Stuff I watched in...(the first half of ) March, 2026

I have been on a movie-watching tear this month and so instead of my regular monthly round-up, I'm going bi. Bi-monthly, that is! At least for March!

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Undertone

The premise of this horror film by newcomer director Ian Tuason is a pretty excellent one: Evy (Nina Kiri) and Justin (Adam DiMarco) co-host a paranormal podcast. Evy is the skeptic and Justin is the believer. They are sent a series of audio files where a guy records his girlfriend to prove that she talks in her sleep. Extremely creepy shit ensues...and it begins "leaking" into Evy's life.

I loved haunted media stories (The Ring made an enormous impact on me as a teen). The idea that you can become "cursed" by hearing or reading the wrong this is something that is personally quite scary to me. However, Undertone fumbles the bag here by trying to do too much in one film. In addition to the haunted audio premise, Evy is caring for her dying mother. She also's pregnant from her shitty boyfriend. She's also drinking again. Undertone wants to be all of the following: haunted media horror, pregnancy horror, motherhood horror, mental health horror, religious horror, demonic possession horror, and old person horror. It incorporates elements of all of these things and just never comes together in a coherent and satisfying way.

To give credit where credit is due, I was terrified for a good portion of the film. I saw it in the theatre, which was the right move (scarier on the big screen), and I was curled up into a ball in my seat for probably two-thirds of the movie. However, the climax goes so big and so extra, throwing all kinds of shit at the wall, that I became very quickly not-scared and started laughing at it (they unironically use the phrase "witching hour" at one point) and just cringing and waiting for it to be over.

I think Ian Tuason has some great ideas and instincts, he just needs to hone his craft. I'd recommend Undertone to horror lovers. Just because I was disappointed doesn't mean you will be! 

Grade: C+

***

Sirat

Spanish film Sirat has a banger of a premise but delivers something very different. A middle-aged man, Luis (Sergi Lopez), travels with his young son, Esteban (Bruno Nunez Arjona), to a rave in the Moroccan desert that he think his runaway daughter might be attending. After showing her picture to many ravers with no luck, a group of people tell him that there is going to be another rave even deeper in the desert and she might be there. Luis asks to follow this group and they try to warn him that the terrain will be difficult and dangerous to cross, but Luis insists and they relent. This found family of misfits--Steffi, Josh, Tonin, Jade, and Bigui--bond with the father and son and help them out. But then some fucked up shit happens. And then some even more fucked up shit happens.

Sirat is incredibly anxiety-producing. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and when it did, it was not what I was expecting at all. The problem is that so much epically bad shit happens in such a short amount of time that the film bypassed tragedy and went headlong into comedy. Don't get me wrong, I'm someone who kind of digs "trauma porn", but there was something about the pacing of this film where it just started to feel silly... and I don't think that was the director's intention. Perhaps he was trying to say something about the absurdity of life and how quickly things can go from bad to worse, but it felt a bit cheap to me.

All that said, Sirat is a very unique and unforgettable film. A lot of people have really liked it (and the use of rave music as a dominating, smothering presence is pretty genius). But I wanted this to be a movie about a guy looking for his daughter in a hellish pit of uncaring ravers and Sirat just...wasn't that.

Grade: B

***

The Secret Agent

The Brazilian film The Secret Agent was a very rewarding and rich viewing experience. I'm sure it would have been even more rewarding if I knew much about Brazilian history or politics. But even knowing the bare minimum (Brazil was under a military dictatorship from 1964 to 1985), I was still able to follow along and appreciate the film deeply.

Starring noted hunk and good actor Wagner Moura, the movie mostly takes place in 1977. Moura plays Armando Solimoes, a former researcher and professor, trying to live as best he can under a fascist regime. Going by an assumed name--Marcelo--Armando travels to the city of Recife to stay at a communal safe house for leftists and political dissidents overseen by the indomitable Dona Sebastiana (Tania Maria). Armando wants to be in Recife because his son, Fernando, is living there with Armando's in-laws. But Armando isn't safe. He finds out that an old enemy of his--a man with money and political power--has hired a hit man to take him out. He must wait patiently to get a forged passport so he can leave the country with Fernando. And the clock is ticking. The film also follows the hit man and his assistant as they get closer and closer to finding Armando.

Despite the high stakes, The Secret Agent is a surprisingly chill movie. There are only a few action sequences and a lot of the film is just people hanging out and talking. It's a film that shows that even under a violent dictatorship, life goes on. People go to the movies, fuck, and talk about their kids. People drink and smoke and go to parties. Even if they know intellectually that they could be shot in the back of the head tomorrow. There's an odd comfort in that.

In a world filled with movies as insubstantial as cotton candy, The Secret Agent is a steak dinner. It rewards patience, doesn't hold your hand, and gives no easy answers. It's a good watch.

Grade: A-

***

It Was Just an Accident

It Was Just an Accident is a pleasingly tense and surprisingly funny film by celebrated Iranian activist filmmaker Jafar Panahi. Panahi's films boldly criticize the Iranian regime and he has served prison time for his art.

In It Was Just an Accident, a man (Ebrahim Azizi) and his wife and daughter are driving home one night when they hit a dog, which damages the car. They travel to a nearby auto repair shop to get the car fixed and when the man enters the shop, a mechanic, Vahid (Vahid Mobasseri), hears him from another room and is stopped dead in his tracks. Vahid served time in prison for political dissent and there was a sadistic prison guard named Eghbal who had a prosthetic leg and who tormented and beat Vahid during his time in prison. Vahid doesn't know what Eghbal looks like because he was always blindfolded during the torture, but he will never forget the distinctive sound Eghbal's leg made when he walked. And the man who just walked into the shop is making the exact same sound.

Vahid is so sure that this is Eghbal that he follows the man and later knocks him unconscious, kidnaps him, and prepares to bury him alive in the desert. But the man protests and says he is not Vahid's tormentor and that he lost his leg recently, not years ago. So Vahid gags him, ties him up, and locks him in a box in his van and contacts a friend to help him identify the man. This friend refuses to get involved, but gives him the name of a woman, Shiva (Mariam Afshari), who can help him. As Vahid seeks to confirm the identity of the man so that he can, presumably, kill him, the group of people involved gets bigger and bigger and the situation gets more complex and fraught. 

It Was Just an Accident brilliantly walks the line between dark comedy and tense thriller. Even during its funnier or more absurd moments, the film never loses its bite. It also moves in an interesting philosophical direction near the end when Shiva and Vahid have to decide what to do with this guy. Is he Eghbal or not? And if he is, are they stooping to his level? But if they show mercy, will they come to regret it? There's so much to explore here and given that I'm not Iranian I'm sure I'm missing a ton of cultural context that would add even more depth to this already excellent film. 

Grade: A

***

Fackham Hall

Fackham Hall is a light little creampuff of a movie compared to the ones above. Directed by Jim O'Hanlon, Fackham Hall is a parody of Downton Abbey, Gosford Park, and other "upstairs/downstairs" movies and shows. The jokes fly fast and furious with a mix of sight gags, crude humor, slapstick, and witty dialogue. 

Lord and Lady Davenport (Damien Lewis and Katherine Waterston) are looking forward to the marriage of their youngest daughter, Poppy (Emma Laird), to her first cousin Archibald (Tom Felton). Because the Davenports have no male heir (their sons John, Paul, George, and Ringo all died in terrible accidents), Fackham Hall will pass on to Archie so it is imperative that Poppy marry him to make sure her family isn't evicted. But Archie is the worst and Poppy wants to marry for love!

Unfortunately, their elder daughter, Rose (Thomasin McKenzie), is a dried up spinster at age 23, so no one will marry her. But when Poppy leaves Archie at the altar, the pressure is on for Rose to marry Archie instead and save Fackham Hall. There's only one problem (besides Achie being the worst)...

Rose has been getting to know Eric Noone (Ben Radcliffe), a young man who grew up in an orphanage and now runs errands for the nuns. He arrived at Fackham Hall with a mysterious letter, but the housekeeper, Mrs. McCallister (Anna Maxwell Martin), put him to work as the hall boy and no one says no to Mrs. McCallister. In any case, Rose and Eric have a lot in common despite their enormous class difference and Rose is thinking she might want to marry for love too. 

If you like Downton Abbey and similar shows and movies, you'll probably get a kick out of Fackham Hall. For me, it was a nice break from all the heavy movies I've been watching recently. 

Grade: B

***

Honey Bunch

Like Undertone, Honey Bunch is a horror film that's trying to do too much. But unlike Undertone, Honey Bunch *really* swings for the fences and gets points for ambition and weirdness. Directed by Madeline Sims-Fewer and Dusty Mancinelli, Honey Bunch follows a woman, Diana (Grace Glowicki), who is taken to a strange medical clinic in the woods by her husband, Homer (Ben Petrie). She was in a car accident that she has no memory of, but she is assured by Homer and Farah (Kate Dickie), a medical assistant who works at the clinic, that the innovative methods of the clinic's founder, Dr. Trephine, will make her good as new. Never mind that Dr. Trephine seems mysteriously absent from the clinic. 

As far as we can tell, these "innovative" procedures involve pilates-type exercises, a strict diet, and pills Diana is told to take before bed...and not much else. Still, Diana does begin to recover memories. She also sees a woman hanging out near the woods who looks suspiciously like the portrait of Dr. Trephine's dead wife. So that's pretty weird. Oh, and also Diana has terrifying visions/dreams every night and ends up sleepwalking all around the clinic grounds. 

The directors of Honey Bunch clearly have a passion for film as they directly reference both Rebecca and The Stepford Wives. But it also brought to mind the body horror of Cronenberg films and the campiness of American Horror Story. There is so much going on and for a film that is less than 2 hours long, it felt long. 

The reveal of what is actually happening at the clinic is a good one, but overall I really wish Honey Bunch had been more focused. There are a lot of red herrings thrown out there to fool and confuse the audience and when the movie reveals its hand, you don't look back at those details and say "Oh, it makes sense now!" Instead you say, "Ok, but why did that [detail] happen? And what was [other detail] about?" At least that's how I felt...and maybe it's the kind of movie you need to watch twice to put together all the pieces. But I think it's as simple as the directors wanted this movie to be too many things at once. Like Undertone, I admire the directors' passion and vision, but I wish they had "killed their darlings" a bit more to make a cohesive and coherent final product.

Grade: B-

I read all the Heated Rivalry books so you don't have to (but you should)

Unless you're living under a rock, you've surely heard of Heated Rivalry, a TV series that made it's debut on HBO last November. It's about Shane and Ilya--rival hockey players who begin a secret sexual relationship as rookies and eventually can't stop themselves from falling in love. It's a really amazing show that is both intensely romantic and very hot. It's exactly the kind of show we need right now, when queer rights are once again under fire. Because this is a show about hope. This is a show that says, yes, you can be exactly who you are and you will be loved for it. 

And I discovered, to my delight, that the books the show is based on (the Game Changers series by Rachel Reid), leans even more into those themes of hope, love, and removing people who hurt you from your life so you can fill it with people who love you. This last point is the key to everything that is wonderful about Heated Rivalry. The story isn't "if the sex is good enough and you love each other enough, you will have a happy ending". It's "if you take steps to make needed changes in your life and ask for support, your life will get better...and you just might have a happy ending." Obviously, these books are in the romance genre, which banks on "happy endings guaranteed". This is a very different philosophy than I am used to, especially in my movie-watching habits. I do like happy endings, but they have to be earned. And they are only powerful and meaningful if you also have sad endings and ambiguous endings. Romance is a tricky genre for me because I am a romantic but I also hate bullshit. And while the books in the Game Changers series have some bullshit, they also have a lot of really good character building...and a lot of sex.

Before I get into my reviews of each book, I'd be remiss to not mention the loads of discourse around both the show and the series. The discourse seems to run along two main themes: 1) the parasocial relationship fans have with the young breakout stars of the show, Hudson Williams (who plays Shane) and Connor Storrie (who plays Ilya) and 2) the fact that this is a show/series about gay men written by a woman and primarily enjoyed by women.

I can't really speak to the first theme since I'm not at a place in my life where I get obsessed with actors. I'm glad I grew up in an era where all I could do was buy magazines about actors I had a crush on or look at shitty early-aughts websites about them. I didn't have access to their social media and up-to-the-minute information and gossip about them. I hope Williams and Storrie come out of this with a million awesome movie and TV offers and they get to do whatever they want with their careers. 

The second point is an interesting one. The show was adapted from the book and directed by a gay man, Jacob Tierney. But reading the books, you can very much feel a woman's touch. Mostly because the gay male characters in her books fall in love INSTANTLY and end up wanting monogamy and marriage. Now, now, now...I know that these are stereotypes about "what women want" versus what gay men may or may not want, but I've consumed enough media created by gay men (Looking and Queer as Folk are some examples) to know that it's a bit...different. I saw a meme that said "the men of Heated Rivalry are actually lesbians", which made me laugh. I don't know. Gay guys who read my reviews---what do you think of the show? And what do you think of women writing gay male characters? 

In any case, I've not going to explore the discourse in my reviews, but actually review the books themselves. 

***

Game Changer

If you've watched Heated Rivalry are were charmed by episode 3, which focuses on Kip Grady and Scott Hunter, consider reading the first book in Reid's "Game Changer" series, which follows Kip and Scott's entire story, from the blueberry smoothies to the grand gesture Scott makes after leading his team to a Stanley Cup victory. 

I liked Game Changer but I didn't love it. More than any of the other books, Kip and Scott fall in insta-love and I'm not gonna lie...it's kind of gross. Like, gross in the way it's gross to watch a couple who really love each other make out in public. It's a little much. Especially since Kip is Scott's first boyfriend. The deeply closeted Scott has had sex with men before, but only while on vacation in other countries where he won't get recognized. He is absolutely terrified of being outed and it's a bummer because he basically holes Kip away in his apartment and pretends like he doesn't know him in public.

If you've seen the show, you know that Scott redeems himself in the most public way possible, and it sets the stage for all the other closeted hockey players in the series to have the courage to come out. But the journey there is painful. 

I give this book a "B" because I really liked Kip and the sex is mostly hot. I say "mostly" because by the time Kip and Scott are in love, it's a lot of exhortations of "I love you!" and "you're so fucking beautiful" when they have sex and while that's nice...the praise kink of it all was a bit much for me.

Grade: B

***

Heated Rivalry

The OG. The book Heated Rivalry hits all the same beats as the show. If anything, the show might actually be a little better (for one thing, the character Svetlana is fleshed out WAY more in the show). However, this book may be the ultimate winner of the series because 1) it's the sexiest and 2) Shane and Ilya's relationship builds over years which makes it more believable and more intense.

All of the books in this series have a lot of sex, but this one is definitely an erotic romance versus a romance that is erotic. This is because the sex actually moves the relationship along. The sex is critical to the relationship and if they weren't having it, there would be no relationship at all. Also, the sex is pervasive and consistent throughout the book. I mean there's probably like 10-15 sex scenes in this 370 page novel, including in the first chapter. So if that's what you're after, you're gonna get it here. If that's not your cup of tea...well, there are a lot of "sweet romance" authors out there, too!

Heated Rivalry is also a winner because of the undeniable chemistry between the characters. I used to think I hated the "enemies-to-lovers" trope...but when it comes to Shane and Ilya, I am happy to be proven wrong. A lot of the "enemies" aspect hinges on Ilya Rosanov, by far the best and most interesting character in the entire series. Ilya is an asshole who loves to get under the skin of other players. But he's also extremely handsome and confident, so you can see why someone would be attracted to him. Throughout the series, we learn a lot more about Ilya's background and depressing upbringing and see why he is the way he is.

Meanwhile, Shane Hollander is an anxious over-achiever. I've heard him described as boring. I would say he's just boring enough for a lot of readers and viewers to relate to him and project themselves onto him. Why do I have a feeling that there's a lot of former "High School Honor Roll" people watching this show and going apeshit over it? Heated Rivalry just gives that vibe. It's dumb (sexy) enough to turn your brain off, but not so dumb that you feel dumb while watching it.

Heated Rivalry is one of the strongest books in the series and probably tied with Role Model as my personal fave.

Grade: A

***

Tough Guy

Tough Guy is a tough sell. The characters, Ryan Price and Fabian Salah, are really not that fun to read about, quite frankly. Ryan is an enforcer on Toronto's hockey team (a team full of assholes). He's a gentle giant with so much anxiety and self-esteem issues that it makes it hard to root for him. While it's relatable and makes the reader sympathize with him in a "poor guy" way, it's not exactly sexy to listen to the main character of a romance constantly put himself down, refer to himself (and his penis!) as "ugly", and convince himself he's not worth anyone's time.

Fabian is not much better. He's thinly written and seems more like a collection of quirks (he dresses femininely and is a beautiful singer) than a complex human being. It's like Reid had the idea to pair a 6'7" giant with a slight, feminine man and wrote the characters to fit that vision rather than building the characters from the ground up.

As far as the sex goes, it takes forever to get to the fuckin'. I think I was 50% of the way through the book and was like "can we get on with it??" The lack of sex did not make the story more romantic--it took a weak story and made it worse by not at least having some hot boning in it. To be fair, the lack of sex in the first half makes sense because of Ryan being extremely shy, nervous about being vulnerable, and having trouble performing due to his medication--all very realistic issues. But overall this book was a bummer! To me, there wasn't any payoff that made the pain worth it, unlike in Game Changer where the agony of Kip feeling like Scott's dirty secret had a beautiful payoff in the end.

Some folks will probably love Tough Guy for it's realistic depiction of severe anxiety, and that's awesome! It was just not what I wanted or expected.

Grade: B-

***

Common Goal

It seems that readers consider Common Goal the worst or most boring book of the series and while I don't agree, I do see where they're coming from. This book follows Eric Bennett, an "older" goalie on the edge of retirement (he's 41, which is apparently ancient for hockey players) and Kyle, a 25 year old grad student and bartender. The big obstacle is their age difference and, frankly, it's not a very good obstacle because all the private agonizing could be put to an end with one or two honest conversations.

Instead, most of the book until the very, very, very end (I'm talking the last chapter) is Kyle thinking "He'll never really want me--he thinks I'm too young" and Eric thinking "He'll never really want me--he thinks I'm too old". There's a little more to it, but that's basically it. Now, don't worry, Eric and Kyle absolutely bone (although, like in Tough Guy, they take their time getting to it). Eric is bisexual and recently divorced from a woman he was married to for 20 years whereas Kyle is an Experienced Gay Man (tm) who offers to "teach" Eric how to have sex with another guy. This is a very intriguing set-up and the sex in this book was some of the hottest in the series (in my humble opinion). 

So the sex is good but the romance is lacking and I also thought that Kyle was kind of a jerk. Any time it felt like they were getting close to an emotionally honest moment, Kyle would make a joke or dismissive comment that would kill the vibe. It's kind of understandable when you learn his backstory, but it also made me feel like maybe Eric was too good for him and would actually find more happiness with a man his own age who had a little more maturity and less snark. They're not really a couple you want to root for. 

Like Game Changer, Common Goal is just fine--but not great.

Grade: B

***

Role Model

Ok, so now we get to a great book in the series. I actually think that Role Model is the best written book in the entire series. My only complaint is that it's not longer, and I don't mean that in a cutesy way, I mean that there's literally not enough time and space to develop the characters more fully. And they are REALLY GOOD characters! 

Role Model is about Troy Barrett, a player who had cameos in previous books as a homophobic jerk and who in this book ends up traded from Toronto to Ottawa because he calls his teammate a "rapist" (because, well, the teammate raped a bunch of women) and Toronto takes the rapist's side over Troy's. 

Troy starts out at Ryan Price-levels of self-loathing. He is secretly gay and hid behind his piece of shit "friend", Dallas Kent (the rapist), to avoid any suspicion falling on him. He gets dumped by his secret boyfriend, gets banished to Ottawa (which has a very low ranked hockey team), and everyone hates him--either because he called Kent out or because he was friends with Kent in the first place.

But this is a story of redemption. This is also "grumpy meets sunshine" story. Harris Drover, the out and proud social media manager for Ottawa's team, is an indomitable ray of sunshine who bursts into Troy's life with--quite literally--puppies and rainbows. I love how Harris is written because sunshine characters can be the worst. People who are happy and positive all the time can be the worst. But he's given enough of a sense of humor and grit that he comes off as just a really good guy who likes himself and not a Pollyanna.

I was so curious as to how Troy would make the transition from self-loathing, closeted sad-sack to out and proud and in love. The book's main weakness is that the transition happens too quickly and too smoothly. There's a trope in romance called "The Magic Peen" where a character's problems just fall away after having sex with their love interest and we get a bit of that in Role Model. 

Now, I will say that the precipitating event that pushes Harris and Troy from flirtation to sex and then love is a genius one. I was like "How are we going to make the jump here? Troy is too hesitant and Harris won't push him". Then when it happened, I was like "I 100% believe that experiencing this would push someone to take a huge leap of faith". You'll know what I'm talking about when you get to the scene.

Once Harris and Troy finally get together, it's smooth sailing. A bit too smooth. I do wish there were more obstacles and complications before Harris and Troy get their happy ending. But there's enough angst in the first half of the book that I didn't mind it all that much.

Grade: A

***

The Long Game

The Long Game continues Shane and Ilya's story. They follow through on their plan for Ilya to leave Boston for Ottawa and start a charity with Shane--bringing them closer together and giving them an excuse to interact publicly without coming out as a couple.

The timeline in The Long Game is roughly the same as in Role Model, and since Ilya is the captain of the Ottawa Centaurs, he plays a prominent role in Role Model, where he comes off as a strong leader and a good friend. Well, The Long Game shows us the same events, but from Ilya's perspective and the boy ain't doing too well. He's isolated, closeted, depressed, and suffering from acute imposter syndrome. Meanwhile, Shane is fully out as gay to the world and out to his parents and his best friend, Hayden, about his relationship with Ilya. He has a large support network and is the captain of the Montreal Voyageurs, one of the most highly ranked teams in the country. 

Ironically, the one truly good thing in Ilya's life (outside of Shane) is his shitty, low-ranked Ottawa team. The Ottawa Centaurs are truly a fantasy hockey team that could only be real in a romance novel. The team is full of good guys who aren't homophobic, aren't misogynistic, and are all just really good buds. Totally unrealistic, but let's just suspend disbelief.

The Long Game is a book about how just because you're in love doesn't mean all the problems in your life go away. Ilya becomes so depressed he seeks out a therapist. He is haunted by the specter of his mother, who took her own life. He is convinced that he can't come out to his teammates--either about his bisexuality or about Shane. It's one thing to be queer, it's another to be in love with your rival.

This is a really, really satisfying book...and, yes, there are sex scenes out the wazoo. Ilya's depression doesn't keep him from fucking Shane senseless in about 100 different ways. So again, if you're here for the boning, you've come (ha) to the right place. 

One of the most profound aspects of The Long Game is the sort of reversal of fortune that happens between Shane and Ilya. The whole story, it seems like Shane has everything he needs and Ilya is desperately grabbing onto what he can...but when shit hits the fan, Ilya finds out he has a lot more friends than he thinks and Shane finds out that friendship is fickle. But don't you worry, this is romance and the happiness is guaranteed--especially for our beloved "Hollanov". 

Grade: A

***

Should you read the books?

It depends! 

If you are OBSESSED with the show and also like to read, there is no reason not to read all of the books in the series. I'm a moderately-paced reader (not a slow reader or a fast reader) and I got through all 6 books in under six weeks. Even if they're not all great literature, they're fun, sexy and give you a lot more context for what you see in the show.

If you're OBSESSED with the show, but only want to read *good* books, I'd say make time for Heated Rivalry, Role Model, and The Long Game since these really are the best books in the series (in my opinion). They add depth and continue Shane and Ilya's storyline.

If you're OBSESSED with Shane and Ilya as a couple, read Heated Rivalry and The Long Game (unless you're trying to avoid possible spoilers for season 2, which will likely be adapting The Long Game). Again, you just get more content if you read the books, so why deprive yourself?

Stuff I watched in...February, 2026

Blue Moon

Whenever I'm asked who my favorite directors are, Richard Linklater is never top of mind. However, if I look at all the movies he's made, there are SO MANY that I adore (Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, Bernie, School of Rock, Dazed and Confused, Everybody Wants Some!!!). He's the king of "hang-out movies" where people just hang out and shoot the shit. And his explorations of friendships and relationships are just delightful to watch. His movies always have a good heart.

Blue Moon is another winner from Linklater. Filmed like a stage play, it focuses on one night in the life of lyricist Lorenz Hart (Ethan Hawke). You've heard of Rodgers and Hammerstein? Well, it used to be Rodgers and Hart. And then Rodgers started working with Hammerstein, and Hart, well, died. If you've heard the songs "My Funny Valentine", "The Lady is a Tramp", and the titular "Blue Moon", then you are familiar with Hart's lyrics. 

Blue Moon is set on March 31st, 1943--the opening night of Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma! Hart, resentful of being kicked to the curb (and least, that's how he sees it) by Richard Rodgers (Andrew Scott), slips out of the show and heads to a bar, Sardi's, where he is a regular. He proceeds to talk the ear off of the bartender, Eddie (Bobby Cannavale), the piano player, Morty (Jonah Lees), writer E.B. White (Patrick Kennedy), who just so happens to be drinking at Sardi's that night, and others. He is waiting for Elizabeth (Margaret Qualley) to show up--Elizabeth is a 20-year-old college girl and the daughter of a Broadway donor. Even though Hart is very much into men, he's also in love with Elizabeth. And it's a love he knows will always be unrequited. 

Ethan Hawke is the master at keeping his characters right on the line between "charming" and "creepy". Hart is a sad, pathetic man with a severe drinking problem that will eventually lead to his death, but he's also funny, intelligent, and very talented. In the hands of a lesser actor, Hart would come off as incredibly annoying and desperate. Hawke reveals how all of Hart's irritating characteristics hide the deep loneliness of a queer romantic underneath. It's not so much that you come away from Blue Moon charmed by Hart, but rather with a sad smile and the thought, "there, but for the grace of God, go any of us". Anyone who has been addicted to, well, anything really, will empathize with the painful pull certain substances have on intelligent people with big feelings.

I think a lot of folks may find Blue Moon cringy and annoying, as it really is just Ethan Hawke spouting one-liners and talking a mile a minute to anyone with ears, but I found it captivating, hilarious, sad, and sweet.

Grade: A

***

28 Years Later: The Bone Temple

(spoiler warning...hard to review this movie without describing the plot)

Nia DaCosta's The Bone Temple is a hard film to pin down. It's the middle film in a trilogy that is also a sequel, which means that it has the burden of tying up loose strings from last year's 28 Years Later (which was excellent) and also setting the stage for the final film in the trilogy, which doesn't have a title or release date yet.

This means that The Bone Temple is a bit chaotic and directionless. It's still very entertaining and the funniest film in the "28 _ Later" series, but it didn't really move me the way 28 Days Later or 28 Years Later did (and the other film, 28 Weeks Later, is straight up garbage).

The film picks up where the last one left off: Spike (Alfie Williams) has a run in with a gang called "The Fingers", overseen by Jimmy Crystal (Jack O'Connell) who styles himself after Jimmy Savile. If you're not British, you might not even know who Savile is. He's basically a famous British guy who sexually abused like...hundreds of people. You don't need to know anything about Savile to understand the movie. But like Savile, Jimmy Crystal is a very terrifying and horrible person. He forces Spike to fight one member of the Fingers to the death and when Spike is successful, he gets to join the gang, where he's forced to wear a blonde wig and go by the name "Jimmy" (as all the Fingers do) and go around torturing and killing people. Yay?

Meanwhile, Dr. Ian Kelson (Ralph Fiennes) is still building his ossuary (the "Bone Temple" of the title) and also hanging out with Samson (Chi Lewis-Parry), the alpha male zombie from 28 Years Later that you may remember for having an enormous penis. Kelson uses a blowdart to shoot morphine-tipped darts into Samson to keep him docile, but then Samson becomes addicted to the morphine and just starts showing up to get blow-darted. Eventually, Kelson starts shooting up alongside Samson and the two just vibe and hang out.

Are you following? It's ok if you're not. The Bone Temple is really more of a vibes movie than anything else. Eventually, the Fingers meet Kelson, and assume that Kelson is Satan because his skin is stained red with iodine and he hangs out in a friggin' bone temple. Jimmy Crystal is invested in propping up this belief that Kelson is Satan in order to exert more control over his little cult, so he forces Kelson to play along with the charade. And boy, does Kelson lean into it. When Ralph Fiennes is wearing black eyeliner and rocking out to Iron Maiden's "The Number of the Beast" while a bunch of kids in blonde wigs watch him while under the influence of hallucinogens, you know you're watching one weird fuckin' movie. 

And although the scene with Kelson pretending to be "Old Nick" himself rocks hard, The Bone Temple as a whole was just ok. I think DaCosta is a great director (she directed 2021's Candyman, which I really liked) and made a great film from a wildly chaotic and weird script, but overall I'm going to say that this one was just ok.

Grade: B

***

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You

Mary Bronstein's If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is one of the most unpleasant film-watching experiences I've had. I've watched a lot of nasty films, including movies that are often considered deeply disturbing (Gaspar Noe's Irreversible, Pasolini's Salo, or the 120 of Sodom; and Gregg Araki's Mysterious Skin among others)...but, damn. This one got me.

There's something about movies like If I Had Legs I'd Kick You that make me want to crawl out of my skin. The movie is about a woman, Linda (Rose Byrne), whose life is falling apart around her and no one is willing to help. Her husband is a cruise boat captain, so he's away for work (and an uncaring jerk to her on the phone). She is the sole caregiver for a child with a condition (likely AFRID) that requires constant tube-feeding, therapy, and care. She's a therapist whose own therapist (played brilliantly by Conan O'Brien) is a total asshole. And the cherry on top of the shit cake is that her ceiling caves in due to water damage, so she has to move with her daughter to a motel. 

The film, which let me be clear is excellent, by the way, is shot almost entirely in claustrophobic close-ups. Rose Byrne delivers an Oscar-worthy performance as Linda, a woman stretched to her absolute limit and far, far beyond. I appreciated that Linda looks like shit. Byrne is, of course, a gorgeous woman. But we see a mess of dark under-eye circles, unwashed hair, and wrinkles from god knows how many years of stress.

Aren't you just SO ready to watch this movie?? I'm serious, it's a fucking nightmare. We never see a full shot of the daughter in the movie, but we hear her and the child actress who plays her (Delaney Quinn) deserves an award for "child you most want to strangle" because this kid is something else. Remember the kid in The Babadook? This kid is worse. I loved how If I Had Legs I'd Kick You isn't afraid to make a child with a very serious illness unlikeable. 

If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is anxiety-inducing and incredibly dread-inducing. It's also really funny and the acting is top-notch. I appreciate it as a feminist work of art about how impossibly draining and identity-obliterating motherhood can be, especially for parents of sick children and ESPECIALLY for single parents with sick children. If you're someone who is upset at the idea that motherhood isn't all rainbows and unicorns all the time, you'll hate this movie. If you're someone who sympathizes with mothers (and parents) because you know, either from experience or from having empathy, it can be so hard, you'll probably still hate the movie but at least you'll appreciate it. It's definitely a film to appreciate rather than enjoy.

Grade: A-

***

Materialists

Directed by Celine Song, Materialists is a pretty movie with pretty actors and a clever script that left me feeling empty, hollow, and kind of mad. It cemented for me the sad fact that Dakota Johnson is just not a very good actor. This is a meaty role for her and while I don't think she's "bad" in it, she just comes off as flat, even when the role calls for emotion.

Johnson plays Lucy Mason, a matchmaker for rich people in New York City (at one point, Lucy reveals how much she makes: 80 grand...which is NOTHING in New York City. Especially since she has to wear nice clothes and maintain her appearance as part of her job. I couldn't believe it). Lucy believes that the dating market is indeed a market--everyone has a specific value based on money, looks, and education. If the math don't add up, you'll never make it as a couple. She previously dated John Pitts (Chris Evans), a broke caterer trying to make it as an actor, but she couldn't be with a poor man. She meets the very wealthy and very handsome Harry Castillo (Pedro Pascal) at the wedding of the woman she matched with Harry's brother. Harry is taken with Lucy and Lucy spends a significant chunk of the movie trying to convince Harry that "the math" between them will never work.

If you're asking yourself, "Why should I watch this movie about a shallow character who hates herself?", my answer is: beats me. Materialists is a fucking bummer. Materialists is a movie about how wealth makes you mentally ill. Whether it's owning the riches yourself, being in close proximity to rich people, or desiring riches, too much money fucks with your mind and steals your soul. It makes you start to see everything as a commodity: happiness, hobbies, and even people. Lucy Mason's job and proximity to wealth has tricked her into buying into the belief that people don't have innate worth because they're people. Their worth comes from money they were likely born into and looks they were also born into (and maintain with the help of said money they were born into). 

During the many conversations Lucy has with her clients, things like sense of humor or similar interests never come up. It's always "I want a man who is over 6 feet tall and makes over 500k" and "I want a woman who is a size 2 and 20 year younger than me." Some people say that these are simply "harsh truths", but I see ugly-ass, broke-ass people in love all the time...and beautiful, rich people who seem so alone and unhappy. Is "sexual market value" a "harsh truth", or is it a story people tell themselves to feel a sense of control (or to have something to blame) when it comes to love? 

I couldn't put my finger on whether or not Celine Song actually believes in this kind of thing or not. On the one hand, the ending of the movie suggests that "love, not money, wins" (Lucy ends up with John, an ending that feels phony and un-earned). But the conversations the characters have about "value" in relationships just feel too sincere to me to believe that the director rejects the concept of "sexual market value". And it's just so weird to me because her last movie, Past Lives, was such a beautiful and complex exploration of love. If I hadn't seen Past Lives, I don't think I would be as disappointed in Materialists. Hopefully Song's next film rings more true. 

Grade: C+

***

The End of the Affair

Directed by Neil Jordan and based on the novel by Graham Greene, I was extremely into The End of the Affair as a young teenager. The film strikes the perfect balance of being deeply romantic and explicitly sexual, which was exactly to kind of media I sought out as a curious 14 year old. It taught me that the best kind of men are the ones who are passionate lovers who will chase you through the rain, yelling your name, and who also have the butt of a Greek sculpture (young Ralph Fiennes can get it). 

I watched this movie a lot back in the early aughts and I loved the soundtrack, which I have on CD! But years went by and I didn't rewatch it for a long time. I saw that it was on the Criterion Channel and gave it a watch and was delighted to find that it really holds up. Even with maturity and certain level of jadedness, The End of the Affair still has the ability to produce butterflies and goosebumps, as well as tears. The story of Maurice Bendrix (Fiennes) and Sarah Miles (Julianne Moore) is a doomed one. After all, the title is "The End of the Affair", not "The Continuation of the Affair".

Sarah is married to colossal bore Henry (Stephen Rea, almost too good as the passionless husband) and begins an affair almost immediately with Maurice, a writer who moves down the street from Henry and Sarah in 1939. The film takes place in Britain during the Blitz, so Maurice and Sarah are literally fucking with bombs dropping around them. The war seems to turn the temperature up on their desire, as life and death situations often do, and the fact that Sarah's husband is a civil servant means that he's never home. After a bout of afternoon lovemaking, a bomb goes off that destroys part of Maurice's house and sends him crashing down some stairs. When he doesn't wake up, Sarah prays desperately to God and vows to stop seeing Maurice if God will let him live. She is astonished when he walks up the stairs not one minute later, perfectly fine except for a few cuts and bruises. 

Faith and fate are a big part of this film. Although Sarah never believed in God, the moment she sees her lover miraculously rise from death, she "catches belief". She also knows that she'll be held to a promise she won't be able to keep. She says "you were alive, but that meant that I was now dead", which has a double meaning. Sarah can't bear to live without Maurice, and she also knows that she'll pay the price when she eventually breaks her promise...and she does. 

The End of the Affair has this really classic feel. The story is simple and the emotions are huge. Julianne Moore and Ralph Fiennes have incredible chemistry, which keeps the movie from being overly cheesy or sentimental--you really believe in their love and you believe they would give up everything to be together. Young Jenny had great taste and I'm glad I got to experience this wonderful film through both the eyes of a girl and the eyes of a woman.

Grade: A