Sex Smarts

Movies: The To Do List

The To Do List is absolutely delightful without being an "excellent" film. I can tell you right now, I'm gonna give it my elusive 3.75 star rating: a rating I give to movies that I enjoyed, but had enough flaws to keep them out of the 4 star range.

That said, if you're in the mood for a raunchy summer comedy, nothing should keep you away from The To Do List.

Like a feminist-minded Porky's, The To Do List is all about sex, baby. Smarty-pants valedictorian Brandy Klark (Aubrey Plaza, swapping her trademark sarcasm for milder deadpan here) is about to go to college. But before she goes, she's on a mission to learn a few lessons she missed out on while being such a good student in school.

With the help of her buddies (Alia Shawkat and Sarah Steele), Brandy creates a list of sexual activities to accomplish over the summer. Most are typical: hickies, giving and receiving oral, handjobs; others are goofy: motorboating, pearl necklace (side note: the film takes place in 1993. Was the term "motorboating" even a thing back then?).

Brandy spends her summer working at a public swimming pool with a cast of colorful characters, including the perfectly named Rusty Waters--a dreamy sufer dude who is on Brandy's list as the one to take her virginity. But before she can graduate to Rusty, Brandy selfishly screws around with other dudes to beef up her sexual bona fides.

What's interesting (and refreshing) about The To Do List is that the movie presents Brandy's sexual exploration as very emotionally removed. Many of the things on her list she does with her best guy friend, Cameron, who is not-so-secretly in love with her. But rather than using Cameron--the "right" guy--to put Brandy on an emotional journey, she basically uses him to get prepared to fuck the guy she *really* wants. Before you think "what a bitch!" (Brandy isn't a bitch so much as a driven, bossy gal...which is just fucking wonderful to see in a movie like this), be aware that Brandy learns that it's not right to use other people or abandon her friends in pursuit of the D*.

The movie definitely succeeds as a feminist comedy for a number of reasons: 1) Brandy is not shamed or punished for pursuing sex. Yes, she learns some lessons, but there is no pregnancy, STD, or heartbreak to "punish" her. 2) Brandy comes from a loving family with a mom (the wonderful Connie Britton) who is happy to talk to her about sex and even give her lube to use. This is no after-school special where a girl from a broken home ends up pregnant at 16. 3) Brandy pursues sex intellectually. Now, reading Cosmopolitan and Penthouse for sex tips isn't exactly a sex ed course, but the fact that Brandy uses the tools at her disposal to learn about sex (including the best ways to effectively achieve orgasm--yay!) shows that Brandy is a smart cookie and is exploring sex on her terms as an active participant. Brandy has safe sex, is never raped or mistreated. It's a breath of fresh air.

However, the film has its limits. Other than Brandy, I found the characters a bit one-note. The jokes are funny, but not clever. It's a sex comedy, so most of the jokes are pretty predicable. But the aspect that annoyed me the most is that the film is very "tell-y" not "show-y". It's the mark of a good filmmaker when they can get their point across without literally having the character explain verbally the lessons she's learned, as Brandy does in The To Do List. Granted, maybe director Maggie Carey wanted to make damn sure everyone in the audience "got" what this movie is about: women can and should pursue sex without shame and demand respect. That's awesome. And maybe she assumed a lot of people in the audience wouldn't be familiar of the concept of a woman having sex without being called a slut. That's quite possible. I just wish it was a leeeeetle less on the nose. Just a tad. The movie is so on the nose, it felt like my nose was being punched.

BUT, I'd recommend this movie anyway because it's funny, refreshing, profane, and Aubrey Plaza is wonderful. It's not going to be the movie that saves the world and awakens a sexual paradise in our dumb society, but it's a step in the right direction.

3.75 out of 5 stars

*"the D" means "the dick". FYI. 

The Devil Inside

Movies: The Conjuring

Who would have predicted that I, a complete wimp who had to be forced to learn to ride a bike while growing up, would someday become a horror movie fan? I wouldn't have guessed it, but the more spooky movies I watch, the more I like them.

I went into The Conjuring fully prepared to be scared shitless. Jonathan Barkan, over at Bloody Disgusting--a horror film website--writes in his review of the film, "I think I’ve made it pretty clear by now but I need to just plainly state it: This movie scared me" and pointed out that the film is rated R not for sex, gore, or language--but simply for being too scary for a PG-13 rating. If a hardened  horror film enthusiast like Barkan was scared, what would I be? Dead from a heart attack?

But, to my delight, The Conjuring managed to thrill me more than scare the crap out of me. Director James Wan, who began his career with the fetishistic original Saw film, proves to be a master of atmosphere. He directs The Conjuring with a steady, controlled hand--consistently doling out scares while ramping up the terror bit by bit. And he doesn't cheat us on acting, plot, or cinematography. Everything is top-notch.

The Conjuring, set in 1971, is based on a true story. Married demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren have built a career out of fighting ghosts and malevolent spirits. Lorraine has psychic powers that tell her if a house or object is haunted or possessed, and Ed is the only non-priest recognized by the Catholic Church as an "official" (or whatever) demonologist. With their powers combined, the couple help poor souls with supernatural problems.

The Warrens are contacted by Carolyn Perron (Lili Taylor, who fucking kills it in this role), a wife and mother of 5 daughters whose family has recently moved into a creepy old house they got at auction. Increasingly disturbing things have been happening in the house: the clocks all stop at 3:07am every day, doors bang throughout the night, and the girls see ghosts hiding in the shadows. Carolyn begs the Warrens to help, and they agree to check out the place.

*Spoiler alert!*

Once the Warrens begin inspecting the Perron homestead, it becomes clear that this isn't a movie about a haunted house--it's a demonic possession movie. Lorraine senses many spirits in the home, but one--the spirit of a witch who sacrificed her baby to Satan and then hanged herself--stands out as the cause of all the trouble.

The Warrens explain that this spirit doesn't just want the Perrons to leave--it wants to kill the family. It's hateful, and it's been the cause of numerous deaths and suicides on the land ever since the witch killed herself centuries before.

The film escalates from cerebral ghost-hunting story to visceral exorcism movie, complete the Carolyn Perron taken over by the witch's spirit and vomiting blood.

*End spoilers*

In addition to the effective, nerve-jangling scares, The Conjuring is pretty to look at, with its muted colors and retro clothing and cars. It also has AMAZING acting all around. The four adult leads: Lili Taylor and Ron Livingston as Carolyn and Roger Perron, and Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga as Ed and Lorraine Warren, are excellent. Taylor and Linvingston's portrayal of loving, frightened parents is spot-on and Wilson and Farmiga refuse to ham it up as professional ghostbusters.

The young actresses who play the Perron daughters are all great too and, refreshingly, not creepy like kids in horror movies tend to be.

A lot of horror movies are done on the cheap, with bad acting and poor special effects, giving the genre a seedy reputation. What James Wan has done with The Conjuring is create a quality film that also happens to have wall-to-wall scares.

4.5 out of 5 stars

Way, Way Too Sentimental

Movies: The Way, Way Back

Man, you guys. I feel totally heartless, but Nat Faxon and Jim Rash's coming of age story The Way, Way Back, really left me cold. Not cold. Lukewarm. Faxon and Rash teamed up a couple years ago to write the screenplay for The Descendants--another film I thought I would like more than I actually did. But where The Descendants had the benefit of being co-written and directed by Alexander Payne, who excels at bringing out the edge and bite in films, The Way, Way Back is toothless.

The story revolves around 14 year old Duncan (Liam James), who is stuck in a beach house all summer with his mom (Toni Collette), his mom's jerk of a boyfriend (Steve Carell, going delightfully against type), and the boyfriend's bitchy daughter. With his mom too caught up in post-divorce love to pay much attention to him, Duncan is clearly in need of some adult mentoring and kindness. He is offered a job at a local water park--Water Wizz--by Owen (Sam Rockwell), a slightly immature, yet caring father figure. Owen and the other workers at Water Wizz manage to bring Duncan out of his shell and end up giving him the confidence he can't find in his own family unit.


Although the film was ripe with potential--especially with Steve Carell and Sam Rockwell playing such interesting characters--The Way, Way Back was, for me, a gooey, sticky bore. There was a distinct lack of true emotion, even in the most emotional scenes (such as when Duncan confronts his mom about what a bully Trent (the BF) is). And some of the supporting characters--Allison Janey as the alcoholic sister of Trent and Jim Rash as a bespectacled dork who works at the water park--seem to have escaped from bad sitcoms or the set of Napoleon Dynamite. There's a lot of quirky for the sake of quirky in this movie--a trait I strongly dislike in movies--and it's not even interesting quirky. It's boring quirky. Is that even a thing?!

I generally love coming of age stories. And they most certainly can be sweet and earnest and still work (see my review of The Perks of Being a Wallflower). But The Way, Way Back wasn't sweet in a natural, honest way. It was like a packet of Splenda.

2.5 out of 5 stars

Summer Flick Round-Up

Movies: The Heat, White House Down, The Bling Ring


When it starts getting hot in the summer, you won't find me near a pool or on the beach. You'll find me in a dark theatre checking out whichever summer popcorn flicks look the most interesting or fun. Granted, I'm not a huge fan of superhero franchises, which cuts out a good portion of the Hollywood blockbuster fare, but I'm down for a few silly action comedies when the heat wave hits.


The Heat

Speaking of the heat, this lady buddy-cop comedy directed by Paul Feig and starring Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy was funny if not completely satisfying. The big gimmick in The Heat is that it's about two women cops--one an uptight FBI special agent (Bullock) and the other a slovenly, brassy Boston beat cop (McCarthy)--who are basically forced to work together despite their differences in order to take down a drug lord. These gals are about as far away from being sexual objects as Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan are in the Rush Hour films, and let me tell you, it's goddamn refreshing. Paul Feig, who directed Bridesmaids in 2011, seems to be happy to put his money where his mouth is on being an ally of women in Hollywood. I love this man!

But despite its feminist credentials, The Heat is somewhat forgettable and by the book. There are some pretty hilarious scenes (McCarthy playing a game of Russian roulette with a bad guy's testicles, anyone?), but overall, the film is very formulaic. I'm glad I went to see it though, since I like to spend money on female-fronted movies, and I would definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a raunchy cop comedy to while away a few hours in the summer heat.

3.5 out of 5 stars


***

White House Down

White House Down is THE quintessential silly summer action movie, complete with jokes you can see coming a mile away and bad guys blowing up the White House. But if you can get past the eye-rolling lack of realism, it's a pretty freakin' fun movie!

Directed by Roland Emmerich, the same guy who brought you Independence Day and 2012, White House Down follows Secret Service hopeful John Cale (Channing Tatum) as he tours the White House with his daughter, Emily. When a mysterious explosion occurs, separating father from daughter, Cale has two missions: protect president James Sawyer (Jamie Foxx) in order to prove his worth as a potential Secret Service agent, and save his daughter.

Believe it or not, this movie is over two hours long! You'd think they could wrap it up in a tight 90 minutes, but Emmerich wants to take his slow, fetishistic time destroying the White House, room by room.

White House Down is so over the top, it's downright entertaining. It's got everything: bad guys who can shoot everyone EXCEPT the hero, children in peril, an awesome president who's all like "Fuck you" you to the bad guys, Channing Tatum wearing less than a shirt the whole time, rocket launchers...I could go on.

I won't get into who the bad guys are and what they want, because I'd give too much away, but even that whole plot line is silly and outrageous. All I'll say is--if you see one RIDICULOUS action movie starring Channing Tatum in a wife beater this summer, make it White House Down.

3.5 out of 5 stars

 Check out Tatum's massive guns.










***

The Bling Ring

You could say that Sophia Coppola's latest film captures the depths of shallowness. In a fame and material goods-obsessed culture, it's easy to understand how certain people, particularly young people, could believe that money, clothes, and celeb gossip are the most important things in life. Luckily, The Bling Ring doesn't devolve into a pat moral lesson about vanity and wealth. It removes all sympathy we have for the teens who made a hobby of robbing celebrities like Paris Hilton and Rachel Bilson, but it also removes all sympathy we have for the very celebrities being robbed. Instead of take from the rich and give to the poor, it's take from the rich and give to the rich--and no one will know, because the rich have so much tacky shit they'll never realize anything's missing!

Perhaps this is the reason I couldn't get into The Bling Ring. I know objectively that it's a good film, but it didn't really have a heart. The stakes seemed so low. Like the film's characters, The Bling Ring is beautiful and empty. I like Coppola's films, but I miss her earlier works--specifically The Virgin Suicides and Lost in Translation. Those films had an emotional core that you could grasp on to. The Bling Ring was too slick and empty. Which may have been exactly the point.

3 out of 5 stars

Jesus is Coming (Put Down the Bong)!

Movies: This Is the End

I'm annoyed with myself for not reviewing This Is the End sooner, because it's the funniest effing movie I've seen in the past couple years and I want everyone who reads this to see it immediately!

This Is the End is the perfect combination of raunchy and self-aware humor that we've come to expect from movies like Hot Tub Time Machine and Pineapple Express. Such films have something for everyone: the philistines among us can appreciate the endless dick jokes while the Hollywood buffs appreciate the clever riffs and throwbacks to the film genres that paved the way for these movies. And anyone with a sentimental side can feel satisfied that many of these movies have an essentially good heart: they're about friends, family, following your dreams, getting a second chance, etc.

This Is the End takes this kind of humor to it's next logical self-aware step. The actors play versions of themselves and are very willing to mock or twist their own public persona. For example, many references are made to James Franco's supposed bi- (or homo-) sexuality. There are jokes about Seth Rogen's "annoying laugh" and Jay Baruchel's relative lack of fame compared to his Hollywood buddies. So, half the jokes will only make sense if you not only know who these people are, but are pretty familiar with their work. Hell, the characters even make a homemade Pineapple Express 2 at one point--a joke that only works if you've actually seen Pineapple Express.

The film takes place at James Franco's (sadly, fictional) home. Jay Baruchel is visiting Seth Rogen for the weekend and gets dragged to a party at Franco's. The party is packed: Rihanna is there, as is Christopher Mintz-Plasse (aka McLovin), Michael Cera (playing a coke-snorting sociopathic version of himself), Emma Watson, Mindy Kaling, and Jonah Hill. When Jay and Seth go out to get more cigarettes, something terrifying happens: The Rapture.

Not just the apocalypse, mind you, but The Actual Rapture. As in, the Christian Rapture. As in, the "good" people get sucked up into Heaven and the bad people are left to suffer horrible deaths at the hands of demons. Perhaps needless to say, when Seth and Jay get back to Franco's, all the godless Hollywood heathens are still there, partying their asses off, and no one has been taken to Heaven.

But after a giant sinkhole appears in Franco's yard and most people at his party die, only five brave souls are left: Franco, Seth, Jay, Craig Robinson, and Jonah Hill. They must survive on the rations left over from the party (mostly booze) and fight both hell demons and a very surprising axe-wielding intruder.

What is most surprising (and probably most offensive to some) is the way This Is the End deals with the Christian religion. Trust me, the film is hardly a theological lecture, but it does show the characters reading James Franco's Bible (he has one?) in the search for clues about what's going on. And Franco delightfully explains the concept of the Holy Trinity by comparing it to Neapolitan ice cream.

Many people would consider the film's take on religion to be blasphemous, but I have a feeling those folks won't be checking out this movie anyway. When the characters discover that by being self-sacrificial and committing a truly selfless good deed they can also go to Heaven, it's a bit of a cheesy deus ex machina so that the characters can learn an important lesson about friendship before the end of the film. This view of Christianity is hardly theologically sound, but I didn't really get the impression that the filmmakers were trying to be hostile toward Christianity either. They seemed to be using Christianity and the Rapture as an absurd plot device to get laughs. 

This Is the End has too many good jokes, hilarious twists, and delightful cameos to even hint at here. It's the funniest comedy I've seen since Bridesmaids and I can't recommend it enough. That said, if you're sensitive to crude humor or Christianity being mocked/exploited/misrepresented, you should pass on this one.

5 out of 5 stars