Woman on the Verge

Movies: The Girl on the Train

Last summer I reviewed Paula Hawkins' best-selling novel The Girl on the Train and said that while I appreciated that Hawkins allowed her female characters to be incredibly unlikeable, and never glamorized alcoholism (alcoholism plays a central role in the film and the book), The Girl on the Train is no Gone Girl. I get that books and movies should be judged on their own merits and not in comparison to other books and movies,  but it's really hard to separate The Girl on the Train from Gone Girl since the two are both wildly popular crime/mystery novels with unreliable narrators, flawed protagonists, deep undercurrents of misogyny and violence, and...well, they both have "girl" in the title.

Be it book or movie, The Girl on the Train wilts in comparison to the superior Gone Girl.

The Girl on the Train follows Rachel Watson (Emily Blunt, an elegant actress who does a great job playing vulnerable and pathetic), an out of work, alcoholic, divorced 30-something basically living out every woman's worst nightmare: she is an object of pity. She is unwanted, not sexy, lonely. And she is unraveling. Even though she lost her job a year before, she still takes the train into New York City every day, spying on the house she used to share with her husband, Tom (Justin Theroux, sexy as hell), who still lives there with his new wife, Anna (Rebecca Ferguson), and their infant daughter.

Consumed with sadness and envy, Rachel also spies on Tom and Anna's sexy, young next door neighbors--she fantasizes that this couple have everything she lost: true, real love. A happy home. A strong bond. So when she sees the female half of the couple kissing another man, it enrages her. She proceeds to get black out drunk at the train station and runs off to confront the woman. She wakes up covered in blood and vomit, with no memory of what happened. When she sees that the young woman, Megan Hipwell (Haley Bennett), has gone missing, Rachel wonders if she saw something that night. Or worse, did something.


The film switches points of view between Rachel, Anna, and Megan. All three women seem to match up with a stereotype of womanhood: Anna is the perfect, beautiful mother who has it all: happy baby, sexy husband, nice home. Megan is the sultry (slutty?) young woman with a talent for using her feminine wiles to manipulate men. And Rachel is the sad loser no man would want. Hollywood apparently didn't have the balls to take Rachel's portrayal in the book the whole nine yards: in the novel, she is overweight in addition to being an alcoholic. While Emily Blunt slums it a bit, she's nowhere near being fat.

You'll notice that all of these women's personalities and dreams require men to be in the picture. Anna is wanted by a man for her beauty and stability; Megan is wanted for her sexuality, but easily discarded after being used. And Rachel isn't wanted by men at all. I believe Hawkins was attempting to subvert these stereotypes in her book, but in my opinion she didn't subvert them enough.

In the end, of course, it's the men in their lives that drive these women insane. It's men--not other women--who hurt them and play them against one another. Who become jealous when they interact with other men. All three women in the book/movie might be flawed, but it's the men who are destructive.

Both the film and the book seem to want to say something deep about relationships and gender roles, but struggle amidst the massive amount of plot going on. With a constantly shifting point of view, flashbacks, unreliable narrators, an numerous twists, turns, and surprises, The Girl on the Train feels overstuffed and pulpy. What I liked about Gone Girl was that it was so ruthlessly, relentlessly bitter. Gone Girl had some inconsistencies and flaws as well, but it was more focused. The Girl on the Train, much like its protagonist Rachel, is sloppy and all over the place: it hits some of the notes and misses many others.

Still, when the final confrontation happens, the visceral thrill of seeing a beaten down woman fight back is as heady as anything. Most viewers will guess what happened to Megan Hipwell long before the final reveal, but the final scenes are still very good (if, again, pulpy).

The Girl on the Train, like the book it's based on, isn't a masterpiece. But it's not bad either. It's a good popcorn flick for a grey, rainy day. Just maybe don't watch it with your boyfriend or husband.

Grade: C+

Movie Dump, pt. 3

Movies: Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, Knock Knock, Holy Hell


Yes, another batch of movie reviews. But if you're into full-length reviews, fear not--I'm seeing The Girl on the Train and The Birth of a Nation later this week and will give them each their own blog entry.



***

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children

Based on the novel by Ransom Riggs (which I have not read), Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children is an entertaining, yet forgettable fantasy film with beautiful visuals and a confusing, overstuffed plot

Directed by Tim Burton, Miss Peregrine is a step up from some of the director's more recent fare, such as the Alice in Wonderland movies, but it's also not among (or even close to) his best work. At his best, Burton uses his signature quirky storytelling style to help audiences connect emotionally to the characters in his film--think of innocent, yet scary-looking Edward Scissorhands trying to fit into a candy colored suburb, or endlessly optimistic Ed Wood getting his awful movies produced. More recently, Burton used some restraint in his movie Big Eyes and the result was the heartfelt story of a female artist manipulated by her domineering husband. Burton knows how to tell a story and get audiences to care. He has proven it time and again.

At his worst, however, his movies forsake plot and nuance for wacky visuals and cartoonish characters (see: both Alice in Wonderland films). Miss Peregrine is only barely on the "right" side. Visuals are valued above all else, and what visuals they are! In Miss Peregrine, teenager Jake (Asa Butterfield) honors his grandfather's dying words to find Miss Peregrine, the woman who ran the home for children that Jake's grandfather grew up in. According to stories his grandpa told Jake as a child, Miss Peregrine had the power to turn into a bird, and all the children she watched over were "peculiars"--they all had abilities or quirks, such as the girl who was lighter than air and had to wear lead shoes to keep from floating away, or the boy with a hive of bees living in his stomach.

Jake and his disinterested father (Chris O'Dowd in a thankless role) head to the Welsh island where the grandfather grew up. Jake finds Miss Peregrine's home--it's a pile of rubble since the Germans dropped a bomb right on it in 1943. But when he explores the shell of the house, he runs into the peculiars who lure him through a passage and into a "loop"--basically, they live the same say--Sept. 3rd, 1943--over and over, setting back time right before the bomb lands on the house.

From here, the movie brings together a mishmash of fantastical themes: time loops (one can't help compare certain scenes in the movie to Groundhog Day), children with supernatural abilities, evil scientists, and grotesque monsters. While the film is enjoyable enough, it's difficult to 1) follow the plot, especially when the gang of peculiars starts traveling to *different* time loops and 2) really care about any of the characters. There are any number of relationships to be explored in this film: Jake and his beloved grandfather, Jake and his barely-giving-a-shit dad, Jake and his peculiar love interest. But there's not enough time or space in the movie to truly explore these relationships. Too much plot gets in the way.

I can't compare the movie to the book, as I haven't read the book...but books are able to juggle multiple themes over the course of hundreds of pages. In directing a movie adaptation of Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children, Burton may have bitten off more than he (or the audience) could chew.

Grade: C

***

Knock Knock

The Eli Roth film Knock Knock is garbage, plain and simple. It's really just an awful movie on so many levels.

In Knock Knock, Keanu Reeves plays Evan, a 40-something married man with a lovely wife and two adorable children. The artistic family--Evan is an architect and his wife, Karen, is a sculptor--live in a fancy home filled with art, music, and love. But when Karen takes the kids on a beach trip and leaves dad at home for the weekend, temptation strikes.

By temptation, I mean two scantily clad young women, Genesis (Lorenza Izzo) and Bel (Ana de Armas), who knock on Evan's door and beg to be let in from the thunderstorm outside and to use his phone to call an Uber. The two young ladies become increasingly flirtatious with Evan, who behaves like a complete gentleman--avoiding the ladies' flirtatious caresses, turning his head away from their nubile bodies, etc.

Ultimately, the two women practically force themselves on Evan, who succumbs to temptation and has a threesome with them. But what's super gross about all this is that Evan is literally saying "No! Stop!" over and over while Bel and Genesis shove their hands down his pants. What is this, dear readers? The correct answer is, of course, sexual assault. But the movie doesn't see it that way. Instead of presenting the women as fucking rapists, they're presented as naughty nymphs sent to tempt a happily married man. Sure, eventually Evan "participates", but only after saying "no" eleventy-billion times.

When the women don't leave the next day, Evan begins to realize he really is fucked. I won't reveals what happens after the first act of the film, but long story short: Genesis and Bel are psychos hell-bent on destroying this man's life for no reason other than their own amusement. It's misogynist trash that suggests that women--especially young, beautiful women--are crazy bitches who just can't want to destroy men. And men, of course, are totally innocent and weak in the face of feminine wiles.

Knock Knock is labeled as "erotic horror". That's a fucking laugh. There is nothing erotic about this movie, or the women who are INCREDIBLY annoying. Sure, they have nice bodies, but OH MY GOD they are awful in every other way.

My advice is to read the wikipedia article on Knock Knock is you want to know what fate befalls Evan. Don't bother watching the movie, which is an insulting waste of time.

Grade: D+

***

Holy Hell

Yes, it's another cult movie! Unlike The Invitation and The Sacrament, which I reviewed recently, Holy Hell is a documentary about a real life cult. Director Will Allen was in the Buddhafield cult for 22 years before he left (along with many others who had been in the cult since the 1980s) in the mid-2000s.

Led by a bizarre and charismatic man, Michel Rostand, the Buddhafield started out as more of a hippy-dippy commune where young people lived together, worked together, and by all accounts lived happy, healthy lives. Allen interviews a number of ex-cult members who recall wonderful friendships and experiences that came out of being part of Buddhafield.

But as the years went on, Michel, the leader of the cult who claimed to have a direct connection to God (don't they all?), became more and more narcissistic and strange. It became less about searching for God and looking inward and more about worshipping Michel, who was obsessed with his own beauty and ego (he underwent so much plastic surgery he began to look flat-out scary). The ex-cult members recall feeling angry and dissatisfied but unable to leave. Indeed, it was as if Michel was in an abusive, co-dependent relationship with all of them.

The big reveal, which isn't really a surprise if you know anything about cults (or hierarchical religion, for that matter), is that Michel was raping/sexually abusing dozens of the young men in the group for years. They would come to him for "therapy" sessions, he would fuck them against their will (Who can say "no" to a living god, which Michel believed he was), and then make them pay for the sessions. An interview with one of the ex-cult members is particularly distressing as he bitterly recalls being forcibly fucked by Michel weekly for 5 years.

What makes Holy Hell unique is that many of the members ended up leaving the cult (although Michel is still out there with a gang of followers) and now can look back with sober clarity at the years they wasted following a rapist and a fraud. The members, now in their 50s and 60s struggle to find meaning in the two decades they spent in the Buddhafield and realize that their friendships with other members gave meaning to those decades. Allen directs Holy Hell with sensitivity and understanding--he, too, believed in Michel and was raped by Michel. The ex-cult members are not portrayed as foolish weaklings or crazy people, but as complex human beings who see both the positive and negative in their experience with Buddhafield. Although many of them ended up traumatized by the emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse, Holy Hell shows that many of them are now on a path of healing and acceptance.

Grade: B

Movie Dump, pt. 2

Movies: Bernie, In Bruges, The Sacrament

Here's part two of my Netflix bonanza.


Bernie

Plot spoilers!

I can't believe I didn't watch this movie sooner. Directed by Richard Linklater, Bernie is, well, just about the most delightful film you'll watch about a guy who shoots a little old lady in the back.

Based on a true story, Jack Black plays Bernhardt Tiede, an assistant funeral director from Carthage, Texas. Bernie is one of the most popular men in his small community and beloved by everyone. He sings at the church, participates in community theatre, and as the assistant director of the Leggett Funeral Home, he oversees funerals with compassion and grace.

After the death of her husband, Bernie befriends Marjorie Nugent (Shirley MacLaine), a mean, hateful old broad whose reputation in Carthage is the polar opposite of Bernie's. Where Bernie is loved for his generosity and kindness, Marjorie is loathed for her spite and coldness. The two make the oddest couple (also, Bernie is in his late 30's and Marjorie in her 70's), but they find companions in one another. What starts out as beneficial to both of them--Marjorie has a travel companion who is nice to her and Bernie gets all expenses paid vacations around the world--begins to look more like indentured servitude as Marjorie gets meaner and more possessive of Bernie as time goes on. Until one day Bernie shoots Marjorie in the back and stuffs her body in a freezer. And then goes on to generously spend her money on helping out people in the community, all while pretending Marjorie is in a nursing home due to a stroke.

This movie is so great in so many ways. First, it's based on a true story and that story is bat-shit insane. They actually had to move Bernie Tiede's trial to another county because he was so well-liked in Carthage that District Attorney Danny Buck (Matthew McConaughey) didn't think he could get a conviction if the trial was held locally. The jury would be compromised.

Linklater films Bernie in partial "interview" style--not unlike Drop Dead Gorgeous and Modern Family, where the action of the film or show is broken up with characters speaking about events directly to the camera. This captures the local color of Carthage as well as the affection everyone had for Bernie despite the, uh, unpleasantness surrounding his arrest and trial.

While all the performances in Bernie are excellent, Jack Black is just...amazing. This might just be his best role to date. He captures the quirky, effeminate nature of Bernie Tiede--a sort of fussy, "light in the loafers" type of guy (there's an entire section of the film where interviewees speculate on whether Bernie is gay or not) who is also just so doggone nice and caring that you can't help but love him. By the end of the movie, you're basically like, "yeah, if I was on that jury, I'd vote to acquit him too".

Like I said, I can't believe I waited this long to watch Bernie, which has been on my Netflix queue for years. I'm glad I did because it's just...something else. I keep wanting to write that it's a "hoot", but that doesn't seem like an appropriate way to describe a movie where a guy pumps a little old lady full of lead...but here we are. It's a hoot.

Grade: A

***

In Bruges

Speaking of funny movies that involve pumping people full of lead, In Bruges is another film that mixes pathos with humor really effectively. In Bruges' reputation as a film precedes it--I kept hearing about how great this movie was and how it had a bit of a cult following. I can see why. Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson star as Ray and Ken, two hit men told to hide out in Bruges, Belgium after a job and await further instructions by their boss, Harry (Ralph Fiennes), a man with a hair-trigger temper.

Ray is recovering from a hit job gone wrong and grappling with the guilt of killing an innocent bystander. He also fucking hates Bruges and thinks it's a terrible city. Ken tries to convince him to enjoy the history and sights, but Ray would rather sulk, drink, and try to get into the pants of Chloe (Clemence Posey), a woman who also has dark secrets.

In Bruges is pretty slow until you find out the actual reason Ray and Ken are in Bruges and then it really takes off. I know I sometimes spoil plot points in these reviews, but I won't for In Bruges. Trust me, just watch it. Especially if you like the films of Quentin Tarantino and Guy Ritchie. In Bruges can be very--even shockingly--violent. It also contains offensive language, and not just the f-word. But it's also very funny and even poignant. Hell, it's just plain sad at times. I think what surprised me most about In Bruges is that it's an emotionally and ethically complex film. I thought it was just going to be a dumb shoot-em-up, but it turned out to be deeper and more existential than I thought.

Grade: A-

***

The Sacrament

Directed by the very talented Ti West, The Sacrament is essentially a mockumentary-style film that fictionalizes the Jim Jones murders. Patrick (Kentucker Audley--who wins the prize for "most ridiculously preppy name") is a journalist for Vice media whose sister, Caroline (Amy Seimetz), an ex-drug addict, has joined a self-sustaining commune in South America called Eden Parrish. Patrick's colleagues, Sam and Jake (AJ Bowen and Joe Swanberg), convince him to take them on a visit to Eden Parrish while they film the whole thing for an immersive journalism piece. Well, obviously things don't go as planned and they can tell that something is not right when they see a bunch of guys with machine guns guarding the entrance to Eden Parrish.

While Patrick and Caroline reunite, Jake and Sam interview residents of the commune. All of them seem just over the moon to be living there. Many of them are elderly and have nowhere else to go. Some, like Caroline, are recovering drug addicts. None of them seem concerned about the lack of access to any forms of communication with the outside world or the limited medical supplies in Eden Parrish. They truly seem to believe they are living in a paradise.

Sam scores an interview with "Father" (Gene Jones, giving a chilling performance), the founder of Eden Parrish who successfully dodges Sam's pointed questions about why a community devoted to peace and non-violence has men with machine guns guarding the perimeter. Father turns Sam's implied criticisms back on him, saying that it's the big cities and the media that have poisoned Sam's mind against the possibility of peace and community building.

You'd have the be an idiot not to see where all this cheerful Kumbaya-ing is actually leading. But West makes it easy for viewers when a woman and her mute child come to Sam and Jake in secret, begging for a spot on their helicopter out of the country. You won't find subtlety or many surprise twists in The Sacrament, but the scenes where shit goes down are not only horrifying--they're emotionally disturbing. Again, this is basically the Jim Jones story, only fictionalized a bit.

Personally, I really enjoyed The Sacrament. I was surprised to see that it was not very well-reviewed when it came out and some critics consider it one of Ti West's weaker movies (I've see two of his other movies--The Innkeepers and House of the Devil--and I think this one is his best). So, different strokes, I guess. If you're into suspense/horror/movies about cults, I'd give this one a whirl.

Grade: B+

Movie Dump, pt. 1

Movies: Keanu, They Look Like People, Blue Ruin

It's that time again where I have watched more movies that I can reasonably do full reviews for, so please enjoy these short reviews (and "Movie Dump, pt. 2" will be coming soon!)

***

Keanu

Keanu is a 90 minute long Key & Peele sketch. It captures the absurdity of Keegan-Michael Key and Jordan Peele's humor, since the plot revolves the duo's attempt to rescue the titular kitten from a gang known as the Blips (if you're not in the Bloods, and you're not in the Crips...you're in the Blips!). It also addresses race, a topic often found at the center of the duo's sketches. Peele plays Rell, a heartbroken stoner recovering from a breakup. When a tiny kitten appears at his doorstep, he takes it in and names it Keanu. Key plays Clarence, Rell's cousin. Clarence is as mild as one gets--happily married, he enjoys listening to George Michael as he drives around in his minivan. After Rell's house gets broken into, the two realize that nothing of value--except Keanu--was taken. They ask Rell's next door neighbor/weed dealer Hulka (a gut-busting Will Forte, in white man dreadlocks) if he saw anything, and Hulka tells them about the 17th street Blips--a fearsome gang who likely took poor Keanu.

So Rell and Clarence, who are about as culturally "white" as the cast of Modern Family, must infiltrate the Blips and get cozy with Cheddar (Method Man), the deliciously named leader of the gang, if they want to get Keanu back. Hilarity, violence, and dropping the n-word every other sentence ensue.

I enjoyed Keanu. I think I would have enjoyed it a lot more if I was high when I watched it. (I don't get high, FYI, in case my mom is reading this...). The movie can't quite keep the joke of Clarence and Rell's total confusion about gang culture up for the length of the film. But it definitely has its moments, as well as some great cameos (including a hilarious scene with Anna Faris playing herself). Let's just say I rented Keanu for $2.97, and that's about what it's worth to pay for a viewing of it. An enjoyable comedy starring some beloved comedians, but not something you're going to watch more than once.

Grade: B-

***

They Look Like People

Similarly, They Look Like People (streaming on Netflix) is a good horror/suspense film for a boring evening at home, but it didn't knock my socks off.

In They Look Like People, Christian (Evan Dumouchel) is a single, successful guy in his late 20's. A friend of his from childhood, Wyatt (MacLeod Andrews), comes back into his life unexpectedly and stays for a visit. Something seems a little off about Wyatt--from his long, unkempt hair to the 4am phone calls he makes. The audience sees more of Wyatt's weirdness than Christian does. It turns out that Wyatt is receiving phone calls from someone who masks their voice, telling him that evil creatures have begun to infest human beings and that a war between these creatures and "good", non-infected humans is coming, prompting Wyatt to load up on weapons, including sulfuric acid.

Because we, the audience, sees what Wyatt sees and hears what he hears, we don't know if this is all in Wyatt's head or is happening for real. And that's where the tension of the film lies--especially as Wyatt becomes more and more paranoid about Christian becoming infected by one of the creatures.

You'll have to watch it to find out what happens, and I gotta say the last scene of the film is an excellent one that will have you biting your nails. Still, I felt middling about the movie. Not bad, not great.

Grade: C+

***

Blue Ruin

Directed by Jeremy Saulnier, also directed this year's excellent Green Room, Blue Ruin is a melancholy take on the revenge film genre. Macon Blair plays Dwight, who at the start of the film is living in his car and has a long, bushy beard and the haunted, puppy-dog eyes of a sensitive soul who has suffered greatly.

When he is informed by police authorities that the man who murdered his parents is out of jail, Dwight stalks the man, Wade Cleland, and his family, following them to a sleazy bar where the Cleland's family gathers to celebrate Wade's release.

Macon Blair is gripping as Dwight--he appears so mild-mannered (he looks like the love child of Matthew Broderick and Joe Lo Truglio) that when he commits a shocking act of violence, you can hardly believe he had to guts to do it. But Dwight's impulsive act sets a series of events in motion that not only put him in danger, but also puts his estranged sister, Sam, and her two young daughters in harm's way, forcing Dwight to continue his spree of violence to save what remains of his family--a family that doesn't particularly like him. There's a moment when Sam tells Dwight, "I could forgive you if you were crazy, but you're not. You're weak." By climatic ending of Blue Ruin, we realize Sam was wrong. Dwight isn't weak at all. Nor is he strong. He's simply a haunted man with absolutely nothing to lose.

Blue Ruin is less edge-of-your-seat exciting than Green Room, but it's equally well-made. For a revenge film, it's interesting that the central emotion that drives the film isn't rage, but sadness--as well as a sense of inevitability.

Grade: A-

Murder in the Dark

Movies: Don't Breathe

Don't Breathe, directed by Fede Alvarez (who also directed the Evil Dead remake in 2013), is an inventive twist on the sub-genre of home invasion films. In Don't Breathe, the predators become the prey when three young adults who break into homes and steal valuables decide to break into the home of a blind army veteran (Stephan Lang) who happens to be sitting on a load of cold, hard cash.

The trio of burglars each have a particular reason why they want to commit this act of robbery--Rocky (Jane Levy) dreams of escaping her rundown home in Detroit with her little sister and heading for California; Money (yes, that's the character's name...Money. Played by Daniel Zovatto) is in it purely for the...well, money; and timid Alex (Dylan Minnette) is in love with--and firmly friend-zoned by--Rocky, so he'll follow her like a puppy wherever.

They believe it will be easy to rob this man blind (heh), thinking he's a defenseless recluse. But when they finally bust into his veritable fortress of a house, they realize that he is the very opposite of a weak, scared old man. And despite being blind, this old SOB is going to fight back.

I'm going to go into details, including spoilers, below. But I'll say that even though Don't Breathe is very effective as a thriller--the setting is incredibly claustrophobic, making the audience feel like they are trapped in the house with the burglars--I had to knock it down a couple grade levels for two reasons. First, I felt like you had to suspend your disbelief A LOT in this movie. When it comes to the horror genre, I'm cool with a fair amount of suspension of disbelief. Teens haunted by a ghost? Sure, sounds good to me. A monster stalks a single mother? Bring it on. But when a movie is set in "the real world", I get pickier. Stephan Lang's nameless character (called "The Blind Man" in the credits) is a little TOO fierce to be believed. Sure, he's an army vet, so it makes sense that he can protect himself and fight, but this motherfucker is portrayed with Katniss Everdeen-levels of speed and agility.

Secondly, the film has some twists and turns (described below) that start out as genuinely intriguing and then just take a nosedive into needlessly creepy and WTF.

But I don't regret spending matinee prices on Don't Breathe --it's a fun popcorn flick that will thrill you.

Grade B-

***

Detailed spoilers below!

So the first half of Don't Breathe is pretty much exactly how'd you expect it to be if you saw the movie trailer--the burglars decide to rob this guy (by the way, who actually keeps a shitload of cash in their home? If this blind guy is so smart, why doesn't he get a bank account?) and then they have to spend a ton of time breaking in since this dude's house is a fortress. There are bars on all the windows, a ton of locks of every door, and a vicious dog to contend with. Once they get in, it's a miracle they don't wake this guy up immediately with all the noise they make. But they're in for a surprise when he wakes up and starts kicking ass.

The blind guy catches Money trying to pry open a bolted door in the house, disarms him, and blows him away nice as you please (good--Money is an incredibly annoying character). But because Rocky and Alex haven't made any noise, the blind guy doesn't know they're there...yet. He ends up locking all of them inside the house, with no easy escape--and when he senses that there are two more burglars inside the house, well, as I said above, the predators become the prey and the blind man hunts them throughout his own house.

 But the movie shifts dramatically when Alex and Rocky head into the blind guy's basement after remembering that there is a door in the basement they can escape out of. In an incredibly effective twist, they find a woman in the basement--all chained up and kept on a bed of cushions. It turns out that this woman killed the blind man's daughter in a vehicle accident (which is how he got all that cash--through a settlement with the woman's family). The woman was found innocent of vehicular manslaughter by the courts. So the blind guy kidnapped her (how exactly he pulled off this stunt is never explained).

I thought this twist was really good...but it quickly turned...umm, weird...when you find out later that the reason the guy kidnapped her was because, as he says, "She took my child away from me...I thought it was only fair she give me another one." o_0

Yes, it turns out that this old bastard kidnapped the woman who killed his daughter (accidentally killed!) and impregnated her with his own sperm. After Rocky and Alex attempt to rescue her, which leads to her getting shot and killed by the blind guy, the blind guy manages to capture Rocky and ends up trussing her up in a sling. This is when he explains the whole impregnation thing to Rocky, while--I shit you not--pulling a jar of his own semen out of a little refrigerator, warming it up, and using a turkey baster to attempt to impregnate her (don't worry--Alex, the friendzoned dude, bludgeons the blind guy before he can slip that ol' baster into Rocky's youthful, fertile womb).

This was where the movie lost me. I liked the twist where it turns out the blind guy is nutty kidnapper, but a nutty kidnapper who forcibly impregnates women? Is that really necessary? And seeing Rocky all tied up in a sling while blind guy cuts open her pants to shove a turkey baster into her VAGINA--is that REALLY necessary? Or is is using rape and reproductive coercion as entertainment?

Oh, and here's the kicker--as the blind guy prepares his own nut to impregnate Rocky he explains "I'm not a rapist. I never forced myself on her." HAHAHAHAHA. That's gold. Yeah, I guess because you didn't use your dick, it doesn't count as rape/sexual assault. Motherfucker, you shoved a baster filled with sperm up a girl's cooch in an attempt to force her to become pregnant against her will while she was tied up in a homemade sex swing. That's about as rapey as it gets.

Well, the movie doesn't end after Friendzone Alex saves Rocky from becoming a mother against her will. There's like, 20 minutes left of the film...the dog I mentioned earlier plays a big role (he serves as the Chekhov's gun of the movie). Blah blah blah. But I don't really care about going into all that. Really, I just wanted to write about the wack-a-doodle impregnation twist and how gross and stupid it is. Without it, Don't Breathe gets a solid B. With it, I demote the film to

Grade: B-

Yes, And

Movies: Don't Think Twice, Sleepwalk With Me

Two movies written and directed by Mike Birbiglia show how much more nuanced his work has become.

Don't Think Twice 

Don't Think Twice is an excellent little comedy, equal parts heartfelt and cringe-y. The film follows tight-knit improv group The Commune, made up of Miles (Birbiglia), Jack (Keegan-Michael Key), Sam (Gillian Jacobs), Bill (Chris Gethard), Allison (Kate Micucci), and Lindsay (Tami Sagher).

As a couple members of The Commune end up with a shot to audition for Weekend Live (a fictionalized version of Saturday Night Live, complete with an aloof Lorne Michaels type showrunner at the helm), the other members react with equal parts support and secret bitterness.

In Birbiglia's capable hands, Don't Think Twice doesn't shy away from the more unsavory aspects of the group dynamic of this particular improv group (or improv in general) as well as the consequences ambition has on a group of friends all competing for essentially the same goal. Three of the members in particular--Miles, Sam, and Jack--come off as both incredibly sympathetic and impossibly annoying. Jack and Sam are in a relationship and they take their joking ways off the improv stage and into every aspect of their lives (including the bedroom), which is both sweet and exhausting. I mean, everyone wants a romantic partner with "a sense of humor", but can two funny people who seem unable to turn it off really be together? Their love story is at the heart of Don't Think Twice, and it's fascinating to watch as their intimacy is put through the ringer when they realize they have vastly different goals.

Birbiglia gives himself a juicy role as Miles, the 36 year old improv instructor who can't contain his jealousy as he watches his own students achieve the kind of success he dreamed of but could never quite reach. He lives in a shitty apartment that he brings his much younger female students back to for the occasional sad boning. Emotionally, he's closer to their age than to women his own age--but he finds the desire to step up his game when he reacquaints with Liz, an old high school classmate who ends up back in his life.

Miles occasionally lets his raw and ugly resentment show, which makes for some really cringe-y moments, but he never completely loses hold of the audience's sympathy. I was incredibly impressed with Birbiglia's authentic, lived in performance (probably due to the fact that he DID live it, or at least a version of it). Miles is a character you want to both slap and cuddle, often during the same scene.

Likewise, Keegan-Michael Key (of Key & Peele) is excellent at playing the showboating, gotta-be-the-funniest-guy-in-the-room Jack, who actually has a shot at true fame. Not only does he give the funniest performance in the movie, he manages, like Birbiglia's Miles, to be both sympathetic and distasteful. When he interrupts Bill as he relays sad news about an injured relative to tell the group about a big break he got, the audience I was sitting in erupted with groans. What a clueless jerk! At the same time, you can't help but admire Jack's determination and pluck, even if it makes him a bit of a narcissist.

And then there's Sam (Gillian Jacobs), who realizes that maybe the only reason she shares the same goals as Jack is because that's what's expected of her, not because she actually wants to achieve those goals. As Jack's career blasts off, Sam appears to be stuck...but is she really? Or has she already achieved happiness and contentment right where she is?

Don't Think Twice poses a lot of thoughtful questions about friendship, relationships, ambitions, and talent. It really boils down to two thesis statements: 1) people want different things in life, and that's OK and 2) sometimes you DON'T achieve your dreams and goals, and it's up to you to find contentment in what you do have. Both of these truths can be hard pills to swallow, especially if you're part of a rather codependent group like The Commune (Birbiglia portrays the improv community, like most communities, as 50% loving and supportive and 50% insular and echo chamber-y). If you work, live, and hang out with the same people all the time, it can be difficult to form your own identity and goals independent of the group. It's only when one member of the group moves forward--whether "moving forward" means getting married, switching jobs, starting a business, quitting drinking, having a baby, or moving to France--that others in the group get a clearer picture of what it is THEY want.

Don't Think Twice is ultimately a hopeful, sweet film that avoids pat answers to life's problems. While we may occasionally resent and compete with our friends, at the end of the day, they have our back.

Grade: A-

***

Sleepwalk With Me

Mike Birbiglia's first foray into directing is more directly autobiographical and less refined than Don't Think Twice. It's still really good though. Birbiglia casts himself as Matt Pandamiglio, a struggling wannabe comedian with a great girlfriend, Abby (Lauren Ambrose), and a sleep disorder that causes him not only to sleepwalk, but to sleep-drive and, in a memorable scene, sleep-jump-out-of-a-window.

According to IMDB, which I totally trust, Sleepwalk With Me is about "70% true". Birbiglia does have a sleep disorder and actually did jump out a second story window once. The parts of the film that focus on his sleep issues and his sudden success on the stand-up circuit are interesting and fun. The parts about his once good, but now not that great relationship with Abby--not so much. Matt and Abby's relationship takes the cliched (though, admittedly, realistic and common) path of "We've been together a long time, thus we should get married". Just as Sam in Don't Think Twice expresses a desire to end up on Weekend Live merely because all of her friends want that, not because SHE wants it, Matt and Abby's decision to get married reflects other people's expectations and desires more than their own. If Birbiglia has a grasp on one life lesson, it's "don't do something just because other people say you should".

Sleepwalk With Me is a pleasant, if forgettable, comedy. I wish there was a little more bite to it. It's almost *too* nice. When compared to Don't Think Twice, you can see Birbiglia's increasing ability to capture the complexities and the unpleasant and upsetting aspects of life. I don't think Birbiglia will ever be my favorite stand-up comedian, but he is undoubtedly a talented director, writer, and actor--I'm looking forward to seeing whatever he comes up with next.

Grade: B

Gimme Some Strange

TV and Movies: Stranger Things, Baskin, Leap Year

People are going bonkers for Stranger Things on Netflix. Here's my review, plus reviews of two very strange films (also on Netflix).

Stranger Things

Created by Matt and Ross Duffer, the eight-episode first (hopefully not last!) season of Stranger Things is almost as perfect as a made-for-Netflix show can be. It's incredibly binge-able, taps into our collective nostalgia for the early 1980s, is creepy enough to make us sink deeper under the covers but not creepy enough to turn off the TV, and lends itself well to theories and speculation. No wonder it's been a smashing success.

Borrowing heavily (while somehow avoiding being derivative) from films and culture of the 1980s like E.T, The Goonies, and the works of Stephen King, Stranger Things is appealing not just to those who grew up in the 80s. Being a 90s kid myself (I was only 5 years old when the 1980s ended), I still saw a lot of my childhood in Stranger Things, which is set in 1983. Nostalgia and throwbacks are a la mode right now and they also help us connect emotionally to movies and shows. But unlike, say, Fuller House, the nostalgia of Stranger Things feels truly authentic and not like a cheap gimmick.

And then the characters. Oh, the characters! My personal favorite is Jim Hopper, the small town cop with a haunted past who gets sucked into the mystery surrounding the disappearance of Will Byers. While Winona Ryder's performance as Will's grief-stricken mother, Joyce Byers, gets all the glory, I personally found Hop's emotional performance, oscillating between masculine stoicism and tearful breakdowns, to be the standout of the show.

But even the smaller characters feel real. There's Mike Wheeler's oblivious dad, Ted, who says things like "Jiminy Christmas" and "hold your horses". There's Barb. Poor Barb! She didn't deserve what happened to her. Fuck Nancy--Barb should have been solving the mystery of the Upside Down alongside weirdo Jonathan Byers. There's dear Mr. Clark, the dorky teacher who encourages Mike, Will, Dustin, and Lucas in their love of all things science and nerd-related. While solid primary characters are essential to the success of a TV show, it's the secondary characters that make a show feel "lived in".

Well, I'm not even going to get into the plot. Either you've seen it already or you should watch it without knowing anything about it. If you *haven't* watched it yet, get on dat! It's less than 8 hours to get through, and trust me, you'll want to do it in one sitting.

Grade: A

***

Baskin

Speaking of strange, this bizarre Turkish horror film is certainly a head-scratcher. Following five cops who, during a night shift, receive a call for back up in a bad part of town, Baskin ("police raid" in Turkish) is part supernatural horror, part torture-porn. The cops (including a rookie and an old timer) answer the call, which leads them to an old, abandoned police station which turns out might actually be the gateway to hell. Like, literally.

 Baskin has an ominous, slow burn feeling to it. Images of bloody meat being prepared at a restaurant or dozens of frogs piling onto one another in a rainy forest portend Bad Things. But once the cops get the call and reach the abandoned station is when things get real freaky. As they explore the station using their flashlights, they see some things they (and the audience) can't unsee.

I'll avoid revealing more, but I'll say that for horror fans, Baskin offers genuine chills (I was watching a good portion of the film through my fingers), but not a lot of substance. For people with an aversion to gore, or a sensitivity to scary movies, this ain't the one for you.

Grade: C+

*** 
 
Leap Year

Not to be confused with the PG-rated romantic comedy starring Amy Adams, Leap Year is a 2011 Mexican film and the winner of several awards, including a Cannes award. And boy, is it a bleak movie.

Shot almost entirely in a dingy apartment, Leap Year follows Laura, a 25 year old freelance journalist living a life of crushing loneliness. She spends her days diligently typing up articles for business magazines and talking on the phone with her mother and brother and her nights bringing home strange men and having uninspiring sex with them.

One night she brings home Arturo, an older man and aspiring actor, and has wildly passionate sex with him. The keep seeing each other. The sex starts out with relatively mild S&M play (spanking, choking) and gets more and more intense and violent each time they see each other (while their pillow talk becomes more and more tender). But Laura is actually excited about something for once, breathlessly stripping off her dowdy pajamas when Arturo rings her doorbell in the middle of the night.

However, things get VERY dark VERY quickly, revealing the depths of Laura's loneliness and desperation.

Leap Year appears at first blush to be an erotic drama, but is ultimately a meditation on how the daily grind of life can be soul crushing. At the end of each day, Laura X-es out the date on her wall calendar, counting down the days until February 29th (we learn the significance of the date in the latter part of the movie) To Laura , the slow roll of time is itself a prison sentence. We can't blame her for searching for release in the most violent ways.

Grade: A-