Spooky Scary

Movies: Favorite scary movies

Hello, Dear Readers,

In honor of Halloween, I present to you a few of my favorite scary movies--with a convenient "scare-ometer" to gauge how frightening the films are. Enjoy!


Nosferatu (1922)

This silent German classic, directed by F.W. Murnau, depicts a vampire--Count Orlock--who is so iconic that he became the subject of an episode of 90's Nickelodeon TV show Are You Afraid of the Dark. Unlike the majority of portrayals of vampires on screen, Count Orlock is not sexy. Bald, with snow-white skin, long fingers, and rat-like teeth, Orlock has none of the seductive powers of Dracula. He is simply terrifying. Nosferatu was one of the first silent movies I ever saw, and though it may not be quite as frightening as some of the other films on this list, its images are forever seared in my brain.

 Scare-ometer: 2 out of 4 skulls


***

 Rosemary's Baby (1968)

The scariest thing about this 1968 film about a woman (Mia Farrow) carrying Satan's child isn't the plot--it's the fact that the director (Roman Polanski) once raped a teen girl and still received a standing ovation at the Oscars when he won Best Director for The Pianist. Womp.

Despite my repulsion at Polanski's crimes, I simply cannot ignore the suspense, dread, and artful storytelling of Rosemary's Baby. In short, this film gives me the creepy-crawlies no matter how many times I watch it. The sense of claustrophobia and dread as Rosemary creeps around her own New York City apartment, becoming more and more paranoid about her difficult pregnancy and the strange behavior of her husband, Guy, is suffocating. I find myself looking over my shoulder whenever I watch the movie. Another element I love about Rosemary's Baby is the "satanic panic" plot and Rosemary's quest to find answer about her strange, elderly neighbors through both research and--in one memorable scene--Scrabble tiles. Rosemary's Baby is not only a masterpiece of horror, it's a masterpiece of film in general.

Scare-ometer: 2.5 out of 4 skulls

***

Suspiria (1977) and Deep Red (1975)

Two films directed by Dario Argento--one about a coven of witches at a ballet school and the other about a series of bizarre murders--Suspiria and Deep Red are exemplary giallo films. Both of them are deeply unsettling and feature violent and imaginative deaths. They're just barely on the right side of campy/trashy horror. They're also really, really entertaining. For those with sensitive ears, be warned that Suspiria has a harsh score by prog rock band Goblin that sounds like hell and adds to the general feeling of discomfort while watching the film.

Scare-ometer: 
Suspiria: 3.5 out of 4 skulls
Deep Red: 3 out of 4 skulls

***


The Shining (1980)

Based on the book by a master of horror, and directed by a genius with an especial talent for cinematography both vibrant and clinical, The Shining is inevitably a creep-fest of the highest order. Although author Stephen King hated director Stanley Kubrick's interpretation of his novel, I personally feel that Kubrick brought the sheer insanity of King's writing (King was extremely fucked up on drugs when he wrote The Shining--and you can tell, especially when Jack Torrance starts going nuts) to the big screen perfectly. From the use of a child's perspective as Danny Torrance rolls down the hotel hallways on his Big Wheel, to the weird mixture of sexuality and horror in the scene where Jack finds a naked lady in room 237, there is something absolutely sinister about The Shining. I never get sick of watching it.

Scare-ometer: 3 our of 4 skulls

***

The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Like Rosemary's Baby, The Silence of the Lambs is a movie that no matter how many times I watch it, I never stop being freaked out by it. Clarice Starling's investigation into the kidnapping and murder of half a dozen young women leads her to some strange and horrifying places, such as an abandoned storage unit...and to Dr. Hannibal Lecter's prison cell. The Silence of the Lambs is not only good horror, it's a great film with two extremely solid performances at its center: Jodie Foster in a very pro-woman, feminist role as the strong, intelligent, almost foolishly brave Starling, and Anthony Hopkins as the psychopathic charmer Dr. Lecter. While the film's take on transgender individuals is, shall we say, a bit out-dated, Ted Levine's performance as killer Buffalo Bill makes me shudder to this day. It puts the lotion on its skin...

Scare-ometer: 3 out of 4 skulls

***

The Ring (2002)

The American remake of Ringu brought Japanese-style horror, with its long-haired, crawling ghosts, to the States. And it scared the ever-loving shit out of 16 year old me. I could barely sleep for a week after I watched it in the theatres with a couple friends. Between the heart-stopping opening sequence, that damn horse jumping off the ship, and the cursed film itself, The Ring has some images you won't soon forget. Almost everyone I know who has seen this film was fucking terrified of phones, televisions, and long-haired little girls afterward. The film's cinematography, based on the beautiful yet eerie paintings of Andrew Wyeth, make the viewer feel both scared and depressed. And the twist at the end ("You weren't supposed to help her.") which turns the "help a ghost to move on and it will leave you alone" trope on its head is genius.

Scare-ometer: 4 out of 4 skulls

***

The Descent (2005)

A couple movies on this list have elements of claustrophobia: Rosemary's apartment, The Overlook Hotel, etc. But nothing compares to the claustrophobic nightmare that is The Descent. Six women go spelunking--an activity the ladies have enjoyed doing together for years. After a passage in the cave collapses, one of the women admits that she led the group into an unexplored cave system--which is extremely dangerous. As the women try to figure out an alternative exit, their camaraderie breaks down. But the horror is only beginning. Various members of the group start seeing and hearing things around the cave. It becomes clear that they are not alone.

The Descent is not child's play. This is a scary fucking movie. It combines fear of being trapped, fear of monsters, and emotional trauma and doesn't let up. It also has a number of highly effective jump scenes. Watch at your own risk.

 Scare-ometer: 4 out of 4 skulls

***

Insidious (2010)

Directed by James Wan, Insidious has a really different premise. Patrick Wilson (who is amazing in everything and I want to have 10,000 of his babies) and Rose Byrne (she's cool too) play Josh and Renai Lambert, the young parents of Dalton and Foster Lambert. After Dalton takes a spill off a ladder, he ends up in a coma--a situation that would be any parent's worst nightmare. But it gets worse. As Dalton languishes, the Lambert's home seems to become infested with ghouls and bad vibes. The Lamberts hire a psychic who explains that Dalton is able to astral project onto another plane/dimension. His comatose body is serving as a bridge of sorts from the other dimension to this one, letting in all kinds of creepy, spooky things. Yeah, it sounds weird, but it somehow works in the movie. In order to save his son, Josh allows himself to be put in a trance so that he can also project to wherever his son has gone and bring him back. Although PG-13, Insidious is so scary, it *feels* like it should be rated R. It also has an infamous jump scene that practically made me shit myself. If you watch it, good luck...

Scare-ometer: 4 out of 4 skulls

***

The Conjuring (2013)

For the more sensitive movie-goer, The Conjuring (also directed by James Wan) is a gentler, more old fashioned scary movie. Based on the "true" story of the Perron family, the film takes place in 1971 and has fabulous costume and set design. Carolyn and Roger Perron (played wonderfully by Lili Taylor and Ron Livingston) and their 5 daughters move into a beautiful farm house, only to find that's it's just fucking lousy with ghosts. Ghosts out the wazoo, I tells ya! So after an increasing number of sleepless nights, Carolyn seeks out the help of Ed and Lorraine Warren (played by Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga, also great), ghost hunters who have devoted their lives to cleansing people's homes of spirits.

Although there are some truly original scares in The Conjuring (including the infamous "three claps" game), the film builds suspense by holding back instead of going for dozens of cheap jump scares. I mentioned above that the movie has an old fashioned feeling to it, and not just because it's a period film. It reminded me of the more suspenseful, less gory scary movies of the 60's and 70's. It was also the movie that brought me back to horror after years of avoiding scary movies completely (thanks to the trauma I suffered by watching The Ring). So if you're looking for a chilling movie that isn't *quite* as intense, The Conjuring is a good one to check out.

Scare-ometer: 3.5 out of 4 skulls

***

It Follows (2014)

It Follows, directed by David Robert Mitchell, also has a retro feel--partially because of its awesome synth score. It's a movie I would describe as singular and unique. The monster at the center of the film can take the shape of any person--an old woman, a tall man, a close friend. And the monster doesn't run at you or jump out at you from the bushes--it simply walks directly at you at a steady pace. This monster, or demon, or whatever it is, is passed from one victim to the next through sexual activity. Once you're "infected", it will find you and kill you--unless you have sex with the next person and pass it to them. But beware, if the person you pass it to is killed by this thing, the curse reverts back to you.

The rules of this film sound both complicated and goofy when I try to lay them out in words. Director Mitchell avoids goofiness by only giving the characters (and thus, the viewer) a tiny bit of information at a time--they're just as confused about this thing as we are, and our questions ("Can you kill this thing by shooting it?") are explored and answered over the course of the film. Beware though--if you like your movies wrapped up in a nice, explanatory bow at the end, It Follows may not be for you.

Scare-ometer: 3.5 out of 4 skulls

***

So there you have it--some of my favorite scary movies. There are many more, of course (The Babadook, Audition, You're Next, and Bram Stoker's Dracula are a few "honorable mentions" for this list), but the above films are ones that are not only excellent, terrifying scary movies, but great films the stand on their own outside of the horror genre.

Happy Halloween!

He Blinded Me With SCIENCE

Movies: The Martian

Ridley Scott's The Martian (based on Andy Weir's bestselling novel, which I have not read), requires a good amount of suspension of disbelief. But if you're willing to suspend that disbelief, you're in for an optimistic, pro-humanity, pro-science treat. And the ride is definitely worth it.
The Martian takes place in the not-too-distant future. The United States makes regular trips to Mars, and during one particular mission, a team of astronauts (lead by Jessica Chastain) is forced to evacuate the planet because of an intense storm. Their colleague, Mark Wattney (Matt Damon), is hit with debris during the storm and the team can't rescue him. They assume he's dead and take off without him...

...but he's not dead. Wattney comes to, realizing that a piece of debris that punctured him also plugged what would have been a deadly hole in his spacesuit. He makes it back to the team's base camp before his oxygen runs out. But even though he has survived the storm, he is basically living on borrowed time. He calculates that it will be 4 years until the next group of astronauts arrive...and he can only stretch his food supplies for about a year.

Not one to give up easily, Wattney decides to "science the shit" out of his hopeless situation. He keeps a video diary of his attempts (and successes!) to grow food on the desolate planet and rejigger a moon buggy so that he can drive it to where he is supposed to "meet" the next mission to Mars. Damon plays Wattney with a jokey, friendly looseness. He's relaxed and calm in the face of almost certain death. I enjoyed Damon's performance, although it was a bit too similar to George Clooney's performance in Gravity: a handsome astronaut who jokes and flirts with Sandra Bullock even as he is literally drifting into space to die. Like Clooney, Damon could have used a few more moments of humanity. I would have liked to see a good, snot-nosed, weeping and gnashing of teeth scene in addition to his scenes of being a cool, science-nerd badass.

Meanwhile on Earth, NASA realizes that Wattney is still alive collectively brainstorms ways to get a rescue mission to him before he starves. This is where we have to suspend our disbelief--would NASA really spend millions (or billions) or dollars and months/years of time to rescue one man? Or would they simply cover up their mistake and let Wattney die--with no citizens the wiser about what happened? The skeptical side of me says there's no way in hell they'd try to rescue this guy. But The Martian isn't about the *real* world, it's about the *ideal* world.

The Martian envisions a United States that values collaboration, ingenuity, and science. A US that laughs in the face of danger while it grows potatoes from its own shit on planet Mars. It's a story that the US likes to tell about itself, but rarely (though certainly we've had our moments as a country) puts its money where its mouth is. We say that we're smart, we're brave, and we value human life--where, actually, we have politicians that don't believe in climate change or vaccines and we are careless not just with human life around the world, but the very humans living within our borders.

The Martian gives us a beautiful, hopeful glimpse of what we could be, as a nation, if we were "our best selves" as many a pop guru puts it. And I admire the film for that.

This is a film Americans need right now. A story about how logic and intelligence can solve problems. We've become increasing skeptical of science and intellectualism over the past couple decades, and it's a real shame. Of course, yes, there have always been folks skeptical of science or who lean too heavily on faith and misinformation. But as someone who works in education, it saddens me that some people now see ignorance as a badge of honor, or who dig in their heels to their false beliefs when presented with accurate facts.

The Martian, while not a perfect movie, is a film that proudly proclaims that it's cool to be smart and dares to believe that if we all put our heads together, we can achieve anything.

Grade: B

Short Takes

Movies: The Skeleton Twins, Obvious Child, Enemy, Sleeping Beauty, Going Clear

To paraphrase John Oliver on Last Week Tonight: just time for a quick recap of these movies I've seen recently

The Skeleton Twins

As far as I'm concerned, low-key dramedy The Skeleton Twins serves one major purpose: to highlight Bill Hader's gifts as an actor. Between his role here as depressed, gay, 30-something Milo and his role as the romantic lead in Trainwreck, Hader is killing it in his post-Saturday Night Live career.


As Milo attempts suicide in the opening scene, his estranged twin sister Maggie (Kristen Wiig, not very impressive in this role) is also contemplating suicide miles away. As she stares down at a handful of pills, she's get a phone call informing her that her brother is in the hospital. The twins are thrown back into each others' lives and gradually realize that maybe a lot of their problems in life have been caused by their estrangement.

Luke Wilson costars as Maggie's extremely nice doofus of a husband, and he's great in the role, but The Skeleton Twins is ultimately Hader's show.

Grade: B

***

Obvious Child

Obvious Child isn't all that different from The Skeleton Twins in its low-key, slice-of-life plot, only where Twins begins with a suicide attempt, Child ends with an abortion. Starring comedian Jenny Slate, Obvious Child has been called the 'abortion rom-com', but that's a bit of a misnomer since the abortion doesn't play a huge role in the film--it happens at the end, almost as an afterthought, which is precisely the intention of the filmmakers; i.e. to present a woman getting an abortion as NDB.

Slate plays Donna, whose boyfriend of many years dumps her. She goes to a bar and has drunken rebound sex with a random dude named Max (like ya do) who turns out to be a really nice person who actually wants to date her. Most of the movie is Max (Jake Lacey) trying to convince Donna to go out with him. Oh, she also gets preggers from that hook-up, which complicates matter.

I liked Obvious Child a lot, but it wasn't quite as good as I had been promised by the feminist blog-o-sphere. I think they were just happy to see abortion portrayed as not an insane tragedy. And it does in fact accomplish that goal.

Grade: B



***

Enemy

Ugh. The Redbox description of director Denis Villeneuve's film Enemy calls it an "erotic thriller". I wish! Instead, this arthouse film, starring Jake Gyllenhaal (the sole reason I rented it) is an abstruse, confusing mess. Gyllenhaal plays a college professor who winds up meeting a man who looks exactly like him (also played by Gyllenhaal). He attempts to unravel the mystery: are they twins separated at birth? Two versions of the same man living in alternate universes? Beats me. We never get a straight answer and it's very annoying. This is the second film of Villeneuve's I've seen and not enjoyed (I wasn't crazy about Prisoners).

Grade: C-

***

Sleeping Beauty

This ain't your grandmother's fairy tale. Sleeping Beauty (2011) stars waifish Emily Browning as cash-strapped college student Lucy who takes a job providing erotic companionship to rich, old men. No, she's not a prostitute--she never has sex with these men. Instead, Lucy allows herself to be drugged into a deep sleep and then put into a bed where these old pervs can come in and do almost anything they want to except penetrate her or leave marks.

The film, directed by author Julia Leigh is very beautiful, but only "erotic" in the way films like Belle de Jour and Eyes Wide Shut are. That is to say, not at all. There's no heat, only chill. One assumes that there's a deeper point the director is trying to make here--perhaps that men prefer women young, beautiful, and comatose--but when the movie is over you may scratch your head and say "what was the point?"

Grade: B-

***

Going Clear: Scientology and the Prison of Belief

Directed by Alex Gibney and based on the thoroughly researched book by Lawrence Wring, Going Clear takes a deep dive into Scientology: what it is, what its followers believe, how it started, and what convinces people to stay in it. Gibney and Wright take a firm stance against Scientology, particularly for its abusive tactics (especially towards "Sea Org", aka the closest thing Scientology has to a clergy) and extreme wealth hoarding (since it's technically a "religion", Scientology churches are tax exempt).

The best part of Going Clear are the candid interviews with former members, such as director Paul Haggis. Their willingness to be forthright to the point of admitting that they were sucked into a cult gives the film both its emotional heart (Haggis left in part because Scientology is still pretty anti-gay and he has two gay daughters) and its credibility.

Beware: watching Going Clear will make you question your own religion, political, and social beliefs in that you'll start to see group think patterns (in less extreme forms than in Scientology) everywhere.

Grade: A

Underage Boinking

Movies: The Diary of a Teenage Girl

I had sex today. Holy shit.

So begins the magical, confrontational, uncomfortable film The Diary of a Teenage Girl. Based on the graphic novel by Phoebe Gloeckner, who also wrote the screenplay, Diary is a funny and unflinching glimpse into the mind of 15 year old Minnie Goetze (Bel Powley) who is equal parts horny, emotional, and whip smart. Growing up in 1976 San Francisco and being raised by a single mom who is *really* into partying (Kristen Wiig), Minnie has ample opportunity to explore her sexuality and her interest in comics and art...but she chooses to explore the former with Mom's 35 year old boyfriend, Monroe (Alexander Skarsgaard).

This is where Diary presents a challenge: Minnie's coming of age (which includes more than her sexual awakening, btw) is shown primarily through the lens of her ongoing sexual relationship with a man 20 years her senior. The filmmakers handle this relationship in the most balanced, honest way possible: they make it clear that it is as consensual as possible, with Minnie excited by sex with Monroe, but they also make it clear how manipulative and unequal it is, with Monroe turning his own guilt back on Minnie, saying that she's manipulating him. The filmmakers never excuse Monroe's actions or suggest that because Minnie has fully developed secondary sex characteristics she's not really a child. By examining Minnie's inner-world, which is much like an other 15 year old's--she makes many poorly thought out choices, but also has moments of wisdom and is often sharper and more clear-eyed than the adults around her--the film encourage us to understand and empathize with her relationship with Monroe while not thinking that it's totally ok.

Let me first say that the acting is incredible in The Diary of a Teenage Girl. Bel Powley, who is 23, plays the 15 year old Minnie as a girl who is becoming aware of her own power in the world. Her physical features are striking: a curtain of long, black hair; huge eyes; a lovely figure--and the film lingers on her body in a way that doesn't feel exploitative (perhaps because there is a female director behind the camera?) but feels...knowing. Minnie spends some time looking at her naked breasts in the mirror and contemplating her body. She feels fat, but she also feels sexy. I'd argue that this war of emotions over how to view our bodies is something every woman (can't speak for men, sorry) is familiar with.

Alexander Skarsgaard plays Monroe perfectly--he may be 35, but he's about as emotionally mature as Minnie herself. He's basically a really cute man-baby, so it's easy to see why Minnie would like him. It takes guts to play someone who fucks an underage person, and  it takes talent to play them well--not as a total monster, but certainly not in a way that excuses his actions--so hats off to Skarsgaard. I can't really imagine anyone else in this role.

A subplot in Diary is Minnie's growing interest in comics and comic art. Living in San Francisco in the late 70's, she has opportunities to explore the world of underground comics (including sending Aline Kominsky some of her comics and getting encouragement back). The film incorporates graphic art, with scenes that fluidly move in and out of animation.

The Diary of a Teenage Girl shows a young woman exploring the boundaries of her sexuality and coming out the other side alive and better for it. This will disturb viewers who would prefer to think of teen girls as sexless and innocent. I can assure you--you're living in a dream world if you believe that. When I was 15, I was the ultimate "good girl"--no drinking, no drugs, and certainly no sex. But sex took up about 75% of my brain space. Like Minnie, I was both intellectually precocious and emotionally all over the place. That's the thing about 15 year olds that can be disturbing to adults: we might *look* like we're ready for the shit the world throws at us, but our brains haven't yet caught up to our bodies. The Diary of a Teenage Girl captures this paradox: humans at the peak of hormones and sexual desire who are still a little too young and inexperienced to know the full consequences of their actions. But instead of condemning or belittling the awakening a 15 year old girl might go through, Diary treats it as important and meaningful.

Grade: A

Bridget Jones' Diaphragm

Movies: Trainwreck

Judd Apatow is the director of The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, This is 40, and, most recently, the Amy Schumer-penned comedy Trainwreck. If you've seen Apatow's movies (including the ones he's written and produced), you may have noticed that they tend to have a vein of conservatism and traditional values running through them. Mostly, this works--for example, The 40-Year-Old Virgin had the perfect mixture of vulgar humor and sweet romance. Sometimes, however, I give his movies the ol' side-eye. In Knocked Up, a film about a pregnancy resulting from a one-night stand, those who recommend abortion as a solution are presented as cruel and shallow. (If you think that abortion would be a terrible element to add to a romantic comedy, please see the wonderful Obvious Child).

Likewise, Trainwreck has some oddly conservative moments. But luckily, with Amy Schumer's script, the film finds that sweet spot of edgy and vulnerable humor.

There is no comedian who I feel captures my view of the world quite like Amy Schumer. Her humor is extremely sexual, but in a clever way. She's self-deprecating, but with a wink that lets us know she actually likes herself (I think. I hope.) She's a feminist, but a flawed one. She's gotten some shit for her early years working her way up through the male-dominated world of comedy by being "one of the guys". She's also gotten shit for the occasional racist joke in her repertoire. But faced with that criticism, she's responded not by becoming defensive or by doubling-down on the troubling jokes, but by evolving into more sly and knowing humor.

The point is, I fucking love Amy Schumer. And Trainwreck is a great showcase for her gifts.

Trainwreck is strongly autobiographical. Schumer plays Amy, with a sister named Kim, and a father who suffers from Multiple sclerosis whom she loves deeply. The real life Schumer also has a sister named Kim and a father who had MS. Unlike many other romantic sex comedies, family figures largely into Trainwreck, and not in an annoying "rapping granny" kind of way, but in a relatable, realistic way. One of the main subplots involves Amy and Kim arguing about moving their dad to a cheaper nursing home. Amy may sleep around, get blackout drunk, and smoke pot to escape anxiety, but she's a deeply caring daughter.

The main plot is, of course, about a commitment-phobic, 30-something woman who has to re-evaluate her life choices and beliefs about monogamy when she meets a really great guy, Aaron Conners (Bill Hader, fucking wonderful and perfect here). Amy works at "Snuff" magazine, a men's mag that runs articles about how semen tastes if a guy eats a lot of garlic and how to score a threesome. Amy's boss (played by an unrecognizable Tilda Swinton, with a tan and long hair!) is a devil wears Prada type ice queen who assigns Amy to interview Conners, a sports doctor to the stars. As Aaron and Amy get to know each other, it's clear that they're a great match. But with Amy's skepticism of commitment and serious fear of being rejected, she is constantly waiting for the ball to drop, which messes with their relationship.

There is a whiff of wish fulfillment here: a perfect guy--he's got money, a fabulous job, he's mature, he's terribly kind and understanding--being totally committed to an immature, emotionally messy, kind of mean woman. But at the same time, haven't we seen a ton of movies where some pot-smoking  man-boy gets the hot, perfect chick? (see Knocked Up). If we're willing to believe that kind of match can work out, we need to believe in this match, with the genders reversed. Well, we don't need to, but it's only fair to to give it equal weight. Some people get mad when "feminism" includes letting women be fucked up and vulgar. But I say fuck that! Feminism IS about not expecting perfection from women. And if you think women are morally better than men, well fuck you. They aren't.

Can you tell I'm a bit defensive of Trainwreck? Bitch Magazine ran some online articles criticizing Trainwreck for its casually racist jokes, and, indeed, there are some real clunkers in there (such as when Vanessa Bayer, Amy's work friend, tells a sexy, black, male nurse that she "dated a black guy in high school...and would do it again"). But when they criticized Amy's SPOILER ALERT --

tearful eulogy at her dad's funeral, where she admits that he was a racist, heavy-drinker asshole, as well as a loving father and hilarious friend. Well, Bitch can go fuck itself*. That's literally what every person who has ever lived is: a mix of good and bad traits. I think that scene was deeply emotional, for Amy Schumer as well as the audience. To have the guts to stand up and tell the world that your dead parent wasn't close to perfect, but you loved them anyway. It's beautiful.

/end spoiler

This is why I loved Trainwreck so much. It wasn't 100% raunchy sex comedy (although there is plenty of that, and I loved it). It also is about some real shit.

If you are not watching Amy Schumer's TV show, Inside Amy Schumer, then go seek it out immediately. Not only is it hilarious, it--like Trainwreck--is about real life shit. It's feminist without being a Buzz Killington. It's raunchy without being dumb. Schumer is clever, subversive, and relatable. And she makes the world a slightly better place to live.

Grade: A-

* Bitch is actually an excellent magazine/website that exists specifically to examine pop culture through a feminist lens and offer criticism. I don't always agree with their articles, but I read it religiously and promote it 100%.

Ghosts of the Past

Movies: The Gift

When I first saw a preview for The Gift, I thought "Man, that looks like a piece of shit." Well, 93% on Rotten Tomatoes later, here I am eating my words.

The Gift is the directorial debut of chameleon-like actor Joel Edgerton, and it proves to be a taut and twisty thriller. It has some flaws, which I will go into detail about at the bottom of this entry in a spoiler area. If you want to go into the film knowing nothing (which I recommend), rest assured that it's quality entertainment. It's not exactly The Godfather, but it's a really fun movie.

The film stars Jason Bateman and Rebecca Hall as a married couple who move from Chicago to California (where Bateman's character, Simon, grew up) and get one of those mid-century homes that has a lot of giant windows and glass. Well, you can tell right away that living in a fucking glass house won't lead to anything good. Simon works at some kind of fancy technology company and makes a boatload of money. His wife, Robyn, is an interior designer who works from home and tries to maintain a stress-free lifestyle since she and Simon want to conceive and it becomes clear they had trouble doing so in Chicago.

At a home goods store, the couple runs into Gordon ("Gordo") Moseley (played by Edgerton), who knew Simon in high school. Simon doesn't recognize him at first, but then remembers him and some pleasantries are exchanged and a promise to get together for dinner is made. If Gordo was a normal person, he would probably never follow up and Simon and Robyn would never see the dude again. But Gordo's a bit of a socially-awkward weirdo (his high school nickname was the rather uncreative "Gordo the Weirdo") and he starts sending the couple very nice gifts and showing up at the house while Simon's at work. Robyn eventually invites him to dinner, where Gordo talks about how the bad things in life can be a gift and won't shut up about his and Simon's high school and the people they knew there. Simon is, unsurprisingly, weirded out. Especially when Gordo continues to contact the couple.

Well, because this is a psychological thriller, you know from the get-go that there's more to the story about Simon and Gordo's high school years. I'll reveal more info below, after a spoiler warning. But one thing I want to mention is that Rebecca Hall's character really gets to shine in the second half of the film when she starts exploring what's really going on with her husband and this Gordo character. The Gift easily shifts from Single White Female to Rosemary's Baby when Robyn starts doubting what Simon tells her about Gordo.

Spoilers below








It's probably no surprise, but Simon was a bully in high school who made up a rumor about Gordo that literally destroyed Gordo's life. Because of the rumor, Gordon was bullied, beat up, pulled out of his high school, and suffered violent wrath from his father. He went on to join the military, only to be discharged, and generally became a fuck up in his adult life.

What's great is how perfectly Jason Bateman plays this role. For the first half of the movie, you're 100% on his side, even when he makes fun of Gordo to his wife. When he confronts Gordo and essentially "breaks up" with him, you think "Yeah, this Simon guy is a strong, forthright man. He's mature. He's an adult." But when Robyn learns about his past and confronts him, he believably morphs right back into a bully: treating her like a child who needs to mind her own business, being completely unrepentant in his torment of Gordo, etc. Bateman plays an asshole so well!

The biggest flaw in this film is the big twist at the end (of course there's a big twist at the end). Not only is it over the top and melodramatic, it also effectively disempowers Robyn, turning her into a plot device to further the story of the two men--Gordo and Simon. Up until the very end, The Gift is a quality thriller that plays with the idea of right and wrong really well. But the end, and Simon's comeuppance, turns the film into a slightly ridiculous Greek tragedy.

End spoilers

Despite its flaws, The Gift is a very entertaining film. Probably nothing you'll watch twice, but a fun night at the movies. All the main actors, particularly Jason Bateman, do a wonderful job of creating and then upending audience expectations.

Grade: B+

Female Trouble

Books: Dietland, The Girl on the Train

Sarai Walker's Dietland and Paula Hawkins' The Girl on the Train feature difficult heroines who start off weak and gradually gain strength throughout their respective stories.

In Dietland we follow Plum Kettle, a woman of about 30 who weighs 300 pounds. Plum has been overweight her whole life and copes by ignoring the stares and rude comments of strangers, obsessively dieting, and fixing her hopes on the life she will have after she undergoes gastric bypass surgery and becomes the "real", thin version of herself. After circumstances throw her into the path of Verena Baptist, the daughter of Eulayla Baptist, a woman famed for creating the "Baptist diet plan", Plum stars to rethink her entire approach to life. Verena, who rejected her mother's fraudulent and unsafe diet empire, promises to give Plum a check for $20,000--to use on the surgery, or anything else--if Plum follows Verena's "new Baptist plan", which includes standing up to strangers who stare at her and buying attractive clothes that fit her.

This description of Dietland probably makes the book sound like it's a feel-good beach read about accepting one's body. It's not. The last thing it is is touch-y, feel-y. There is a secondary plot that involves what can only be described as a feminist terrorist group that goes by the name "Jennifer" (because the name is so common--it could be "any woman in your life"). This group does things like kidnap rapists, torture them for months, and then drop their bodies out of airplanes. They blackmail British tabloids into replacing images of nude or scantily-clad women with images nude, aroused men. They kidnap an imam and, on television, force him to tell the men of his religion to pour acid into their eyes rather than force women to cover their heads and bodies. You get the picture.

 As "Jennifer's" antics escalate, Plum is taken under the wing of a group of women (including Verena) who make up Calliope House--a feminist collective dedicated to creativity and helping other women. Plum gets angrier and more aggressive as the story progresses. She gets herself in dangerous confrontations with men who call her a "fat bitch". She starts stealing.

While the story is about Plum's transformation from beaten-down fat girl who loathes herself to a freer woman who can walk the streets unashamed, there is still a heavy note of sadness weighing down this novel. Plum finds her chosen family in the women of Calliope House, but she doesn't find acceptance in the world at large. In fact, Plum's self-acceptance does not arise in spite of the world's hatred of her body, but because of it. By being 300 pounds, Plum figures that she gets to see people's true selves: if she were skinny, people who treat her decently while treating fat women like the scum of the earth. Plum finds that she would rather be fat and hated that well-liked by the very people who get their jollies by humiliating fat people. It's a dark--if very truthful--thesis to a difficult, entertaining, complicated book. Also of note: men barely exist in Dietland except to humiliate or reject Plum. While she finds her band of sisters, there are no men who also reach enlightenment. It's a very separatist perspective, and one I don't entirely buy into.

Likewise, The Girl on the Train features an absolute mess of a heroine. Rachel is in her early-thirties, divorced, overweight, alcoholic, and just incredibly sad and lacking in personal direction. As she rides the train every morning and evening, she makes up a story about the lives of a beautiful couple whose house she can see from the train--she dubs them "Jess" and "Jason". But then one day she sees an indiscretion that explodes her perfect view of the couple and she begins an obsessive--and dangerous--investigation to find out what's really going on. Her sleuthing is complicated by the fact that she has a tendency to black out for hours at a time when she's drinking.


The Girl on the Train has been compared to Gillian Flynn's Gone Girl for obvious reasons: they both tell the same story from multiple perspectives, they both have unreliable (and "unlikeable" protagonists), they both involve themes of betrayal, violence, and the dark side of marriage. I personally think Gone Girl is the better book--it's sharper, better written. The Girl on the Train gets a bit repetitive after a while, and Rachel is bland and gray compared to the acidic glow of Gone Girl's Amy Dunne. But The Girl on the Train is highly entertaining and genuinely keeps you guessing. It doesn't reveal all the cards until the very end. It's also very realistic in its portrayal of alcoholism. Author Hawkins isn't afraid to have Rachel vomit, piss herself, cry, fuck up over and over. You never hate her, but you seriously pity her--which is worse, in some ways. Hawkins has big, brass ovaries for never turning Rachel's alcohol problem into something sexy and glamorous. Unlike other hard-boiled fiction with detectives or PIs who keep a bottle of rye along with a handgun on them at all times, this amateur investigator's antics are very sad and unsexy to read about.

Neither Dietland nor The Girl on the Train hit the sweet spot 100% of the time for me, but they're both really good, solid reads. Dietland is especially fascinating in its uncompromising anger at a society that treats women's bodies like public property, to be jeered at, or jacked off to, depending on how "hot" said body is. It was a cathartic book, if nothing else. The Girl on the Train is the perfect read for, well, a train ride (or plane or car ride). It sucks you in and leaves you turning pages for hours. So although neither book is perfect, they're both worth your time.

Dietland: B+

The Girl on the Train: B