Sicko Mode

Movies: Infinity Pool

Brandon Cronenberg's latest movie is wild as fuck. As Stefon, Bill Hader's SNL character, might say, this movie has it all: executions, cum-shots, creepy masks, Alexander Skarsgard led around naked on a dog leash. It truly is a sick, twisted, and fucked up movie and, brother, I was here for it.

Skarsgard plays James, a writer vacationing in the fictional country of Li Tolqa with his wealthy wife, Em (Cleopatra Coleman). Because Li Tolqa is a very poor, very crime-ridden country, James and Em are staying at a resort where tourists are not allowed to leave the resort compound. The couple meets Gabi (Mia Goth) and Alban (Jalil Lespert), a rich couple who regularly travel to Li Tolqa. They convince Em and James to borrow a car, leave the resort, and go to the beach for a day. On the drive home, a drunken James hits and kills a local. The next morning he is arrested and told that the punishment for murder--even accidental murder--is death.

BUT! Since Li Tolqa relies so heavily on tourism they have a workaround for when a tourist commits a crime: James can pay "a significant sum" to be doubled. Like, literally, they create a copy of James that is identical in every way and even shares James' memories. The double can be executed in James' place. After watching his double get stabbed to death by the 13 year old son of the man he killed, James is...intrigued. Em decides she wants to go home immediately, but James claims to lose his passport and encourages Em to leave without him. He then gets invited to a party where Gabi and Alban introduce him to a group of friends who have all experienced the doubling process themselves. They basically treat it as a "get out of jail free" card...only it's not free. But these folks are wildly rich, so they can pay to have multiple doubles created and killed in their stead.

What follows is a fever dream of drugs, crime, violence, and debauched sex. The group, led by Gabi, push and pull James deeper and deeper into their fucked up games of dominance and submission. Infinity Pool is kinky. And in a way that only people who are actually into kink would understand. One comment I read said that this is an entire movie about a man with a humiliation fetish, and that's pretty accurate. Alexander Skarsgard plays James as a man who allows himself to be pushed around, insulted, and peer-pressured by other people--in particular, by beautiful women. His own wife acts cold and dismissive around him--even insulting him in front of others. Despite seeming to be bewildered by it all, James never really pushes back. One might even say that he...enjoys such treatment. 

The 6'4" actor walks with a hunch, even before all the crazy shit goes down. He has bags under his eyes. He looks like shit the entire movie--quite an accomplishment, given that Skarsgard is considered to be a supremely good-looking man. But this handsome giant is brought low by the tiny Mia Goth...yelled at, mocked, teased, and even lead around on a dog leash. This movie is definitely someone's fetish. 

But putting aside the kinky elements for just a moment...what is this movie actually *about*? Well, it's not exactly ground-breaking: it's about how rich people get away with everything. How indulging in life-ruining activities are just a bit of vacation fun for the super-wealthy. There's a great scene at the end of the movie where they're all taking a bus to the airport and talking about mundane shit like rearranging the furniture at home and picking up the house key from the nanny. This very normal conversation comes after some batshit crazy behavior, highlighting the fact that for these people even the most heinous crimes are nothing more than a trifle, soon to be fun memories as they return to their normal lives.

The use of both doubling and masks (Li Tolqa has a cultural thing for masks, and the group wears some really creepy ones while committing crimes) is pretty obviously symbolic of "shadow selves"--how we can compartmentalize our actions when we do bad things and convince ourselves that we're not bad people. Wearing a mask lowers our inhibitions (this is an actual psychological phenomenon) and in the world of Infinity Pool, a double is like a mask on steroids. Imagine what you would be capable of if you knew that someone else--another version of you--would pay the penalty and you would get away scot-free. 

I don't really think Infinity Pool says anything new or groundbreaking. It's the same old story: "the rich are different than you and me". But damn if it isn't a fun ride. Not to be an edgelord, but this movie is not for the faint of heart. It's got buckets of cum, blood, and piss. It's got mind-boggling hallucinogenic imagery (it even has a flashing lights warning at the beginning of the film). But as a certified Sicko, I enjoyed the hell out of it. 

Grade: B+

Stuff I watched in...January, 2023

Readers--I watched a lot of movies in January! The theme of the month seems to be "dark" as most of these films fall into the dark comedy, intense drama, or straight-up horror categories.

***

The Apartment

This 1960 comedy is directed by Billy Wilder and stars Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine. Lemmon plays Baxter, an office worker who allows his bosses the use of his apartment as a place where they can go to cheat on their wives. He develops a crush on Fran (MacLaine), the elevator operator, who is the mistress of Sheldrake (Fred MacMurray), a bigwig who uses Baxter's apartment. The movie takes a very dark turn when Sheldrake takes Fran to Baxter's apartment on Christmas and basically treats her like a whore--giving her a "Christmas present" of $100 before leaving to be with his wife. Fran attempts to overdose on Baxter's sleeping pills and Baxter finds her before she dies and manages to get the doctor next door to revive her. As Fran recovers over the next couple days in Baxter's home, the two grow closer.

Damn y'all, this was a good movie. And I was not expecting the suicide scene to be so intense. Jack Lemmon is known for playing goofballs, but he really brings out the dramatic acting chops during the suicide/recovery scene. The Apartment reminds me a lot of Mad Men--but the parts of Mad Men where the characters suffer for their poor choices. If you're looking for a movie that doesn't romanticize the mid-twentieth century and shows that people were just as horny, drunk, sad, and cruel back then as they are today, this is your movie!

Grade: A-

***

In the Heat of the Night

Speaking of people being cruel in the mid-twentieth century... In the Heat of the Night is a 1967 crime movie directed by Norman Jewison and starring the indomitable Sidney Poitier as Virgil Tibbs, a homicide detective from Philadelphia traveling through Sparta, Mississippi to visit his mother. When a rich local man is murdered, Tibbs is arrested for basically being Black and near the body. When Chief of Police Bill Gillespie (Rod Steiger) realizes Tibbs is innocent and also, like, really really good at being a homicide detective, he asks him (with the insistence of the dead man's widow) to stay and help them with the case.

Only problem is that Tibbs is Black and this is Mississippi in the 1960s. So Tibbs is constantly in danger of being killed by the hicks in town. Poitier has this badass scene where they visit this rich racist and the racist slaps Tibbs and then Tibbs slaps him back and the rich racist basically cries like a little piss-baby about it. I just wish that Tibbs had slapped him harder.

Gillespie, who is also a racist, grows to respect Tibbs and protects him as best he can from the racist trash losers in town. However, don't go thinking this movie is super progressive. It's doing the best it can in 1967. Tibbs has to be THE BEST at his job to even get begrudging respect from Gillespie. And art reflects life: Poitier had to play dignified, intelligent, nearly angelic characters to get respect in Hollywood as a Black man. 

In the Heat of the Night is an interesting film, in that it is both dated and forward-thinking simultaneously. It's worth watching for Poitier's stellar performance. 

Grade: B+

***

Fire of Love

Fire of Love is a documentary about a couple, Katia and Maurice Krafft, who were volcanologists and captured unbelievable footage of active volcanoes before the were both killed by...you guessed it...a volcano in 1991.

The footage in this doc is truly amazing. I only wish I had a larger TV to watch it on. The rest of the movie about Katia and Maurice is not as compelling, so I found the movie beautiful but boring. Definitely recommended for fans of nature documentaries, though.

Grade: B-

***

Some Like it Hot

There's a good chance I've reviewed Some Like it Hot on this blog already because I watch it every couple of years. What can I say? It's a classic, and for good reason. Directed by Billy Wilder, and starring Tony Curtis, Jack Lemmon, and Marilyn Monroe, Some Like it Hot is one of--if not the--best comedies of all time. 

Also, this movie is SUPER GAY. I mean, there's the cross-dressing aspect, obviously. But even the straight parts of the movie are queer AF. The movie is also funny AF and in a way that still feels fresh over 60 years later. 

There's really nothing more to say. If you haven't seen Some Like it Hot, what are you even doing with your life. Go watch it immediately. 

Grade: A+

***

The Slums of Beverly Hills

This low-key coming of age comedy was my jam when I was a teenager. Directed by Tamara Jenkins and starring everyone's crush, Natasha Lyonne (as well as Marisa Tomei, Alan Arkin, and Jessica Walter), The Slums of Beverly Hills takes place in 1976. Ne'er do well Murray Abromowitz (Arkin) is a poor man who hustles, lies, and cheats for every penny (and has a gambling addiction, which doesn't help). He drags his three kids from cheap apartment to cheap apartment, always staying within Beverly Hills for the good schools. 

His daughter, Vivian (Lyonne), is 14 years old and hates this lifestyle. When Murray takes in his niece, Rita (Marisa Tomei), a fellow fuck-up who has been in and out of rehab and has never held down a job, Rita serves as a feminine--and questionable--influence on Vivian.

Although the movie is hilarious, it has a very dark streak. Vivian is surrounded by unstable people right when she needs stability the most. The film has a "family--even fucked up family--is important" message, but that message is shot-through with sadness, given that Murray is not that great of a father. When I was younger, I didn't really feel the heaviness of The Slums of Beverly Hills, but as an adult...woo, baby. Still, it's a great movie with a ton of excellent actors.

Grade: A-

***

Jawbreaker

Jawbreaker is a very dark teen comedy that was panned when it came out in 1999, but I think has cult status potential today. The movie stars Judy Greer, Rose McGowan, Rebecca Gayheart...and freakin' Pam Grier (Coffey herself!) as a detective. McGowan, Gayheart, and Julie Benz play Courtney, Julie, and Marcie--popular girls with deep mean streaks. Their clique is rounded out by Liz Purr (Charlotte Ayanna), who is very kind--in addition to being beautiful, rich, and smart--thus universally beloved at Reagan High School, much to the chagrin of Courtney. 

On Liz's 17th birthday, the girls kidnap her to take her out for breakfast. However, because Courtney shoves a huge jawbreaker candy in Liz's mouth, Liz chokes to death and the girls have to cover up the accidental death. When deeply unpopular Fern Mayo (Judy Greer) finds out what happened, Courtney offers to make Fern beautiful and popular in exchange for her silence and Fern reluctantly agrees. But when Fern--renamed "Vylette" by Courtney--becomes even more popular than Courtney, things get rough.

Jawbreaker is campy, brutal, and candy-colored. It also has a wicked good soundtrack, with Imperial Teen's "Yoo Hoo" as the cherry on top of this poison pastry of a film. This movie straight up scared the hell out of me when I saw it as a teen because of all the bad behavior and mean girl shenanigans, but as an adult I see the dark humor of it all.

Grade: A-

***

Pet Sematary

This 1989 adaptation of Stephen King's horror novel about an indigenous burial ground that resurrects whomever is buried in it is wildly campy, but also has some truly upsetting moments. Directed by Mary Lambert, the movie begins with the Creed family--doctor Louis, wife Rachel, and kids Ellie and Gage--moving to a small town in Maine where Louis takes a job as a physician at the University of Maine.

The family makes the incredibly bad choice of moving to a house near a busy road that a lot of trucks barrel down. Their neighbor, Jud Crandall (played by Herman Munster himself, Fred Gwynne), warns the family to be careful of the road and takes them to a nearby "Pet Sematary" where children have buried their beloved pets over the decades. 

When Rachel, Gage, and Ellie are away on a trip, Louis discovers that the family cat, Church, has been run over. Jud takes Louis to a second cemetery hidden beyond the first one and explains that it is the traditional burial ground of the Mi'kmaq people and if you bury an animal in the ground, it will come back. Louis, who can't bear to tell Ellie that Church is dead, buries the feline in the enchanted (or cursed) ground and...sure enough...the cat comes back. Only it's a mean sonofabitch now.

Surprise fucking surprise, can you guess who dies next? That's right--toddler Gage gets hit by a truck, which leads to one of the most honest and devastating scenes in the movie: Louis' father-in-law, who already hates him, insults him at his own son's funeral and Louis punches the motherfucker. Even though Pet Sematary is filled with campy special effects and make-up, I have to say that its approach to death and grief is on the money. People react to grief in pretty wild ways, so this funeral-punching scene, while dramatic, felt pretty honest.

Of course, dumbass Louis puts Gage in the burial ground and Gage comes back as a little monster who wants to kill everyone. Whatever animatronics or effects they used for killer Gage was...not great and inadvertently made the final part of the movie hilarious. But I feel like the horror of Pet Sematary isn't the killer zombie toddler, but about how people CANNOT deal with death. There is a conflict that sets off the entire chain of events between Louis and Rachel: Rachel doesn't want to have an honest conversation with their daughter Ellie about death, which inspires Louis to bring Church back to life (thus, learning about the power of the Mi'kmaq burial ground) rather than, um, teach a 7 year old about death. 

So, the real horror of Pet Sematary is bad parenting and adults not facing their own trauma, thus passing it on to their children. King is really good at writing about trauma and bad parenting. It doesn't always translate well to the big screen, but the overall idea behind Pet Sematary is excellent. The movie is...ok. But I think I'm going to check out the book.

Grade: B-

***

The Advent Calendar

The Advent Calendar is a Shudder original film about a wheelchair-bound woman who is gifted an old, wooden advent calendar that a friend stole from a German flea market. When they open it, the calendar presents them with a set of rules: if you dump the calendar, you'll die. If you eat the first piece of candy, you have to eat all the candy in the calendar. And you have to follow the commands of the calendar or you'll die.

Main character Eva discovers that by following the rules of the calendar, wonderful things happen: she gets immediately rich through investing, she is able to make a man fall wildly in love with her, and most importantly, she can walk again. Since Eva was a dancer before her accident, the ability to walk again is truly a miracle to her. But--no shocker here--it all comes at a terrible, murderous price. 

This was a fine movie to while away an evening, but it's nothing to write home about. Like most Shudder originals, it's good, but not great. 

Grade: B-

***

The Special

The Special is a movie where a guy, Jerry, is dragged to a brothel by a friend and given "the special"--literally a box you stick your dick into. Whatever is in that box is SO amazing and insanely orgasm-inducing that Jerry is willing to commit crimes--including murder--to put his johnson in it again. He steals the box and what follows is some of the most disgusting body horror I've ever seen. It's kind of like David Cronenberg's The Fly, if The Fly was a very bad movie about a guy sticking his junk into a box. 

This is a TERRIBLE movie. The acting is laughable, the dialogue is horrendous, the plot is ludicrous. The whole thing is so amateur, it hurts. But it's also entertaining because it's about a guy sticking his hog into a mysterious box. How would that not be entertaining? 

Watch at your own risk of either being disgusted by the body horror or the bad dialogue.

Grade: D+

***

The Apology

Another Shudder original, The Apology stars Anna Gunn (better known as Skyler White from Breaking Bad) as Darlene, recovering alcoholic whose daughter went missing twenty years prior. She is preparing to host Christmas at her house for the first time since her daughter's disappearance, but Darlene is far from ok. She is still holding out hope that her daughter will someday be found.

Just as Darlene is about to break her 19 years of sobriety with a good bottle of vodka, she hears a knock on the door. It's her ex brother-in-law Jack (Linus Roache) who claims his car broke down a few streets over. He was planning on coming to Christmas as a surprise. As Jack and Darlene catch-up, the conversation takes a dark turn when Jack reveals that he knows something about Darlene's daughter's disappearance and wants to alleviate some of Darlene's suffering by telling her what he knows. But will the revelations break Darlene? Or empower her to move on? You'll have to watch to find out!

The Apology is a solid thriller that rests entirely on Anna Gunn and Linus Roache's shoulders (Janeane Garofalo has a wonderful supporting role as Darlene's neighbor and best friend, Gretchen). Gunn is just wonderful as a woman whose guilt and complicated grief have held her back for 20 years. She portrays emotional agony and rage so well (I've always been annoyed at how viewers hated her character in Breaking Bad while loving Bryan Cranston's character. That's misogyny, folks!). Roache is perfect as a selfish scumbag. The Apology is not a feel-good movie at all, and in fact my anxiety was palpable throughout the whole movie. So watch at your own emotional risk!

Grade: B

Dollface

Movies: M3GAN

I'm not really sure I can add much to the M3GAN discourse that's been going on since the trailer dropped months ago. When I saw the trailer for "M'threegan" back in the fall, I was like "ok, this movie looks hella entertaining". But I did not expect the movie to be sitting at a damn 94% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes! Go, M'threegan, go! SLAY QUEEN. 

So, I saw the movie and it is indeed as campy, self-aware, and hilarious as everyone is saying. Is this going to be a favorite horror movie of mine that I return to time and time again? No. Was it super fun to watch in a crowded theatre with a huge bucket of popcorn? Absolutely.

If you're somehow living under a rock and don't know the plot of M3GAN, it starts out with 8 year old Cady (Violet McGraw) losing both of her parents in a car accident. Cady's aunt, Gemma (Allison Williams), becomes her guardian. But Gemma is not really prepared to become the guardian to an 8 year old. She's a brilliant engineer who works for a toy company and doesn't really "get" kids (IRONY!).

Gemma is working on a top-secret project: an android doll named "M3GAN" (Model 3 Generative Android) that is designed to be a kid's companion. This doll will be able to play with kids, remind them to brush their teeth, read them stories, and basically do...all the shit that parents are supposed to do. It's really more like a nanny than a toy. Gemma has the amazing and definitely not bad idea of testing M3GAN out on Cady. Not only will this give Gemma the data she needs to impress her boss, Cady will benefit from having a friend during this difficult time. Win-win!

But since this is a horror movie about AI, we all know what's going to happen. M3GAN is specifically designed to improve and have better responses based on AI learning. Her primary directive is to protect Cady. So, when a neighbor's dog attacks Cady and bites her...well, I think you can imagine M3GAN's response (don't worry, you never see the, uh, results of M3GAN's intervention). Later, when a boy bullies Cady, M3GAN goes medieval on the little fucker's ass. 

Any attempts to shut down M3GAN result in her coming back stronger and angrier. I think it also helps that the doll has a titanium core, because she's strong as fuck and basically indestructible. Uh, except for this weird part where Gemma throws a glass of water in M3GAN's face and it actually short-circuits her, which, um, plot hole? Why would you create an advanced, indestructible piece of technology and not make it waterproof? 

Directed by Gerald Johnstone, who also directed the excellent horror-comedy Housebound, M3GAN is campy fun where a doll dressed better than me does TikTok dances before murdering grown men. If you're a person who likes horror, but doesn't like a ton of gore or jump scares, M3GAN will probably work for you. It's a fun, entertaining movie that may well be a cult classic someday. 

Grade: B+

Night Terrors

Movies: Skinamarink

The shoestring budget horror film Skinamarink, directed by Kyle Edward Ball, is having a moment. Last year the film got leaked online and then EVERYONE started talking about how it's "the scariest movie of all time". This particular review, in which the author writes that Skinamarink "taps into something deep, long thought buried, primordial..." is what put the film on my radar. 

But as scary as Skinamarink sounded, it also sounded incredibly boring. The "plot", if it can be called that, is paper thin: two kids, Kevin (age 4) and Kaylee (probably about 7), wake up to find their dad missing. As they begin wandering around the house, they notice that the windows, doors, and even toilet start disappearing. They are alone, trapped, and confused. They can't even tell what time of day it is.

The scares truly begin when an incredibly unnerving, disembodied voice begins to talk to them, beckoning them to "come upstairs" or "go to the basement". This voice seems to be the source of all the terror the children endure. The entity is able to stick toys on the ceiling, remove the children's eyes and mouths, make the power go out (except for the TV, which plays a constant loop of public domain cartoons), and basically keep Kevin and Kaylee in a hell on earth in the place that is supposed to be safest for them: their own home.

Skinamarink, which was filmed on the unbelievable budget of $15,000 (for reference, Paranormal Activity was also filmed on a budget of $15,000, but that was over 15 years ago), is really more of an experimental film than anything else. Nothing happens for probably 60 minutes of the 100 minute run time. There are endless shots of ceiling lights, toys, doorways, and hallways. The movie is one big evil vibe. There are numerous jump scares, which are mostly sound-based. Like, the camera is fixed on a doorway leading to darkness for 45 seconds and then we hear a screech. It is definitely nerve-jangling, though not exactly innovative. What IS innovative is how well Skinamarink seems to perfectly capture the fears of children that stick with us into adulthood. 

I want to take a minute to explain that I did not watch Skinamarink the way it was intended to be watched: either in a theatre or with headphones on a laptop in a dark room. I watched it without headphones on a laptop in the middle of the day. I knew that the headphones-in-a-dark-room would, frankly, be unpleasantly scary for me. But I was curious and wanted to see what the fuss was about. So, I cheated. I also cheated Kyle Edward Ball out of some money since I watched the movie for free online. But, eh, the movie has already made $890,000 at the box office, so it's going to be fine.

Would I recommend Skinamarink? Yes, but specifically for horror fans who enjoy experimental, slow burns. If you hate being scared by movies, this one is very much not for you. I know some folks are willing to be a little scared in order to watch a good or culturally important film, but this movie will absolutely cause nightmares for a lot of people. Also, if you can't stand extremely slow movies (and I can only just barely stand them), you will probably be bored out of your skull with this one. I've heard it described as "David Lynch at his most inaccessible" or "like the last shot of The Blair Witch Project but for 100 minutes". So, based on those descriptions, go forth and make good choices.

Overall, I have to give Skinamarink a solid "B" since Ball truly tries (and succeeds) at capturing a particular kind of terror that will resonate with many viewers. However, it's not rewatchable (it's barely "watchable" in the first place) and it simply doesn't have enough plot to feel "great". 

Grade: B

The Lost Week

Here are the movies I watched during the week between Christmas and New Years, aka "The Lost Week". I chose some really good movies to end 2022 on! 

***

Singin' in the Rain

It's kind of wild that I had not only not watched Singin' in the Rain, considered one of the greatest films of all time, until now...but that I didn't even know what it was about until now. Singin' in the Rain, a musical comedy starring Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds, is about the transition from silent films to talkies and how that affected actors and film crews. What a cool time period and cool concept! 

Kelly plans Don Lockwood, an actor who appears in many silent films with Lina Lamont (Jean Hagen). The duo star together so often that they are collectively referred to as "Lockwood & Lamont" and there are constant rumors of romance between the two (even though Don pretty much loathes Lina). But when the duo are required to make a "talkie" to keep up with the rest of Hollywood, their secret will be revealed: Lina Lamont has an absolutely awful voice. 

Enter Kathy Selden (Reynolds), a young dancer with a beautiful voice. When the latest Lockwood & Lamont picture is revamped to be a musical, a plan is hatched for Kathy to voice Lina's lines and sing for her. But then Don and Kathy start falling for each other and jealous Lina schemes to ruin Kathy's career.

With classic songs such as "Singin' in the Rain", "Good Morning", and Moses Supposes", Singin' in the Rain is a delightful, colorful, film that lives up to its reputation as one of the GOATs.

Grade: A

***

Red Rocket 

Sean Baker, director of Tangerine and The Florida Project, loves to make "slice of life" films about Americans living on the edge of poverty and society. His latest, Red Rocket, follows a man that we might generously call a "ne'er do well" (or, less generously, call a fuck-up and a creep). Mikey Saber (played in a stunning breakout role by Simon Rex) left his hometown of Texas City, Texas for Los Angeles 17 years ago where we worked in the adult film industry. He has returned home to an estranged wife who wants nothing to do with him, no job, and no prospects. It's pretty clear that Mikey is infamous in Texas City and that everyone hates him.

Mikey is a fast-talker and is incredibly charismatic. He's not evil, but he is wildly self-centered and, though not lacking in intelligence, very good at making spectacularly dumb life choices. He visits his old marijuana dealer, Leondria (Judy Hill) and gets a job moving bud. He also meets the barely legal Raylee (who goes by "Strawberry"; played by Suzanna Son) at a local donut shop and becomes immediately smitten/horny. He is convinced that he can bring this girl, who is less than a month away from turning 18, back to LA and turn her into the greatest porn star who ever lived.

All of this would be insanely creepy if it weren't for Simon Rex's pitch-perfect performance. It's still very creepy to see a guy who is probably in his late-30s "dating" a girl who is technically legal in Texas but is young enough to be his daughter, but Rex walks this incredibly fine line of coming off as a genuinely nice and funny guy, but also a total doofus who can't think one step beyond the pussy and donuts right in front of his face. 

Red Rocket is hilarious, cringe-y, free-wheeling, and sexy/trashy in a way that will make you question your own ethics. 

Grade: A-

***

Blast from the Past

I LOVED this movie as a young teen. When I saw it was on streaming, I wanted to, well, uh, have a blast from the past! This sweet, goofy romance holds up! Brendan Fraser plays Adam, a 35 year old man who was born and raised in a fallout shelter after his parents, Calvin and Helen (Christopher Walken and Sissy Spacek, both hilarious and wonderful in this movie), become convinced that it's only a matter of time until the United States is bombed by the Russians. They're not just paranoid either, as the film opens during the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962.

Well, 35 years later, Calvin believes it's safe to explore outside again, but get a shock when he leaves his shelter and it's 1997 in a shitty neighborhood in LA. He immediately sees a homeless guy digging through trash and a trans hooker saying she "can be a boy, girl, whatever you want" and believes that the humans up above are mutants! (btw, despite how that sounds, the joke is always on Calvin and never on the people he--and later, Adam--meets).

Calvin is so shocked that Adam has to take his place and go up above to look for resources and, possibly, a non-mutant wife. When attempting to sell some old baseball cards, he meets Eve (Alicia Silverstone), who helps the naive Adam not be taken advantage of by the guy offering to buy the cards. Adam convinces the skeptical Eve to help him sell his cards (which are worth thousands apiece) and buy all the resources he needs to keep his parents comfortable in the fallout shelter. 

Blast from the Past is genuinely sweet and funny. Some elements I thought might not have aged well (for example, Dave Foley plays Troy, Eve's gay roommate) are actually handled really well for a movie from 25 years ago. When Eve tells Adam that Troy is gay, Adam says "well, good for you!" thinking she means like, a joyous person. The fact that Adam is so clueless and yet so earnest and sweet means that whenever he encounters someone different and new to him, he treats them with respect automatically. 

Brendan Fraser is just wonderful in this movie and it makes me happy to know that we're in the Brendanaissance right now and the actor is finally getting his due after some pretty shitty treatment he received in Hollywood. 

Grade: B+

***

Fall

This survival thriller was SO anxiety-inducing. I watch a lot of horror and thriller movies, but I think I was the most vocal over this one, often saying out loud (while watching it by myself, mind you) "Oh fuck." "Oh no!" "You've got to be shitting me!!" and just "NOOOOOOOO!!!" That's because Fall is about the fear that gets us all: heights. Or, more specifically, falling from heights.

Becky (Grace Caroline Currey), her husband Dan (Mason Gooding), and her best friend Hunter (Virginia Gardner), are rock climbers. But when Dan dies in a terrible accident, Becky becomes a recluse and even contemplates suicide. To pull her out of her funk, Hunter basically forces Becky to go on an "adventure" with her, where they will climb a decommissioned TV tower for Hunter's YouTube channel. Becky allows herself to be coaxed and prodded into going along with this crazy stunt.

Well, the tower has a ladder all the way to the top. But at the top, the ladder, which is old and rusty, breaks and falls away, leaving the women stuck at the tippy-top with no way to get down. Their backpacks, which have their water, fall and land on a communications dish below and though they have their phones, they don't have service.

Fall has every survival thriller trope and cliche in the book. However, despite the fact that I guessed one of the big "twists" about two minutes in, I still had a great time watching the movie. I wished I had seen it in the theatre, because it would have been even more intense. But even on my old-ass TV, it was still very effective. 

Grade: B+

***

See for Me

A Shudder original film, See for Me is a serviceable thriller about Sophie, young, blind woman housesitting for a rich lady. When burglars break into the woman's house, Sophie must use an app called "See for Me" to survive. This film takes inspiration from both 1967's Wait Until Dark and 2016's Hush, but doesn't really offer us anything new. There are a lot of tense moments, but honestly I was the most tense when Sophie would go down stairs. Like, Sophie holding a gun and facing off against a bad guy? Meh. Sophie running around a house she wasn't familiar with? GIRL BE CAREFUL!!

I will add that there is a not-so-subtle "it's ok to steal from rich people" message in the movie, which I'm kind of ok with and I wish the movie had more balls to fully embrace. 

If you're bored and looking for a home invasion thriller with a twist, you might enjoy See for Me. Otherwise, it's one to skip.

Grade: B-

2022: The Best and the Rest

Movies: Best of

2022 was a shitty year for me and my family. I broke my leg, had surgery, the surgery failed, and then I had to get a second surgery. Plus, I had to put my sick cat down. I spent nearly three months living with my parents, which was tough on all of us. Various other family members experienced injuries, sickness, and other challenges. 

But challenging years are usually the years in which we grow the most. I learned A LOT about myself during the multiple times I had to spend flat on my ass recovering from surgery. I learned how important physical movement and being in my own space is to my well-being. 

You might be surprised to know that I didn't watch a ton of movies during my recovery periods (I struggled with concentration and a short attention span)...however, I did gain an appreciation for the role that movies play in my life. Movies are to me what poetry and prayer are to others. They provide a chance to reflect. To immerse myself in another world. To see difficult emotions reflected back at me. Movies are both a safe space and a challenging space to me. 

I don't think 2022 was a particularly great year for movies overall, but I do think it was a great year for horror movies specifically, and you will see that horror and thrillers make up the bulk of my favorites this year. Horror is therapeutic for me, so I'm glad I had some really excellent horror movies to get me through this bitch of a year.

***

The Best

10) Bones and All

It might be recency bias, but I do have to give the number 10 spot to Luca Guadagnino's dreamy cannibal romance movie. Although I wanted more from it, it still delivered excellent performances, shocks, intensity, and blood. Taylor Russell and Timothee Chalamet as the cannibalistic lovebirds, Maren and Lee, have the intense chemistry that only people under 25 can experience and it is a privilege to watch both actors lean into this vulnerability and passion. 

9) Men

A lot of people hated this movie, and I understand why. It's outrageous, unexpected, and the final third is a Freudian nightmare that will be laughable to many viewers. But I thought that Alex Garland's surrealistic meditation on grief, guilt, and misogyny was pretty dang good.

Harper (Jessie Buckley) is a widow recovering from her husband's suicide. She rents a house in the English countryside to rest and recuperate, but the owner, Geoffrey (Rory Kinnear), is a bit of a creep. Harper begins to experience strange things, such as a naked man following her on her walks in the countryside. And no one in town seems to take her seriously. Men, to me, is a movie about how men protect and cover for other men...and how misogyny is so commonplace and so embedded into our culture, that it becomes exhausting and dull. Where others found the symbolism too on the nose, I thought it was nightmarish and accurate.

8) Benediction

Terence Davies' melancholic biopic about WWI poet Siegfried Sassoon is slow, long, and sad. But it wasn't a slog. The film has a quiet beauty, not unlike one of Sassoon's poems. Sassoon, played by Jack Lowden as a young man, has passion and hope in his life: he is a gay man who has multiple affairs with other men and he is also a veteran of WWI who becomes staunchly anti-war. But over time, we see that hope and passion leak out of his life until he becomes a depressed, embittered older man (played by Peter Capaldi) who converts to Catholicism to find meaning in old age.

Benediction is a film that serves as a visual poem and honors a man who never quite received the love and intimacy he truly desired.

7) Bodies Bodies Bodies

Bodies Bodies Bodies, directed by Halina Reijin, is a horror-comedy that leans heavily into the comedy. A group of privileged early-twentysomethings gather at a mansion to ride out a hurricane. To pass the time, they play a game of "Bodies Bodies Bodies" (also known as "Werewolf" or "Mafia" to some). But when an actual dead body turns up, it's not long before these immature, entitled brats turn on one another, using the Gen Z trick of weaponizing the language of self-care and mental health to blame others. 

I actually found Bodies Bodies Bodies to be one of the funniest movies of the year. Pete Davidson, Lee Pace, and Rachel Sennott are particular standouts as the funniest actors in the bunch. I don't really feel like the movie hates on Gen Z too much; rather, it satirizes the most privileged among that group. But then again, I'm a Millennial, so what do I know? 

6) Nope

Maybe this is a controversial opinion, but Jordan Peele's most recent film is also his weakest. To be clear, even Peele's "weakest" movie is still pretty dang good. Nope is about spectacle and our collective desire to not just see, but record, amazing sights--even if it kills us. It's also a movie about how Hollywood uses and abuses both animals and crew. 

Daniel Kaluuya and Keke Palmer play siblings OJ and Em Haywood--the children of Otis Haywood, a horse trainer for Hollywood movies. When Otis passes away in a mysterious accident. OJ and Em must take over the family business. However, a strange object hovering over their ranch takes up all their time and attention. When they (particularly Em) become intent on capturing the mysterious thing, they risk their own lives to get "the Oprah shot". 

The b-plot involves a former child star, Ricky "Jupe" Park (played by Steven Yeun, excellent in this movie), who runs a ranch/amusement park and is still recovering from a traumatic experience on the set of the sitcom he acted in as a kid. The scene where we see what actually happened is one of the best scenes of the year, for my money. 

5) Everything Everywhere All at Once

Everything Everywhere All at Once is a nearly indescribable film. Directed by Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert (collectively known as "Daniels"), EEAAO follows Evelyn Wang (Michelle Yeoh, wonderful in this role), a Chinese immigrant, wife, and mother who runs a laundromat and feels deeply unfulfilled in life. While being audited by the IRS, she encounters a man who looks exactly like her husband, Waymond (Ke Huy Quan, playing the sweetest man on earth), but claims to be from a parallel universe. It turns out that there are infinite universes, but that all of them are in danger due to a disgruntled young woman, Jobu Tupaki (Stephanie Hsu), who is intent on destroying all of the universes and everything and everyone within them. 

Only Evelyn--boring, unfulfilled Evelyn--can stop this disaster. Why? Because she is the least talented version of herself in all the universes...and thus has the most potential. 

EEAAO is, you might have guessed, very philosophical. It is about regret, how our choices run out over time, and how love might make it worth it to live in whatever timeline you're doomed to live in. But the philosophy is wrapped up in a bow of comedy, action, and surrealism. This is an eye-popping, insanely detailed film that rewards rewatches. If you're looking for a movie that says "life, warts and all, is worth living", this is the one you want to watch

4) Barbarian

For sure this was the scariest movie of my top 10, but it also has many moments of humor to break up the incredible tension. Tess (Georgina Campell) arrives at an AirBnb in a run down suburb of Detroit, only to find that a man, Keith (Bill Skarsgard), is already staying there. But it turns out that Keith isn't the scariest thing in the house.

Directed by Zach Clegg, Barbarian is the wildest roller coaster ride of the year. There is no way to predict the twists and turns this movie makes. Barbarian is also very rewatchable, and is one of the movies I see returning to over and over on this list...especially if I'm showing it to someone who hasn't seen it, because the look on their faces will be priceless. If you haven't watched it, please don't read anything about it and just go in blind.

3) The Banshees of Inisherin

The Banshees of Inisherin, directed by Martin McDonagh, is a movie about depression, rejection, and loneliness. On the fictional island of Inisherin, off the coast of Ireland, in 1923, two friends--Padraic (Colin Farrell) and Colm (Brendan Gleeson)--become not-friends. Colm stops speaking to Padraic one day. When Padraic pushes for an explanation, Colm tells him he's dull and boring and Colm doesn't want to waste his limited time listening to "aimless chatter" and instead wants to write and compose folk music. 

When Padraic won't leave Colm alone, Colm threatens to cut one of his own fingers off for every time Padraic bothers him. Does he follow through? You'll have to watch to find out!

Banshees is a deeply sad, yet deeply funny movie. Truly, a difficult line to walk! But Martin McDonagh, who directed In Bruges and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, is the right director to walk it. His movies are never *just* dramas. They are drama-comedies that also push things a little too far. Gleeson and Farrell give incredible performances as men who desperately need therapy, but only have the pub and the confessional booth as tools to work on their mental health. Barry Keoghan and Kerry Condon also give excellent performances as town weirdo Dominic and Padraic's sister (and the only person with any sense on the whole island), Siobhan, respectively. 

2) Tar

Director Todd Field's monumental film, Tar, is 16 years in the making. This exquisite film, starring Cate Blanchett as a fictional orchestra conductor Lydia Tar, is a fiercely and intimidatingly intelligent film about the rise and fall of a wildly talented narcissist. 

Clocking in at 2 hours and 40 minutes, Tar feels epic. It begins with reverse credits, honoring the people who would be last credited in traditional credits that run at the end of a film. It then drops the viewer into the world of orchestra and classical music and doesn't hold our hands. Lydia Tar is elegant, intelligent, polite, and fearsome. However, her own actions bring her down by the end of the movie.

Todd Field was very likely inspired by Stanley Kubrick (he even had a significant acting role in Kubrick's final film, Eyes Wide Shut) and that inspiration can be seen in Tar, which feels cold and methodical but also with an element of madness and danger. Tar is very much not everyone's cup of tea, but I was mesmerized by it, and especially by the sure to be award-winning performance of Cate Blanchett at the center of the film.

1) Tie: X and Pearl

Ti West's films X and Pearl seemed to come out of nowhere this year and managed to steal my heart away. The two films are set in the same universe. X takes place in 1979 and Pearl in 1918. Both take place on a farm in Texas near the gulf. 

X follows a small crew of adult filmmakers who rent out a guest house on the above-mentioned farm in order to film a "classy" porno titled "The Farmer's Daughters". The ensemble playing this crew is wall-to-wall excellent. Mia Goth is Maxine, an ingenue who dreams of becoming a huge star via the adult industry. Martin Henderson, doing a hilarious and pitch-perfect Matthew McConaughey impression, plays Wayne, Maxine's boyfriend and the director of the movie. Brittany Snow is Bobby-Lynne, an experienced adult actress, and Scott Mescudi (aka Kid Cudi) is Jackson Hole, an experienced adult actor. Owen Campell is RJ, the cinematographer, who dreams of making an artsy porn film like the European ones. Jenna Ortega is Lorraine, RJ's assistant and girlfriend.

The reason I took the time to name all the main characters is because the ensemble cast is what makes X so dang good. The characters play off of each other perfectly and the movie is very funny because of each character's quirks. 

Inspired by The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, X is a slasher and the killers are, well, unexpected. The two elderly people who own the farm, Howard and Pearl, harbor secrets of their own and don't look too kindly on the people renting their guesthouse. 

Pearl was released after X and is a prequel to the film. Mia Goth plays Pearl, a young woman living on that same farm who dreams of being a star in the pictures. But her strict, German immigrant mother and disabled father squash any hope of Pearl making a more exciting life for herself. That repression leads Pearl to lash out in ways that won't be surprising if you saw X! Mia Goth is sooooo good as Pearl in Pearl. The movie is a wonderful surprise--it's more of a "weepie" in the style of Douglas Sirk than it is a horror movie (though it is that, too). Pearl is filmed in gorgeous colors and feels both incredibly sensual and highly dangerous...like the characters might fuck or kill depending on how they feel that day. 

While I think some of the movies on my list a "better" than X and Pearl, these two movies are definitely my favorites of the year and the ones I will likely return the most too.

***

Honorable mentions:

Resurrection, The Northman, The Black Phone, Flux Gourmet, Good Luck to You Leo Grande, Watcher, Pleasure (2021), The Menu

***

The "Coulda Been Better" Award:

Crimes of the Future -- I was very hyped for David Cronenberg's dystopian film where humans begin growing new organs, but sadly the movie fell flat. Maybe I'll enjoy it on a second watch.

The "Holy Shit, Fuck Me Up Why Don't You?" Award:

Speak No Evil, Soft & Quiet -- two very, very good movies that feel absolutely, skin-crawlingly disturbing. Watch at your own risk.

***

The Worst

3) Don't Worry Darling

Olivia Wilde's follow-up to the very good Booksmart is a beautiful mess. The costumes are gorgeous, the acting ranges from good (Flo Pugh and Chris Pine) to indulgent (Olivia Wilde, giving herself a needless role in the movie) to wooden AF (Harry Styles, honestly very disappointing...he seems like a cool guy, but he was awful in this movie), the plot is ludicrous. When the major plot twist is revealed, the movie plunges downhill, racing to the end, as if Wilde was less interested in the world she created than in the pretty dresses women wear in that world. Don't Worry Darling has entertainment value, but it's not a well-crafted film.

2) We're All Going to the World's Fair

My online cinephile friends will be disgusted that I found this movie to be INSANELY boring...but I gotta calls it like I sees it. This low budget indie, starring a wonderful up-and-comer, Anna Cobb, was marketed as a horror movie and, friends, it's about as scary as a garden hose. The film is more about loneliness and isolation (which, admittedly, are scary things) than anything else. But the movie was such a slow burn, it drove me up the wall. 

1) Sissy

This Australian horror film is about a social media influencer who runs into her long-estranged friend and is invited to said friend's bachelorette weekend. During that weekend, Cecilia (or "Sissy") comes face to face with the bullies of her past and her own violent impulses. This movie sucked. The characters are awful. They are bad people, which is ok, but they have no redeeming qualities: they are boring, stereotypical, unfunny, cruel, and one-dimensional. Sissy has been compared to Bodies Bodies Bodies since it's a slasher about entitled young people, but where BBB is funny, well-acted, and captures something that feels true about Gen Z, Sissy is boring, poorly-acted, and rings false. 

***

And that's it! See you all in 2023!

The Broken Leg Diaries: The Return

Hi, it's me again. In March, I broke my leg and had surgery...but the surgery didn't take and so here I am again, recovering from a second surgery to hopefully actually fix my leg this time. 

What does this mean for movie-watching? Well, it means I can't really see movies in the theatre until I'm at least able to walk in a boot. Which really sucks because I wanted to see Luca Guadagnino's Bones and All in the threatre and might not be able to. But I will hopefully be able to catch it before I make my "Best Of 2022" list in January since it seems like the kind of movie a sicko like me would enjoy.

EDIT: I rented Bones and All! Read my review here.

For now, here are some movies and shows I've watched on streaming while my bitch-ass leg recovers...

***

Soft & Quiet

This movie fucked me up. Like, I lost sleep over this movie. Not because it's "scary" in the traditional way, but because it is one of the most intense, emotionally jarring movies I've ever seen. I hadn't even heard of it until I watched a YouTube video about "disturbing thrillers". In that video, the reviewer doesn't reveal the main conceit of the film and so I won't ruin it for you here either. The most basic plot description is: an elementary school teacher, Emily, convenes a meeting of like-minded women. When they move to another location to keep the wine flowing, they run into a woman from Emily's past and things get...insanely intense.

The film is also shot in real time and in one take, adding to the realism and intensity. If you like disturbing thrillers in the vein as Funny Games and Speak No Evil, I recommend checking out this movie and going in as blind as possible. If you're curious about it but sensitive to, well, basically anything that would be triggering to the average Joe, I recommend doing a little research to see if it's something you can handle. 

My only criticism is that there are parts of the film that strain believability. In the sense that I think some characters wouldn't behave/do some of the things they do. Otherwise, a fantastic, timely, devastating film.

Grade: A-

***

Profile

I also watched this movie because it was on that "disturbing thrillers" YouTube video. Directed by Timur Bekmambetov, Profile is about a British journalist who pretends to be a new convert to Islam in order to catfish an ISIS recruiter into spilling his secrets. 

The entire film takes place via computer, similar to movies like Unfriended, Host, and Searching. I will admit that I'm a sucker for this gimmick. I even watched the movie on my laptop to give it a more "authentic" feeling. The form of Profile is the best thing about it.

The movie itself strikes me as wildly unrealistic. Now, I'll admit I know next to nothing about ISIS recruitment of young, white women from Britain and the United States, but the amount of red flags Amy (Valene Kane) immediately gives off to Bilel (Shazad Latif) would clearly signal she's not sincere. On the flip side, the movie tries to convince us that Amy starts having actual feelings for Bilel, which just...ugh. Yeah, I could see that happening for women who *actually* want to be recruited, but for a journalist who is putting on a show? Although Bilel is more than a two-dimensional scary terrorist guy, you don't forget for a moment that he's...a scary terrorist guy! It feels like the movie is leaning into the "women can't resist a bad boy" trope. 

Is the movie Islamophobic? Ehh...it definitely toes the line. I mean, these are ISIS recruiters and, as @dril famously tweeted, "You do not, in fact, have to hand it to ISIS". I don't think it's Islamophobic to portray terrorists as terrorists...however, since there is the whole "white woman pretending to be attracted to a scary Middle Eastern man" element in Profile, I think the movie still preys on Western fears (and desires) of Middle Easterners. Put it this way: the movie is a gimmicky thriller, not a nuanced look at Middle Eastern politics. Anyone who already thinks all Muslims are scary or backwards won't have their minds changed by this film. 

Profile is entertaining for what it is, but it's not one you *have* to watch. 

Grade: B-

***

His House

His House, directed by Remi Weekes, has been on my watchlist for a while and all I can say is that I'm glad I watched it during daylight hours. The scares in this movie are INTENSE. Bol (Sope Dirisu) and Rial (Wunmi Mosaku) are refugees fleeing from war-torn Sudan to England with their daughter, Nyagak. During the trip, Nyagak falls off of the boat they're on and drowns.

Dazed and grieving, Bol and Rial make it to England and are given shabby government housing to stay in as the begin they process of applying for citizenship. They are warned to not move out of this housing, or they will be forced to return to immigration detention and possibly deported. Too bad the house is haunted AF!

While Bol tries hard to assimilate by purchasing more "western" clothes, watching football games in the local pubs, and eating every meal with cutlery, Rial continues to hold on to her culture, preferring to eat with her hands, wear clothes similar to what she wore in Sudan, and speak to her husband in her native language. This leads to tension between the couple. Additionally, both Rial and Bol are tormented by something in the house that takes the form of their dead daughter or other ghastly figures. Rial believes what they're seeing is an apeth--a night witch haunting them for misdeeds they committed in their native country. Bol just represses everything until he nearly loses his mind. 

His House is a deeply layered film which touches on the vulnerability of being an immigrant, racism, and how one's demons can follow you no matter where you go. This movie is really good and really scary!

Grade: B+

***

Dublin Murders

This 8 episode series mashes together two of Tana French's "Dublin Murder Squad" series: In The Woods and The Likeness. Detectives Rob Reilly (Killian Scott) and Cassie Maddox (Sarah Greene) are called to the scene of a crime in which a 13 year old girl was murdered in the woods behind a housing estate. Rob grew up in the same estate (basically the Irish version of subsidized housing) and also lost two friends to the very same woods when he was young. Those friends disappeared after witnessing something awful and their bodies were never found. Rob's family moved to England and changed their name. The only person who knows about Rob's history is Cassie, since he would never be allowed to work in the murder department if the truth was known. 

A b-plot involves the murder of a twenty-something woman who looks exactly like Cassie. Since Cassie used to work undercover, her old boss pressures her into assuming the identity of the dead woman and moving back in with the woman's housemates to get to the bottom of the murder. Pretty dumb idea, right!?

Dublin Murders was very entertaining with great acting, especially Killian Scott as the tortured Rob. They really didn't need to cram two plots into one series, but this was still a comforting watch for the first leg (heh) of my recovery.

Grade: B+

***

The White Lotus, season 2

If you want to enjoy The White Lotus, you have to be ok watching rich people behave badly and not always receive comeuppance. I really enjoyed the first season, which is set in Hawaii, and is filled with entitled brats treating "the help" like crap.

The second season takes place in Sicily, with the only returning characters being Tanya (Jennifer Coolidge) and Greg (Jon Gries). 

Season 2 is less juicy, but also perhaps more nuanced than the first season. There is less drama overall, except for Tanya's storyline. Aubrey Plaza is a standout as Harper, the wife of a newly rich man, Ethan, who feels a lot of wariness towards their new financial status. Additionally, Meghann Fahy is also excellent as Daphne, the wife of Cameron, Ethan's best friend from college (the couples are vacationing together). She appears at first to be a clueless, entitled housewife, but over time you discover she's smarter, more canny, and--frankly--a lot more fun than she appears at first blush.

Overall, a fun "good-trashy" watch ("good-trashy" = well-made, but thematically trashy) that doesn't say anything interesting or new about rich people.

Grade: B+

***

A Little Princess

Sometimes ya girl just wants to watch a really sweet movie! Directed by Alfonso Cuaron, 1995's A Little Princess was a childhood favorite of mine. Rewatching it now, I have to say that it holds up for the most part. Sara Crewe (Liesel Matthews) is a preteen who lives with her father, Captain Richard Crewe (Liam Cunningham), in India. It's 1914, so India is under British rule (an issue definitely NOT addressed in the movie!). When WWI begins, Richard is called to go to war. He sends Sara to a girl's boarding school in New York City--the same school her (dead) mother went to as a girl.

The school is run by the comically evil Miss Maria Minchin (Eleanor Bron, a veteran actress hamming it up in this role). Miss Minchin is extremely strict, but treats Sara well because her father is rich. Sara is very popular among the girls because she's kind to everyone, both the bullies and unpopular girls alike, and because she tells wonderful stories. But when word of Captain Crewe's death (and the seizure of his financial assets) reaches Miss Minchin, she strips Sara of everything she owns and forces her to work as a servant girl alongside Becky, the Black servant that no one except Sara is kind to. 

Despite some troubling racial representation (there is a "magical Indian" gentleman who lives next door to the school, and Liam Cunningham also plays an Indian prince in Sara's stories), A Little Princess is overflowing with values you would want any child (or adult) to be exposed to, namely, the importance of giving to others. Sara Crewe (a bit too angelic to be believed) gives generously to everyone, even when she has nothing. One of the most heart-tugging scenes in the film is when Sara is forced to be a servant to Miss Minchin and is given some money on the street (since she looks poor) while running errands. She buys herself a delicious pastry with the coin, but then sees a mother and three young children begging. She gives them the pastry. *SOB*

But because she gives so generously, others give generously back to Sara in her darkest times...and, of course, the move has a happy ending (which I won't spoil here). Between gorgeous cinematography, an enchanting soundtrack, and some really excellent child acting, A Little Princess is a movie that both children and adults can enjoy and benefit from watching. 

Grade: A

***

The Secret Garden

1993's The Secret Garden is another childhood favorite of mine, and similar in many ways to A Little Princess (for one, they are both based on books written by Frances Hodgson Burnett). I loved the idea of living in an enormous, old mansion filled with rooms to explore. However, I didn't love the idea of having both your parents die when you're 12 years old.

That's what happens to Mary Lennox (Kate Maberly). She lives with her parents in India (again, the colonialism remains uncommented on and unexplored), but when they die in an earthquake, Mary is sent to live with her uncle at Misselthwaite Manor on the cold moors of Yorkshire, England. The housekeeper, Mrs. Medlock, is played brilliantly by Dame Maggie Smith in just a classic Maggie Smith role: Medlock is mean, cold, and prudish. She has no idea how to interact with children, let alone the spoiled and deeply traumatized Mary.

But when Mary is forced to play outside, day after day, she discovers a garden behind a locked door. She finds the key in her dead aunt's bedroom and explores the garden with Dickon, the brother of housemaid Martha. At the same time, Mary discovers she has a cousin, Colin Craven, a supposedly sick boy who is kept hidden away from everyone. Colin's mother fell off a swing while pregnant with him and Colin was born prematurely. Then, his mother died. Lord Craven (played by John Lynch) was so brokenhearted by the death of his wife, he refused to see his infant son, afraid he would also die and thus double Craven's suffering. But 12 years later, Colin is still alive...though he is convinced he'll die very soon.

With Mary's encouragement, Colin begins to embrace life. He eventually goes out in a wheelchair to the secret garden, which is blooming with flowers. He then learns to walk, having never left his bed in 12 years. 

Like A Little Princess, The Secret Garden has a gorgeous soundtrack and eye-popping cinematography. The only negative aspect of the film is that Mary and Colin are truly bratty. They order servants around, yell at each other, and throw tantrums. It makes sense, given that they are unloved and ignored, but it gets old after a while. Still, this is another great classic for both kids and adults. 

Grade: A-