Murder in the Dark

Movies: Don't Breathe

Don't Breathe, directed by Fede Alvarez (who also directed the Evil Dead remake in 2013), is an inventive twist on the sub-genre of home invasion films. In Don't Breathe, the predators become the prey when three young adults who break into homes and steal valuables decide to break into the home of a blind army veteran (Stephan Lang) who happens to be sitting on a load of cold, hard cash.

The trio of burglars each have a particular reason why they want to commit this act of robbery--Rocky (Jane Levy) dreams of escaping her rundown home in Detroit with her little sister and heading for California; Money (yes, that's the character's name...Money. Played by Daniel Zovatto) is in it purely for the...well, money; and timid Alex (Dylan Minnette) is in love with--and firmly friend-zoned by--Rocky, so he'll follow her like a puppy wherever.

They believe it will be easy to rob this man blind (heh), thinking he's a defenseless recluse. But when they finally bust into his veritable fortress of a house, they realize that he is the very opposite of a weak, scared old man. And despite being blind, this old SOB is going to fight back.

I'm going to go into details, including spoilers, below. But I'll say that even though Don't Breathe is very effective as a thriller--the setting is incredibly claustrophobic, making the audience feel like they are trapped in the house with the burglars--I had to knock it down a couple grade levels for two reasons. First, I felt like you had to suspend your disbelief A LOT in this movie. When it comes to the horror genre, I'm cool with a fair amount of suspension of disbelief. Teens haunted by a ghost? Sure, sounds good to me. A monster stalks a single mother? Bring it on. But when a movie is set in "the real world", I get pickier. Stephan Lang's nameless character (called "The Blind Man" in the credits) is a little TOO fierce to be believed. Sure, he's an army vet, so it makes sense that he can protect himself and fight, but this motherfucker is portrayed with Katniss Everdeen-levels of speed and agility.

Secondly, the film has some twists and turns (described below) that start out as genuinely intriguing and then just take a nosedive into needlessly creepy and WTF.

But I don't regret spending matinee prices on Don't Breathe --it's a fun popcorn flick that will thrill you.

Grade B-

***

Detailed spoilers below!

So the first half of Don't Breathe is pretty much exactly how'd you expect it to be if you saw the movie trailer--the burglars decide to rob this guy (by the way, who actually keeps a shitload of cash in their home? If this blind guy is so smart, why doesn't he get a bank account?) and then they have to spend a ton of time breaking in since this dude's house is a fortress. There are bars on all the windows, a ton of locks of every door, and a vicious dog to contend with. Once they get in, it's a miracle they don't wake this guy up immediately with all the noise they make. But they're in for a surprise when he wakes up and starts kicking ass.

The blind guy catches Money trying to pry open a bolted door in the house, disarms him, and blows him away nice as you please (good--Money is an incredibly annoying character). But because Rocky and Alex haven't made any noise, the blind guy doesn't know they're there...yet. He ends up locking all of them inside the house, with no easy escape--and when he senses that there are two more burglars inside the house, well, as I said above, the predators become the prey and the blind man hunts them throughout his own house.

 But the movie shifts dramatically when Alex and Rocky head into the blind guy's basement after remembering that there is a door in the basement they can escape out of. In an incredibly effective twist, they find a woman in the basement--all chained up and kept on a bed of cushions. It turns out that this woman killed the blind man's daughter in a vehicle accident (which is how he got all that cash--through a settlement with the woman's family). The woman was found innocent of vehicular manslaughter by the courts. So the blind guy kidnapped her (how exactly he pulled off this stunt is never explained).

I thought this twist was really good...but it quickly turned...umm, weird...when you find out later that the reason the guy kidnapped her was because, as he says, "She took my child away from me...I thought it was only fair she give me another one." o_0

Yes, it turns out that this old bastard kidnapped the woman who killed his daughter (accidentally killed!) and impregnated her with his own sperm. After Rocky and Alex attempt to rescue her, which leads to her getting shot and killed by the blind guy, the blind guy manages to capture Rocky and ends up trussing her up in a sling. This is when he explains the whole impregnation thing to Rocky, while--I shit you not--pulling a jar of his own semen out of a little refrigerator, warming it up, and using a turkey baster to attempt to impregnate her (don't worry--Alex, the friendzoned dude, bludgeons the blind guy before he can slip that ol' baster into Rocky's youthful, fertile womb).

This was where the movie lost me. I liked the twist where it turns out the blind guy is nutty kidnapper, but a nutty kidnapper who forcibly impregnates women? Is that really necessary? And seeing Rocky all tied up in a sling while blind guy cuts open her pants to shove a turkey baster into her VAGINA--is that REALLY necessary? Or is is using rape and reproductive coercion as entertainment?

Oh, and here's the kicker--as the blind guy prepares his own nut to impregnate Rocky he explains "I'm not a rapist. I never forced myself on her." HAHAHAHAHA. That's gold. Yeah, I guess because you didn't use your dick, it doesn't count as rape/sexual assault. Motherfucker, you shoved a baster filled with sperm up a girl's cooch in an attempt to force her to become pregnant against her will while she was tied up in a homemade sex swing. That's about as rapey as it gets.

Well, the movie doesn't end after Friendzone Alex saves Rocky from becoming a mother against her will. There's like, 20 minutes left of the film...the dog I mentioned earlier plays a big role (he serves as the Chekhov's gun of the movie). Blah blah blah. But I don't really care about going into all that. Really, I just wanted to write about the wack-a-doodle impregnation twist and how gross and stupid it is. Without it, Don't Breathe gets a solid B. With it, I demote the film to

Grade: B-

Yes, And

Movies: Don't Think Twice, Sleepwalk With Me

Two movies written and directed by Mike Birbiglia show how much more nuanced his work has become.

Don't Think Twice 

Don't Think Twice is an excellent little comedy, equal parts heartfelt and cringe-y. The film follows tight-knit improv group The Commune, made up of Miles (Birbiglia), Jack (Keegan-Michael Key), Sam (Gillian Jacobs), Bill (Chris Gethard), Allison (Kate Micucci), and Lindsay (Tami Sagher).

As a couple members of The Commune end up with a shot to audition for Weekend Live (a fictionalized version of Saturday Night Live, complete with an aloof Lorne Michaels type showrunner at the helm), the other members react with equal parts support and secret bitterness.

In Birbiglia's capable hands, Don't Think Twice doesn't shy away from the more unsavory aspects of the group dynamic of this particular improv group (or improv in general) as well as the consequences ambition has on a group of friends all competing for essentially the same goal. Three of the members in particular--Miles, Sam, and Jack--come off as both incredibly sympathetic and impossibly annoying. Jack and Sam are in a relationship and they take their joking ways off the improv stage and into every aspect of their lives (including the bedroom), which is both sweet and exhausting. I mean, everyone wants a romantic partner with "a sense of humor", but can two funny people who seem unable to turn it off really be together? Their love story is at the heart of Don't Think Twice, and it's fascinating to watch as their intimacy is put through the ringer when they realize they have vastly different goals.

Birbiglia gives himself a juicy role as Miles, the 36 year old improv instructor who can't contain his jealousy as he watches his own students achieve the kind of success he dreamed of but could never quite reach. He lives in a shitty apartment that he brings his much younger female students back to for the occasional sad boning. Emotionally, he's closer to their age than to women his own age--but he finds the desire to step up his game when he reacquaints with Liz, an old high school classmate who ends up back in his life.

Miles occasionally lets his raw and ugly resentment show, which makes for some really cringe-y moments, but he never completely loses hold of the audience's sympathy. I was incredibly impressed with Birbiglia's authentic, lived in performance (probably due to the fact that he DID live it, or at least a version of it). Miles is a character you want to both slap and cuddle, often during the same scene.

Likewise, Keegan-Michael Key (of Key & Peele) is excellent at playing the showboating, gotta-be-the-funniest-guy-in-the-room Jack, who actually has a shot at true fame. Not only does he give the funniest performance in the movie, he manages, like Birbiglia's Miles, to be both sympathetic and distasteful. When he interrupts Bill as he relays sad news about an injured relative to tell the group about a big break he got, the audience I was sitting in erupted with groans. What a clueless jerk! At the same time, you can't help but admire Jack's determination and pluck, even if it makes him a bit of a narcissist.

And then there's Sam (Gillian Jacobs), who realizes that maybe the only reason she shares the same goals as Jack is because that's what's expected of her, not because she actually wants to achieve those goals. As Jack's career blasts off, Sam appears to be stuck...but is she really? Or has she already achieved happiness and contentment right where she is?

Don't Think Twice poses a lot of thoughtful questions about friendship, relationships, ambitions, and talent. It really boils down to two thesis statements: 1) people want different things in life, and that's OK and 2) sometimes you DON'T achieve your dreams and goals, and it's up to you to find contentment in what you do have. Both of these truths can be hard pills to swallow, especially if you're part of a rather codependent group like The Commune (Birbiglia portrays the improv community, like most communities, as 50% loving and supportive and 50% insular and echo chamber-y). If you work, live, and hang out with the same people all the time, it can be difficult to form your own identity and goals independent of the group. It's only when one member of the group moves forward--whether "moving forward" means getting married, switching jobs, starting a business, quitting drinking, having a baby, or moving to France--that others in the group get a clearer picture of what it is THEY want.

Don't Think Twice is ultimately a hopeful, sweet film that avoids pat answers to life's problems. While we may occasionally resent and compete with our friends, at the end of the day, they have our back.

Grade: A-

***

Sleepwalk With Me

Mike Birbiglia's first foray into directing is more directly autobiographical and less refined than Don't Think Twice. It's still really good though. Birbiglia casts himself as Matt Pandamiglio, a struggling wannabe comedian with a great girlfriend, Abby (Lauren Ambrose), and a sleep disorder that causes him not only to sleepwalk, but to sleep-drive and, in a memorable scene, sleep-jump-out-of-a-window.

According to IMDB, which I totally trust, Sleepwalk With Me is about "70% true". Birbiglia does have a sleep disorder and actually did jump out a second story window once. The parts of the film that focus on his sleep issues and his sudden success on the stand-up circuit are interesting and fun. The parts about his once good, but now not that great relationship with Abby--not so much. Matt and Abby's relationship takes the cliched (though, admittedly, realistic and common) path of "We've been together a long time, thus we should get married". Just as Sam in Don't Think Twice expresses a desire to end up on Weekend Live merely because all of her friends want that, not because SHE wants it, Matt and Abby's decision to get married reflects other people's expectations and desires more than their own. If Birbiglia has a grasp on one life lesson, it's "don't do something just because other people say you should".

Sleepwalk With Me is a pleasant, if forgettable, comedy. I wish there was a little more bite to it. It's almost *too* nice. When compared to Don't Think Twice, you can see Birbiglia's increasing ability to capture the complexities and the unpleasant and upsetting aspects of life. I don't think Birbiglia will ever be my favorite stand-up comedian, but he is undoubtedly a talented director, writer, and actor--I'm looking forward to seeing whatever he comes up with next.

Grade: B

Gimme Some Strange

TV and Movies: Stranger Things, Baskin, Leap Year

People are going bonkers for Stranger Things on Netflix. Here's my review, plus reviews of two very strange films (also on Netflix).

Stranger Things

Created by Matt and Ross Duffer, the eight-episode first (hopefully not last!) season of Stranger Things is almost as perfect as a made-for-Netflix show can be. It's incredibly binge-able, taps into our collective nostalgia for the early 1980s, is creepy enough to make us sink deeper under the covers but not creepy enough to turn off the TV, and lends itself well to theories and speculation. No wonder it's been a smashing success.

Borrowing heavily (while somehow avoiding being derivative) from films and culture of the 1980s like E.T, The Goonies, and the works of Stephen King, Stranger Things is appealing not just to those who grew up in the 80s. Being a 90s kid myself (I was only 5 years old when the 1980s ended), I still saw a lot of my childhood in Stranger Things, which is set in 1983. Nostalgia and throwbacks are a la mode right now and they also help us connect emotionally to movies and shows. But unlike, say, Fuller House, the nostalgia of Stranger Things feels truly authentic and not like a cheap gimmick.

And then the characters. Oh, the characters! My personal favorite is Jim Hopper, the small town cop with a haunted past who gets sucked into the mystery surrounding the disappearance of Will Byers. While Winona Ryder's performance as Will's grief-stricken mother, Joyce Byers, gets all the glory, I personally found Hop's emotional performance, oscillating between masculine stoicism and tearful breakdowns, to be the standout of the show.

But even the smaller characters feel real. There's Mike Wheeler's oblivious dad, Ted, who says things like "Jiminy Christmas" and "hold your horses". There's Barb. Poor Barb! She didn't deserve what happened to her. Fuck Nancy--Barb should have been solving the mystery of the Upside Down alongside weirdo Jonathan Byers. There's dear Mr. Clark, the dorky teacher who encourages Mike, Will, Dustin, and Lucas in their love of all things science and nerd-related. While solid primary characters are essential to the success of a TV show, it's the secondary characters that make a show feel "lived in".

Well, I'm not even going to get into the plot. Either you've seen it already or you should watch it without knowing anything about it. If you *haven't* watched it yet, get on dat! It's less than 8 hours to get through, and trust me, you'll want to do it in one sitting.

Grade: A

***

Baskin

Speaking of strange, this bizarre Turkish horror film is certainly a head-scratcher. Following five cops who, during a night shift, receive a call for back up in a bad part of town, Baskin ("police raid" in Turkish) is part supernatural horror, part torture-porn. The cops (including a rookie and an old timer) answer the call, which leads them to an old, abandoned police station which turns out might actually be the gateway to hell. Like, literally.

 Baskin has an ominous, slow burn feeling to it. Images of bloody meat being prepared at a restaurant or dozens of frogs piling onto one another in a rainy forest portend Bad Things. But once the cops get the call and reach the abandoned station is when things get real freaky. As they explore the station using their flashlights, they see some things they (and the audience) can't unsee.

I'll avoid revealing more, but I'll say that for horror fans, Baskin offers genuine chills (I was watching a good portion of the film through my fingers), but not a lot of substance. For people with an aversion to gore, or a sensitivity to scary movies, this ain't the one for you.

Grade: C+

*** 
 
Leap Year

Not to be confused with the PG-rated romantic comedy starring Amy Adams, Leap Year is a 2011 Mexican film and the winner of several awards, including a Cannes award. And boy, is it a bleak movie.

Shot almost entirely in a dingy apartment, Leap Year follows Laura, a 25 year old freelance journalist living a life of crushing loneliness. She spends her days diligently typing up articles for business magazines and talking on the phone with her mother and brother and her nights bringing home strange men and having uninspiring sex with them.

One night she brings home Arturo, an older man and aspiring actor, and has wildly passionate sex with him. The keep seeing each other. The sex starts out with relatively mild S&M play (spanking, choking) and gets more and more intense and violent each time they see each other (while their pillow talk becomes more and more tender). But Laura is actually excited about something for once, breathlessly stripping off her dowdy pajamas when Arturo rings her doorbell in the middle of the night.

However, things get VERY dark VERY quickly, revealing the depths of Laura's loneliness and desperation.

Leap Year appears at first blush to be an erotic drama, but is ultimately a meditation on how the daily grind of life can be soul crushing. At the end of each day, Laura X-es out the date on her wall calendar, counting down the days until February 29th (we learn the significance of the date in the latter part of the movie) To Laura , the slow roll of time is itself a prison sentence. We can't blame her for searching for release in the most violent ways.

Grade: A-