I'm not sure if my friend thought it was a waste of time or not, but I was laughing for most of the movie (which is not a comedy, btw). I'm not gonna lie: the sex scenes were pretty hot. You even see a flash of D in there. But the characters are terrible, the music is worse, and the plot is non-existent, so treat this only as bad movie night fodder and go in with rock bottom expectations.

Grade: F+

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The Belko Experiment

I think there is a better movie somewhere inside The Belko Experiment that just didn't make its way out. This horror/thriller takes place in a business office in Bogota, Colombia that employs mostly Americans for some reason. What do they do there? No idea--it's not really relevant to the movie. On this particular day, a voice comes over the loud speaker telling everyone they have pick two of their coworkers to kill or something worse will happen. Everyone thinks it's a joke, until they realize that steel doors have covered all the windows and exits, locking them inside. After they fail to pick two people to kill, a bunch of folks' heads explode! Turns out that a condition of working at Belko Industries was that you had to have a chip implanted in your skull, which is supposed to protect employees from being kidnapped (which I guess is a common thing in Colombia??). Well, turns out those chips are explosives. LOL. 

The voice comes back and tells the remaining employees that now 30 of them must die, and if they fail to meet that metric, 60 will be killed. So basically, this movie is Battle Royale meets Office Space. The movie has a decent roster of lesser-known, but very talented actors, including John Gallagher Jr., Tony Goldwyn, and John C. McGinley. But despite the talent and interesting concept, The Belko Experiment is pretty forgettable. It's entertaining while you're watching it, but it's not going to haunt you the way a good horror or thriller should. It's also a bit nihilistic, which didn't bother me but did surprise me. You kind of assume that the "good guys" will find a way to band together and outsmart the "bad guys" and that the entertainment will be the creative ways people find to get out of their predicament without resorting to violence. But, no. Basically, it really is just a battle royale. Which is fine but not what I was hoping for. The Belko Experiment is just movie popcorn: tastes good while you're eating it, but it doesn't fill you up. 

Grade: B

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The Loved Ones

Now here is a horror movie that haunts me, but not because it's good. It's because it honestly kind of goes too far. The violence in this film, which is clearly inspired by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, is creative and relentless in a way that left me feeling gross and worse for having watched it, which--as readers of this blog should know--is a difficult bar for me to reach. I'm open to watching a lot, and I mean A LOT of violence. But something about this one just felt like too fucking much.

Here's the basic plot: high school senior Brent (Xavier Samuel) turns down weird girl Lola's (Robin McLeavy) request to go to prom with him. Lola and her dad then kidnap Brent and subject him to an insane amount of torture. Here's a partial list of some of the stuff they do to Brent:

• Inject bleach into his vocal chords so that he can't speak.
• Force him to pee in a cup while threatening to cut his dick off.
• Carve initials into his chest and throw salt on the wounds.
• STAB KNIVES INTO HIS FEET, PINNING THEM TO THE FLOOR.
• Drill a hole in his skull and prepare (but don't succeed) to pour boiling water into the hole. (Cool Jeffrey Dahmer reference, bro!)

Look. I get that this movie thinks that it is especially edgy because the torturers are a teen girl and her dopey dad, but this movie goes beyond shocking in an engaging way to just plain disgusting. It's hard to grade the movie because as horror, it fucking works. I was horrified! And honestly, there are movies I've seen (ahem, The Poughkeepsie Tapes) that are far more disturbing. But this one just didn't do it for me. It felt like too much violence and too little plot. Like, I'm cool with the insane amount of violence in Tarantino movies because there's a lot of interesting dialogue and action sequences in between the scenes of eyes getting gouged out. But like I said, the main feeling The Loved Ones inspired in this viewer was exhaustion. Recommended only for horror enthusiasts. 

Grade: B-

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Oxygen

A forgettable and unrealistic sci-fi film starring Melanie Laurent as a woman who wakes up in a coffin-like container with a computer voice telling her that her oxygen is running out. She also doesn't remember who she is and must use her smarts to figure out where the hell she is so that she has a chance at survival before the clock runs out and she asphyxiates. 

This movie has already been made and it was titled Buried and starred Ryan Reynolds. With Buried, I felt the insanely high stakes of the film and was sitting on the edge of my seat until literally the last second of the movie. It was also depressing as hell, but in terms of making me feel something, it did an excellent job. Oxygen, while entertaining (especially in its first half before you really know what's going on), is just not as good. The sci-fi element actually takes away from the movie because there are things the character can do in the movie that seem really unrealistic, yet she can't do other basic things (like find an alternate oxygen source). Essentially, the technology in the movie is super advanced so that it can help the main character remember who she is and contact people for help...but like, not advanced enough to have a secondary oxygen source? That really took me out of the movie. 

Like The Belko Experiment above, Oxygen is good for a night of entertainment, but it's not going to be a movie you're thinking about a week later.

Grade: B-

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A Glitch in the Matrix

This documentary by Rodney Ascher (who previously directed a really excellent doc about the movie The Shining called Room 237--check it out!) is about people who believe that reality is a simulation. I've heard this theory before and honestly thought it wasn't that crazy, but then I read a bunch of reviews criticizing the director for giving a platform to "crackpots" and "nutcases", so fuck me I guess. 

To be fair, it's one thing to idly think to oneself "whoa, what if we're just like, a video game for aliens mannnnn" and do another bong hit. It's quite another to allow this theory to rule your life. So maybe Ascher *is* doing society a disservice by inadvertently promoting a theory that could contribute to more and more people experiencing derealization. The film kind of tackles this problem by giving a lot of time to a man named Joshua Cooke who is currently serving a prison sentence for murdering his parents in the early 2000s after he became obsessed with The Matrix and convinced that reality wasn't real. Why he had to test his beliefs by murdering his fucking parents is anyone's guess, but I can see how becoming "infected" with the idea that we are not living in "true" reality but some kind of simulation could make a person go a little coo-coo.

A Glitch in the Matrix is far less interesting than I thought it would be. Interviewees (in addition to Cooke) include anonymous believers in the theory who are disguised as elaborate animated avatars and who claim that they know we are living in a simulation because they like, thought really hard about goldfish and then walked around town and saw...a goldfish on a sign oh my god you guys it's the matrix!!! Or how about the theory that if you go into a bookstore, most of the books have no words...until you open them because the computer knew you were going to open it and filled the book!! Of course, this theory is impossible to prove because...because it's bullshit you guys. We're probably not living in a simulation. And even if we are, so what? Does it actually change anything about our day-to-day lives? Am I going to kill someone because "nothing is real"? No, I am not, because 1) I don't want to kill people and 2) prison is going to feel pretty fucking real when I go there...which is what Joshua Cooke found out after he murdered his parents.

I think what's more interesting that the actual simulation theory is the fact that more and more people are sort of disassociating from their lives and relationships due to technology these days. And don't @ me if you're a tech nerd who thinks tech is neutral--I'm pretty convinced at this point that the echo chambers sites like Facebook, Reddit, and 4chan created have contributed to the rise in extremist violence all over the world. Tech may be neutral, but that doesn't mean it's all good for us. 

A Glitch in the Matrix is a fairly interesting film, though not as thought-provoking or mind-blowing as it could be. It sets out the be an exploration of how science fiction and technology have merged to change our view of the world but ends up be an inadvertent dive into the darker corners of the human psyche.

Grade: B

The COVID Diaries--Part 18

 Here is what I am watching (so far) during the quarantine for COVID-19 

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Saint Maud

This concise (85 minutes) first film by Rose Glass is a creepy psychological horror film about what can happen when religious fanaticism and extreme loneliness collide. Maud (Morfydd Clark) is private hospice nurse who takes a job caring for a once-renowned dancer, Amanda (Jennifer Ehle), who is now dying from stage four lymphoma. Maud is also a newly converted Catholic who talks regularly to God and begs Him to give her a purpose. After a brief conversation with Amanda about her fears of death, Maud is convinced that her purpose is to save Amanda's soul.

The horror comes in the form of body horror--some of which we know is all too horribly real, such as when Maud put tacks in her shoes and then steps into them with her full weight (the sound effects here really sell the scene). But some scenes of Maud twisting, contorting, and even being lifted into the air by some unknown force--well, we're not sure if this is all in her head or really happening. 

Saint Maud is well worth the watch for horror and suspense fans, but even non-horror fans might want to give this one a try. The horror is less about demons or ghosts, and more about the lengths fragile people will go to convince themselves their mission is right. 

Grade: A-

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Bamboozled

Bamboozled is a Spike Lee film released in 2000. Damon Wayans plays Pierre Delaroix, a Black man working for a television company. His racist boss (played perfectly by Michael Rapaport) wants Pierre to create a sensationalist show about Black people--not a "Cosby clone" that portrays Black people as smart and hardworking. Insulted, Pierre goes the "I'll give him a show so disgusting, he'll regret he ever asked" route--he formulates the idea for a show based on old minstrel shows, featuring Black actors in blackface with names like "Sleep n' Eat" who talk in an exaggerated southern accent. Basically: take all the worst stereotypes of people of color, throw a healthy amount of n-words in for flavor, and serve to his shitty boss.

Well, the show is a hit. I'm not sure whether Spike Lee was inspired by The Producers or not, but he takes a page from the Mel Brooks classic by having the scheme to create a terrible show blow up in the creator's face when said show becomes enormously popular. Now Pierre is in the awkward situation of deciding between accepting the accolades (and money) that are rolling in due to his blatantly racist "Mantan: The New Millennium Minstrel Show" and quitting, which his secretary, Sloan (Jada Pinkett Smith) encourages him to do.

There's a lot more plot, and the film, unlike The Producers, is actually quite tragic. Not only is it meant to educate the viewer on the history of minstrel shows/blackface, I read it as an indictment against Black individuals who take advantage of systemic and cultural racism for personal gain. I've talked in this blog before about how I took a pop culture in American history class in college and we were shown this film. A white women--blond "I want to talk to the manager" bob and Vera Bradley bag and all--said "I am so sick of apologizing for being white" after it was over. What that (I'm sorry, but I have to say it) stupid bitch didn't grasp is that Spike Lee did not make this film for racist assholes like her. Like many excellent examples of Black art and culture, this just isn't about us (white people). But it's still absolutely worth the watch no matter your color.

Grade: B

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The Thing

I was kind of surprised not to like this movie more. It's a stone-cold horror classic (specifically, body horror, one of my favorite sub-genres) directed by John Carpenter. But I found it a little too slow for my liking.

A group of researchers are working at a base in Antarctica when they discover what appears to be an alien spaceship, as well as a dead...thing...that doesn't look quite human. They bring the...thing...back to base to autopsy it, but soon starts causing havoc because it is essentially about to latch onto people (and animals) and transform them into horrible creatures. 

I think The Thing is a classic for two reasons: one, we don't really know what "the thing" is. It could probably be explained as a cross between an alien and a virus. We know it's not from this earth, but instead of being a traditional alien, it doesn't really have a single form. And it can jump from person to person via attacks, so it acts like a virus in that it infects you. So, already, the ghoul is twice as scary as a regular horror movie bad guy because it's so unpredictable and strange. 

The second reason is that the real meat of the movie is not The Thing itself, but how it quickly causes the men to turn on each other and become paranoid and suspicious of the very people they previously trusted with their lives. As always, horror movies are all about the subtext, not the text. And in this case, the subtext is...what if a person you previously thought of as a friend or colleague might secretly not be who they say they are? In fact, what if that person had the power to turn on you in a horrible way at any moment. 

So, overall I recognize The Thing as a classic, even though I didn't love it. 

Grade: B-

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The Sixth Sense

I rewatched M. Night Shyamalan's The Sixth Sense for the first time in like a decade and a half and I have to say that it holds up! The experience was so different than when I first saw it at age 14. When I first saw it, the film legitimately scared the absolute shit out of me. So most of the movie was spent curled into a ball waiting for the next shocking image to appear.

Now that I am a hardened horror fanatic, I can watch this film and appreciate just how good of a movie it is because I'm seeing beyond the jump scares. Do you guys remember that Toni Collette, who plays Cole Sear's mom, was nominated for Best Supporting Actress for this movie? And guess what: that nomination was much deserved! Collette does a wonderful job of adding an emotional heart to the film. 

As a grown-ass adult in my mid-thirties, I now see the more tender aspects of the movie about a little boy (Haley Joel Osment...still stunning in the role) who sees dead people. The Sixth Sense is about love, loss, and family as much as it is about ghosts. While Shyamalan has to keep his cards close to his chest about what's going on with Bruce Willis's character and his wife, he can show the full range of emotion between Cole and his mom, who is desperately concerned for her son's wellbeing. There are so many scenes where she is crying and begging him to tell her what's wrong, but Cole can't because he wouldn't be believed.

If you haven't seen The Sixth Sense since it was in theatres, I highly encourage you to check it out again. Although Shyamalan has a reputation for being a cheesy/terrible director, his first film holds up and you might be surprised at what you discover.

Grade: A-

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The Mortuary Collection

This is a fun little horror movie that has a frame story (a girl applies for a job at a mortuary) and four mini horror movies contained within it. Sam (Caitlin Custer) shows up at Raven's End Mortuary to inquire about a "Help Wanted" sign outside. The mortician, an imposing older man named Montgomery Dark (Clancy Brown) shares stories with Sam about how various people died throughout the history of the mortuary. Each story is essentially a morality tale about someone who commits a misdeed and is severely and grotesquely punished. Sam counters with a story of her own about how "in real life, the bad guy wins". 

I can't say more than that, since I would give away too much, but suffice it to say that this is an entertaining movie that fits a lot of different kinds of horror into a succinct 2 hour film, including horror-comedy. 

Grade: B

The COVID Diaries--Part 17

Here is what I am watching (so far) during the quarantine for COVID-19 

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Goodfellas

I'm not sure how I went this long without seeing this mafia classic. Martin Scorsese's film adaptation of Henry Hill's memoir, Wiseguy, about how Hill became part of the mob while growing up in Brooklyn, is just so good and so outrageous in the way that all mafia films are. There's a lot of screaming, crying, shooting, drug use, etc. Ray Liotta turns in his career-defining performance as Henry Hill, who starts out as a kid just running errands for the local mob boss and works his way up the ladder, only for it to all come crashing down--forcing him to go into witness protection after becoming an FBI informant.

This is such a well-known, well-respected film that I don't think I have to relay the plot. To be honest, it's not my *favorite* mafia movie (that would be Scorsese's The Departed), but it's really worth a watch for any film buff. Plus it's where that Liotta laughing gif came from.

Grade: A

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Scare Me

I have to say, this movie was a true disappointment. This "Shudder Original", starring Aya Cash, Josh Ruben, and Chris Redd, got pretty good reviews when it came out. Cash and Ruben play Fanny and Fred--two writers who are staying in neighboring cabins for a weekend away so that they can focus on writing. During a power outage, they hang out together and decide to pass the time by telling scary stories.

This is really a movie about male fragility, as it becomes clear that Fanny--already a published author--is simply better at storytelling than Fred. His resentment grows and grows until it reaches a crescendo at the end of the film.

But in general, the film is not only not scary, it's actually pretty boring. The acting is certainly great and the story had promise, but I feel that it did not deliver. 

Grade: C+

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The Beach House

Another mediocre Shudder original, The Beach House is about the horrors of infection. A young couple, Emily (Liana Liberato) and Randall (Noah Le Gros), are looking forward to a weekend alone at Randall's parents' beach house. Unfortunately, they find that an older couple, Mitch (Jake Webber) and Jane (Maryann Nagel)--friends of Randall's parents--are already staying there. Not wanting to be rude, the couples decide to share the beach house...and, uh, share some mind-altering substances as well. 

But lack of privacy isn't the biggest problem these couples will face. While the foursome are high from edible marijuana, they note the strange texture of the ocean water, as well as the thick fog all along the beach. The next morning, Jane appears to be very ill, and covered in skin sores. It's not long before it becomes obvious that the beach is infected with something--something that can make humans very sick. 

The Beach House has some really gnarly body horror and it is indeed scary in the unique way that "end of the world" type films are. But in general it's not particularly memorable, in my opinion. 

Grade: C+

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Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

To be clear, this was not my first time watching Walk Hard, though it is my first time reviewing it. Walk Hard is an above-average comedy that parodies "rise and fall of a musician" movies, and specifically Walk the Line. John C. Reilly (one of the most underrated and gifted actors alive, in my opinion) plays Dewey Cox--a talented musician from a poor, Southern family. Dewey is estranged from his parents after he accidentally cut his younger brother in half while playing with a machete as a kid. As Dewey's dad reminds him about 50 times throughout the movie, "the wrong kid died". 

Dewey shoots to fame as a rock n' roll star, only to get caught up in drug addiction, as well as an addiction to ripping bathroom sinks out from the wall when he's in a fit of despair/rage. Still, with the love of a good woman, Darlene Madison (Jenna Fischer), Dewey is able to get clean and sing his way to the top. Fun note: that's really John C. Reilly singing! 

Walk Hard is chock-full of celeb cameos, ranging from Jack White as Elvis to Jason Schwartzman as Ringo Starr. The film came out in 2007, riding the coattails of the Anchorman/40 Year Old Virgin train, but I believe it stands on its own as a great comedy. It's one of those movies where so many jokes are crammed in, you can actually miss a few because you're laughing so hard the whole time. 

Grade: B+

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