Sweet and Salty

 Movies: Licorice Pizza

Director Paul Thomas Anderson is really not the director for me...and yet...I really WANT him to be the director for me. Boogie Nights is the only movie he's directed that I genuinely LOVE, and it took multiple viewings to get there. I've also seen Punch-Drunk Love, Magnolia, There Will Be Blood, The Master, and Phantom Thread. These are all excellent films. But they're hard to warm up to. They're mostly about men, specifically men who range from immature to hard-to-love to straight-up sociopathic. PTA's movies read to me as horror films masquerading as drama. And I like horror, but there is something incredibly unsettling about all his films that makes them very uncomfortable to watch.

PTA's latest, Licorice Pizza, seems like an easy movie to love. Set in 1973 in the San Fernando Valley, the film focuses on the friendship between 25 year old Alana (Alana Haim, best known for being a member of Haim) and 15-going on-16 year old Gary Valentine (Cooper Hoffman, son of late, great Philip Seymour Hoffman). The two meet as Gary is getting his high school picture taken--Alana works for the company that takes the photos. They engage in a natural, easy banter. It's clear that Gary has a crush on Alana, who informs him that it would be "illegal" for them to be together.

The rest of the film chronicles their adventures separately and apart. Gary is a child actor and entrepreneur who is constantly coming up with harebrained business schemes, such as selling waterbeds, to make a quick buck. Alana is still living at home with her parents and desperately trying to leave the nest and also get men to like her. It was clear, at least to me, that Alana's self-esteem is shit. And I think that's why she keeps finding herself drawn to a non-legal teenager who thinks she's hot.

Guys, look. The age gap thing is fucking weird. And this is coming from someone who defends the age gap in Call Me By Your Name (which is 17/24, which feels worlds different than 15/25) It also feels sooooo unnecessary to the film. Everything about Alana screams "18 or 19 year old". She looks young, she's immature and unsure of herself, she lives with her parents, etc. Why couldn't PTA have made her just a tich younger. Even a 15/19 age gap would feel much less gross and made a lot more sense.

I think both the age gap and Alana's immaturity really made it difficult to enjoy this movie. While the two don't kiss until the very end...they do in fact kiss, which suggests that they will do more. And while I would say I am not quite as hard line against relationships between older teens and young 20-somethings, this is honestly a romance you can't feel good about. Alana only wants to be with Gary because he thinks she's pretty and because men her own age and older have failed her. And that's a sad basis for a romance right there. Is Alana a predator? Perhaps! But I think she is just a sad person more than anything else.

I still have to give the movie a B rating because it has many genuinely hilarious moments. There's a scene where Alana and Gary install a waterbed in the home of Jon Peters (a real life film producer), played by Bradley Cooper. Cooper plays Peters as a narcissistic psycho who tells Gary that if they fuck up his house he will kill his entire family. They end up fucking up his house and then fucking up his car, only to run out of gas with their giant truck parked right next to the car, forcing Alana to put the truck in neutral and go backwards down a giant, curving hill using only momentum. It's a great scene. 

Other scenes are not so great, such as a weird joke where a white guy who owns a Japanese restaurant that Gary frequents uses a "Japanese accent" to ask his (non-English speaking) Japanese wife what she thinks about various marketing strategies for the restaurant. This is another unnecessary, offensive thing about this movie. Also, Sean Penn is in the movie and he just straight-up sucks. I think what is really disappointing about Licorice Pizza is that the *potential* for a truly great movie is there--great acting, funny script, and a generally loose, fun vibe all around. But between the age gap romance, the casually racist jokes, and other dumb directorial choices, the film simply doesn't live up to it's potential.

I'm giving it a B, but it's a low B. 

Grade: B

Stuff I watched in...December 2021, pt. 1

Dopesick

The limited series, Dopesick, which is based on the book by Beth Macy, is an at times painfully sincere examination of the opioid crisis in the United States and the role Purdue Pharma played in getting America hooked on painkillers.

The series clearly aims to educate the audience, explaining in no uncertain terms how anyone can become addicted, that addiction is a disease and not a moral failing, and that opioids in particular are a real bitch to recover from. The only thing keeping my grade below an "A" level is that there are times when the show feels a bit like an after school special, holding the audience's hand in laying out what and how this all happened.

That said, it's still a damn good series. The acting is beyond excellent with vulnerable, heartbreaking performances by Kaitlyn Dever as Betsy Mallum, a young, queer woman who gets hooked on Oxycontin after a mining injury, and Michael Keaton as Samuel Finnix, Betsy's doctor who is haunted by the fact that he prescribed Oxy to his patients and who eventually becomes an addict himself. Additionally, performances by Peter Sarsgaard, Rosario Dawson, Will Poulter, and Michael Stuhlbarg (as Richard Sackler) round out a wall-to-wall excellent cast. In addition to the acting, the story itself is fascinating. How Purdue got away with causing so much damage for so long is infuriating and that they were able to continue pumping out this incredibly dangerous drug while blaming "drug addicts" for abusing the product really speaks to America's history of punishing sick people while rewarding those who are addicted to greed and money.

Dopesick is well worth the watch.

Grade: B+

***

The Power of the Dog

The Power of the Dog, director Jane Campion's first film in 12 years, is not a particularly violent film. Yet the film suggests that violence could break out at any moment, thus keeping the audience on the edge of their seat for the 2+ hour runtime. 

Taking place in Montana in the mid-1920s, The Power of the Dog focuses on two brothers, Phil Burbank (Benedict Cumberbatch) and George Burbank (Jesse Plemmons), who own a ranch (and much wealth). Phil is basically a sociopath who calls his brother "fatso" and has scorn for anything remotely feminine. When the men stop at a inn and meet widow Rose (Kirsten Dunst) and her teenage son Peter (Kodi Smit-McPhee), Phil mocks Peter's effeminate manner, causing Rose to cry. George comforts Rose and later he returns to propose. The two are married (fun fact: Plemmons and Dunst are married in real life) and move to George's ranch.

Phil continues to torment Rose in small but cruel ways, eventually leading her to turn to drinking. Peter goes away to college, but when he comes back for the summer, Phil seems to have changed his tune and takes the young man under his wing, teaching him the ways of the ranch. As I mention above, the film seems to promise violence--the score, by Johnny Greenwood, is filled with queasy violins that suggest a horror film; Cumberbatch's acting reminds one of an abuser--at any moment, he could explode or land a devastating insult about the very thing you're most insecure about. If there is one word to describe The Power of the Dog it's "tense". 

I won't reveal what happens, but The Power of the Dog is a very good film that rewards the viewer's patience.

Grade: B+

***

The Fly (1986)

David Cronenberg's iconic body horror film, starring the incomparable Jeff Goldblum, was a blindspot for me--something I've been meaning to watch for years and never got around to it until now. At first, I was skeptical. The movie starts out a bit clunky and I thought "well, this just feels like a very cheesy, dated film". But after Seth Brundle's (Goldblum) DNA mixes with that of a housefly, shit gets wild.

The movie was WAY grosser than I thought it would be, and trust, I was prepared for grossness. Between watching Seth pull out his fingernails as his body begins to transform and watching him vomit on his food in order to eat it, I was grossed out. The Fly is probably one of the top films you think of when you think "body horror", and it more than earns its place.

In addition to being gross, The Fly went places I did not expect. I figure the spoiler statue of limitations is up on this 35 year old film, so I can say that I wasn't expecting a fucking abortion subplot to be in this movie! I mean, I admit that the first thing I thought up when Seth and Veronica (Geena Davis) hook up is "heh heh, what if she gets pregnant with his fly-baby?"). WELP. Additionally, I was not expecting the final scene, in which Seth wordlessly begs Veronica to kill him, to hit me so hard in the feels. Even though he is utterly monstrous at this point, you still feel bad for the fly-man. 

Cronenberg, as usual, knocks it out of the park. The Fly lives up to the...buzz. 

Grade: A-

***

Honeydew

And now for a not-so-great horror movie. Recently released on Shudder, I had heard about Honeydew nearly a year ago and was super excited to watch it, only to forget about it completely. Honeydew is one of those movies about rednecks and how they'll fucking kill you. The film owes a LOT to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but is not nearly as good.

A couple, botanist Rylie (Malin Barr) and aspiring actor Sam (Sawyer Spielberg--yes, son of Steven), are traveling in New England so that Rylie can study a type of fungus that, if consumed, can make people go insane (pretty obvious Chekhov's gun there). Their car breaks down, so they set up a tent to sleep, only to be booted out by a farmer who claims they are on his property. They walk to a nearby house, where an elderly woman lives with her mentally disabled son. She offers them a room in the basement to stay the night, and of course the two end up wandering around the house and, well, things go horribly wrong.

Honeydew is a very predictable movie that hits on all the cliches: broken down car, creepy old people who live in a rural area, protagonists who can't mind their own business and end up wandering into trouble, a close call with the cops, etc etc. The minute you find out that this fungus that Rylie is studying can make people go insane if they eat it, I was like "ok, so these old rednecks are eating wheat contaminated with the fungus and are crazy. Got it". When Rylie reveals she is vegan when the old woman, Karen, tries to feed her and Sam, I was like "I bet this bitch is either going to be made to eat human meat, or will be eaten herself". Nailed it! And you might think, "well, how did you know cannibalism would be part of this movie in the first place?" Oh come on, it was so obvious. Horror movie about rednecks called Honeydew? Of course it's going to have cannibalism in it! This isn't my first rodeo.

So, while Honeydew is laughably obvious and predictable, I will give it credit for being really gross. And not in a gory way, but just in an "unclean house" way. Watching this movie is like taking your socks off in a gym changing room and accidentally stepping in water--it just makes you cringe and feel icky. But other than that, Honeydew doesn't have much to offer.

Grade: C+

***

Frozen (2010)

Nope, not the movie starring Olaf! Frozen is a 2010 horror/thriller about three people who get stuck on a ski lift. I heard about it from a YouTube channel called Possessed by Horror. She loves this movie and mentions it all the time, so I thought I'd check it out. Well, it was pretty bad.

Dan, Joe, and Parker are friends who go to a ski resort. When the resort is closing up, they beg the ski lift operator to let them go up the mountain one more time. He reluctantly agrees. Due to a miscommunication, another operator thinks all visitors have made it down the mountain and shuts off the lift, with the three friends stuck on the lift wayyyy up high and the resort shutting down around them. And the resort will be closed until the following weekend. Basically, they will freeze to death if they can't find a way down.

I found Frozen to be boring. The acting was mediocre, the attempts to add personality to the characters by having them talk about memories and personal anecdotes was tedious. It wasn't scary, it wasn't sad. It was just a whole lot of "meh", and I even fast-forwarded part of it. 

I definitely can't recommend this one unless the premise really interests you. I think with better acting and a better script, it could have been more entertaining (and similar to something like 127 Hours), but it just didn't have the right stuff.

Grade: C-

***

Tenth Anniversary Post: My Favorites since 2011

Can you believe I've stayed faithful to this blog for over 10 years? I started reviewing movies, books, and TV shows on here (mostly movies) in March of 2011, when I was 25 years old! Since then, I have provided a review of nearly every movie I've seen! I know for a fact that some have slipped through the cracks, but I'd wager that I've reviewed 90-95% of the movies I've seen this past decade. Since I have 401 entries, and some entries are batched reviews, that's probably around 500-550 movies reviewed! 

And only a small percent of those movies stay with me. I've decided to rank my top 11 movies (I like to do top 11s, rather than top 10s) since 2011, as well as some honorable mentions.

The rules for this list are:

• The must be movies, not TV shows or books
• They must have actually been released in 2011-present
• These are not necessarily "the best" movies of the past decade, they are simply my favorites.

With that said, here is the list:

11) The Lobster

Imagine if Wes Anderson directed a horror movie. It would probably be something like Yorgos Lanthimos' The Lobster, a bizarre, deadpan film that takes place in a world where people are required to be coupled up. If you become single, through death or divorce, you have 45 days to find a new partner or you will be turned into an animal of your choosing.

Colin Farrell plays David, a man who goes to a hotel where singles live until they find a mate. They have the option of hunting down people who have left the hotel to live (as singles) in the woods...they shoot these people with tranquilizers and drag them back to the hotel where they will be transformed into an animal. You get one extra day per person you shoot. David soon realizes he would rather join the singletons in the woods...but he finds a strange conundrum when he falls in love with another woods-dwelling singleton (Rachel Weisz)...and according to the rules of the singles in the woods, you cannot fall in love.

I love how The Lobster, like Lanthimos' other films, feels like a magical realism fairytale. I also like what it says about our culture and how it often pits singles against couples, while maintaining unspoken rules for both groups that don't allow for nuance. Despite the inherent goofiness of the premise of The Lobster, the film is dark as hell and contains one of the most heart-breaking depictions of dog death I have ever seen on screen, and I strongly warn anyone who hates when dogs die in movies to avoid this one like the plague. 

10) Green Room

I kind of went back and forth as to whether Jeremy Saulnier's Nazi vs. punk thriller Green Room should be ranked higher or lower than The Lobster, and I decided that it edged out Lanthimos' film since Green Room is more rewatchable. 

Starring the late Anton Yelchin and Alia Shawkat (and others) as members of a punk band who take a gig at a rural Oregon bar frequented by Neo-Nazis, Green Room quickly descends into a life-and-death situation when the band stumbles upon a freshly committed murder in the titular green room. The Nazis hold the band captive while they ask their leader, Darcy (an excellent, chilling Patrick Stewart, using his polite British accent to great effect here), what to do.

Green Room may not be the most memorable film of the past decade, but I really, really love it. It's a tight thriller with excellent acting that will keep you on the edge of your seat, even if you know what's coming.

9) Moonrise Kingdom

The Grand Budapest Hotel gets most of the glory as Wes Anderson's best "recent" movie, but in my mind it pales in comparison to Moonrise Kingdom, which contains so much heart. Granted, I saw it a few weeks before I moved from Tennessee to Virginia, leaving a boyfriend behind and starting a new job. That kind of life disruption will make you sentimental for sure, and Moonrise, which is about childhood innocence and how everyone must lose that innocence, hit me right in the guts. 

Between the quirky soundtrack, the soulful performances, and the signature Anderson color palate, Moonrise Kingdom does what Anderson does best: creates a colorful wonderland somewhere just outside of our reality, where people still have problems, but the world is somehow gentler. I rank it among Anderson's best films, alongside Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums. 

8) Lady Bird

I love a good coming-of-age movie, and Lady Bird feels especially close to home because the character is one year older than me. Saoirse Ronan's self-named Lady Bird is set to graduate high school in 2003, and I graduated in 2004. Lady Bird dates a (closeted) gay guy and I was super into an (out) gay guy in high school and went to the prom with a (different) gay guy. Lady Bird cries to Dave Matthews Band's "Crash Into Me", which was one of my favorite songs in high school. 

Director Greta Gerwig captures both the humor and sadness of growing up and going to college. The film really feels lived in and authentic. It also stars a bevy of talented young actors, including the aforementioned Saoirse Ronan, Timothee Chalamet, Beanie Feldstein, and Lucas Hedges...not to mention and wonderful, lovely performance by Laurie Metcalf as Lady Bird's mother. 

Truly, this is a warm, funny, affectionate ode to growing up.

7) Magic Mike

"The Citizen Kane of male stripper movies", Magic Mike probably pleasantly surprised as many people as it inevitably disappointed. Those who went in thinking that would see a shallow but entertaining film filled wall-to-wall with tight asscheeks were probably surprised (and maybe peeved) that the film bait-and-switches us into a drama about male friendship and how you should stay away from drugs. However, those, like me, expecting a shallow, but entertaining film who got, you know, a good fucking movie, were probably pretty excited to have our low expectations met and raised.

To be fair, the ideal way to watch Magic Mike is as if it's the first part of a two-part series alongside Magic Mike XXL, which is also a good movie that gives the audience what it wanted in the first place: MORE MAN ASS. However, if you ask me which movie I think is just the better movie, it's the original. Very funny and surprisingly heartfelt, the movie is more about Mike's (Channing Tatum) relationship with Adam "The Kid" (Alex Pettyfer), a young guy with no direction in life whom Mike takes under his wing as a newbie male stripper. 

Magic Mike does have man butt in it, as well as many laughs, but there is a surprisingly dark current running underneath all the fun and tequila body shots. The sequel, Magic Mike XXL, does away with that dark current entirely and is just plain fun. But I do think the darkness is what gives the original Magic Mike a certain weight and is the difference between "fun" and "good".

6) The Love Witch

Written, directed, produced, edited, and scored by Anna Biller, The Love Witch is one of the most unique films I've seen, well, ever. Filmed in eye-popping technicolor, it recalls movies of the 60s and 70s, even though it takes place in an ambiguous present day (even though the characters dress like it's the 60s, we see modern cars in the background...I think the film is purposefully anachronistic in the same way It Follows is). 

Samantha Robinson plays Elaine, a young woman who calls herself a Love Witch. Her goal in life is to be in love and she has some very retro ideas about gender roles...she tells her friend, Trish, that you need to care for your man, spoil him, indulge him, cook for him, etc...and in exchange you'll get what every woman secretly desires the most: love.

But don't let Elaine's attitude fool you into thinking this is an anti-feminist film. Elaine goes on to seduce and, inadvertently, kill many men in her selfish quest for love. She feeds professor Wayne a potion that causes him to fall so deeply in love with Elaine that she is turned off by his clingy behavior and leaves him, causing him to die of heartbreak (or maybe poison...). Another man kills himself after realizing he can't be with Elaine. And a third is straight-up stabbed by Elaine.

Even though Elaine is obsessed with men and thinks women should serve them, she also sees men primarily as interchangeable objects to be manipulated and discarded as she sees fit. The Love Witch is just a fun, weird horror-comedy-satire. It defies categories and conventions. It's also incredibly pretty to look at.

5) Bridesmaids

Bridesmaids is definitely one of the best comedies of the past decade. It had a lot of expectations weighing on its shoulders and it rose to the challenge. Starring Kristen Wiig as maid of honor Annie who ends up competing with glamorous Helen (Rose Byrne) to be closest to mutual friend and bride Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids has so many iconic moments: "This is a very strict plane", Rudolph shitting in the street, and every word or action to come from Melissa McCarthy's breakout role as the strange and gregarious Megan. 

Wiig was never my favorite SNL performer, but she is so perfect here as the vulnerable, jealous Annie. She elicits so much sympathy as the down-to-earth (read: poor) single friend who is scared of losing Lillian not just to marriage, but to rich Helen who has the money to do things like treat Lillian to a trip to Paris. The bridal shower freakout that the Paris trip induces in Annie is both cringey and, on some level, deeply understandable. And what's great about Bridesmaids is that is both holds Annie accountable for her bullshit while also giving her a chance for redemption--which she takes.

It's such a good-hearted, dirty-mouthed movie. And someone once told me that I reminded them of Annie, "only you're much less of a mess". Thank you...?!

4) Get Out

Get Out seemed to come out of nowhere. Released in February 2017 (Feb is infamous as a dumping ground for shitty films), I had seen a preview for it a few months earlier and thought "this could be really good...or awful". 

It turns out that Get Out would be one of the most zeitgeisty films of the past decade. Of all the movies on this list, I think this one deserves to be remembered and revisited the most. 

Jordan Peele's horror movie about white liberals who prey on Black people stars an electric Daniel Kaluuya in his breakout movie role. Who can forget those crying eyes as he sinks into the Sunken Place? Kaluuya plays Chris, who is meeting his girlfriend, Rose's (Allison Williams in a excellent villain role), parents for the first time. At first, parents Dean (Bradley Whitford) and Missy (Catherine Keener) seem to be typical awkward white Boomers who proclaim their love of Barack Obama. But after a bizarre party filled with white older people and one young Black dude (Lakeith Stanfield) who is inexplicably married to an older white woman, Chris starts thinking that something is just not right.

Turns out, Rose's family has developed a surgery where you can implant someone's brain into another person's body. White people are paying for the privilege of having their brains put in the bodies of young, Black people. Why Black people? Because they're cool! They're athletic, sexy, and...well, some of them won't be missed.

Get Out is an excellent allegory about how white people fetishize and feel entitled to Black people's bodies. Even so-called liberals do this, bragging about their love of Black culture and music, and by dating Black people not because they love the person, but because there is liberal cred in doing so. 

Race relations in America continues to be a thorny topic and white people's unwillingness to have difficult conversations and admit that they could learn to be less racist costs actual lives of Black people. Peele's film contributes to the conversation through the medium of horror, which is an excellent platform for exploring taboo subjects.

3) Midsommar

I think I've spent more money on this film than any other one on this list: I saw it three times in the theatre, and actually bought a fourth ticket to see a midnight showing of it and then didn't go when the person I was going to go with backed out. Then I rented it. So I probably spent like $55 in the pursuit of watching this film. 

To me, Midsommar is as near to perfect as a movie can get. The acting is excellent, the plot is fascinating, the film balances dread and humor while also throwing in the occasional gut-punch. I feel that while Ari Aster's Hereditary was a great, dread-inducing horror film, Midsommar is his magnum opus. 

Florence Pugh plays Dani, a graduate student who loses her entire family in tragic murder/suicide. Dani's boyfriend, Christian (Jack Reynor, excellent in a role designed to make you loathe him) clearly wants to break up with her but can't bring himself to do it in the wake of the tragedy. So when Christian and his fellow anthropology students, Pelle (Vilhelm Blomgren), Josh (William Jackson Harper), and Mark (Will Poulter), plan a trip to Pelle's native Sweden and specifically to the commune where he grew up to witness once-in-a-lifetime midsummer rituals, Dani invites herself along much to everyone's (except Pelle's) chagrin.

Although the Harga people are all smiles and welcoming words, it becomes pretty clear that they are a cult. A turning point in the movie is when Dani, Christian, and Josh witness an attestupa ceremony where two older members of the community commit ritualized suicide. Not only is this the most violent scene in the movie, it's the point where Dani has had enough and wants to leave. But Pelle convinces her to stay.

I love how people argue about whether the movie has a "happy" ending or not. The ending suggests that while all the other outsiders will die, Dani will be integrated into the cult. We don't know this for sure, but given that Pelle clearly wants to put his D in Dani and she also won the May Queen competition, I'm thinking that with enough brainwashing and love-bombing, Dani will fit right the fuck in. The question is: is this fate better than Dani going back to America and being completely alone in a culture that couldn't give a fuck about her? Is it worth losing your freedom to gain love (or "love") from a group that wants you? Maybe the real horror is that Dani is fucked either way. She may survive, and she may even thrive amongst the Harga...but it wasn't her choice to do so in the first place. 

Midsommar is haunting, devastating, yet still has enough moments of levity to not be a true bummer. It's one of my favorite horror movies, and indeed, one of my favorite movies of all time.

2) The Duke of Burgundy

In addition to The Love Witch, The Duke of Burgundy is one of the most unique film I've seen. Directed by Peter Strickland and starring Sidse Babett Knudsen and Chiara D'Anna, the film takes place in world without men or children. There are only women, so the relationship between the two leads, who play Cynthia and Evelyn, cannot be called a lesbian relationship since there is no such thing as heterosexuality. 

Additionally, the location or decade is never made clear. One can guess that it takes place in a European country in the late 60s perhaps, based on accents and contextual clues, but by allowing the film to be ambiguous, Strickland has stripped away all of the markers that guide us to make assumptions about relationships.

Cynthia and Evelyn are in a Dom/sub relationship, where Cynthia (Knudsen) is the Dominant who directs Evelyn (D'Anna) to clean her house, shine her boots, and wash her panties. However, it is revealed that actually Evelyn is running the show by writing detailed directions for Cynthia to follow. Cynthia does so out of love and devotion for Evelyn even though what she really wants to do is hold Evelyn and tell her how much she loves her (Evelyn prefers Cynthia to tell her how bad she is, so that Evelyn can furiously masturbate to Cynthia's words of disappointment and disgust).

Even though this film is weird in so many ways, I see it as a fairly accurate depiction of how BDSM relationships need to be negotiated and navigated. One issue is that Evelyn needs Cynthia to stick to the script in order to be satisfied, even though Cynthia is struggling to maintain her dominant persona. There are so many funny scenes in this movie, such as when Cynthia decides to truly dominate Evelyn by forcing her to bake a cake on her (Evelyn's) birthday and then Cynthia, wearing comfy pajamas instead of her sexy lingerie, which Evelyn prefers, eats the cake in front of her. Basically, Evelyn only wants to be dominated in ways that get her off, not caring about Cynthia's preferences.

Happily, the women work it out. In addition to the plot (I love a good S&M movie), the soundtrack is gorgeous and the cinematography and costumes are strikingly beautiful. This is such a dreamy, different film and I love showing it to people. (Maybe not my parents, tho). 

1) Call Me By Your Name

Despite Armie Hammer being revealed to be a sex cannibal, I will not let his presence ruin Call Me By Your Name, which is one of the most gorgeous, poignantly acted, sexy, sweet, sad, and soulful movies ever to grace the silver screen. I will DIE on the CMBYN hill!

Based on the novel by Andre Aciman, CMBYN follows 17 year old Elio (Timothee Chalamet in his breakout--and best--role), the only child of a professor of archaeology (Michael Stuhlbarg, playing one of the warmest fathers in film history). Elio and his parents spend their summers in Italy so that Professor Perlman can work. Perlman always has a graduate student help him, and this summer the lucky candidate is Oliver (Armie Hammer, pretty good in this role, but also miscast), a 24 year old American graduate student.

Yes, Elio and Oliver fuck. But it's a long, slow journey as the two dance around each other (sometimes literally) and test the waters before even kissing. Now, some people find this film "problematic" because of the age difference, and that's legit, even though the age of consent in Italy is (a kind of concerning) 14. Also, while Oliver makes a pass at Elio early on, he backs off when Elio pulls away from him...only for Elio to be the one to initiate the rest of their encounters. I mean, some people are not going to be ok with this and I truly think that if Oliver was played by an actor who was actually 24 and looked it, people wouldn't bat an eye (not only is Armie Hammer a creep IRL, he was 30 years old and looked even older when he was cast in this movie...I think that was a bad choice on the Luca Guadagnino's (the director) part, although Luca explicitly stated he wanted to cast someone who would feel like an unattainable god to Elio). 

So you're either in for the ride or you aren't. The reason I love CMBYN so much is the acting, mostly on Chalamet's part. The young actor 100% carries this movie on his slim shoulders. His performance is so intensely authentic that it kind of blew my mind. All complaints about Hammer aside, the two men really play off of each other very well and have pretty insane chemistry on screen. I admit that I find gay cinema to be the best cinema and my long history of loving movies about gay men in particular definitely plays a role in how much I love this movie, but I feel like there is something undeniably lovely and tender and intimate about this film. 

CMBYN's screenplay was written by James Ivory, who also directed A Room with a View and Maurice, which are movies based on books by E.M. Forster. Forster's books are deeply humane and are about the importance of love--not shallow love, but the love you feel when you are seen for who you really are. I see a lot of similarities between those books, their movie adaptations, and Call Me By Your Name--the book and the adaptation. There is a quiet feeling of introspection, a deep sense of empathy, and an open-heartedness that manages to be painfully earnest without being overly sentimental. I don't know what the secret spice is, but I fucking want more of it.

If you haven't seen CMBYN, especially if you're put off either by Hammer's presence or by the age difference thing, I implore you to give it a chance and see how you feel. There might be something in there that you will be glad you didn't miss. 

***

Honorable Mentions

Here are all the movies I have loved over the past 10 years that just didn't make it to the top:

It Follows

Her

Bernie

12 Years a Slave

Carol

Mad Max: Fury Road

The Lighthouse

Bo Burnham's Inside

Blow the Man Down

The Sound of Metal

Gone Girl

Parasite

Wild

Brooklyn

First Reformed

The Conjuring

The Wolf of Wall Street

Promising Young Woman

The Invitation

Nymphomaniac, vols. 1 and 2

Killer Joe

The Cabin in the Woods

For a Good Time, Call...

Sorry to Bother You

...and many, many more!

The French Dispatch of the Liberty, Kansas Evening Sun

 Movies: The French Dispatch

Even though The French Dispatch is a "typical" Wes Anderson movie, what with its perfectly centered, vibrantly colored shots and dry humor, it's also a departure from his previous films in one big way: it's a frame story. Or an anthology. Basically, there is the overarching plot which is the story of the final issue of The French Dispatch of the Liberty, Kansas Evening Sun--a small publication published out of an office in Ennui, France by an editor, Arthur Howitzer Jr. (Bill Murray) and a band of expatriate journalists. It's the Dispatch's final issue because Mr. Howitzer is dead (we're told this at the beginning of the movie, so it's not a spoiler). 

Within that frame, there are 4 stories: 

The Cycling Reporter

A quick overview of Ennui by "the cycling reporter", Herbsaint Sazerac (Owen Wilson), who profiles the city via a cycling tour.

The Concrete Masterpiece

A profile of an incarcerated artist, Moses Rosenthaler (Benicio del Toro), whose muse, Simone (Lea Seydoux), is also a prison guard. The journalist is J.K.L. Berensen (Tilda Swinton), who also claims to be an ex-lover of Moses. 

Revisions to a Manifesto

Journalist Lucinda Krementz (Frances McDormand) writes a feature about a college-aged revolutionary, Zeffirelli (Timothee Chalamet), whom Krementz also has an affair with (side note: there is a lot of sex in this movie for a Wes Anderson film). 

The Private Dining Room of the Police Commissioner

Easy the best of the short stories, this tale is told by Roebuck Wright (Jeffrey Wright, doing an homage to James Baldwin), a journalist who lived it firsthand. Wright is invited to a dinner at the Ennui Police Commissioner's home (Mathieu Amalric).  As he and the other dinner guests get prepared to eat a feast cooked by a legendary chef, Nescaffier (Stephen Park), the Commissioner's son is kidnapped and held for ransom.

When the kidnapped boy indicates he's hungry, a plan is formulated in which Chef Nescaffier is allowed into the home of the kidnappers to cook them all a meal as long as he of course taste-tests it for poison first. He does so, and the kidnappers feast. Unbeknownst to them, the food is poisoned, and they all die (Nescaffier survives due to the strength of his stomach)...except for one man who grabs the boy and leaves, leading the Commissioner and Wright on a high speed chance through the streets of Ennui. This chance is depicted as an animated sequence.

***

Although The French Dispatch as a whole is a bit disjointed and it nearly sags under the weight of all the stars in it, jockeying for a line or a scene (just take a look at this stacked cast...stars as big as Saoirse Ronan and Christoph Waltz have like, two lines each), I love that Anderson tried something different this time around. The film does not achieve the emotional depth of some of his other films, such as Moonrise Kingdom or even Isle of Dogs, but under all the fast-paced twee language is something warm and human and essential, as their always is within each Anderson movie. The man has a gift and you're either into it or not.

Grade: B+ 

Grotesquely Groovy

 Movies: Last Night in Soho

I'll just get right to it: Edgar Wright's Last Night in Soho is a disappointment. I went into this film with high hopes because from the trailer it looked bomb as hell: a modern-day fashion student, Eloise (Thomasin McKenzie), falls asleep and dreams that she's in swingin' 60s in London. She sees a beautiful young woman, Sandie (Anya Taylor-Joy), trying to make it as a singer in the clubs, only for it to all go horribly wrong. The student (maybe?) sees the woman's murder. But what can she do about it? Visions from the past aren't admissible evidence. But the more the student sees in her dreams, the more she becomes obsessed with the mysterious woman in her waking life.

Last Night in Soho borrows heavily, both in plot and in style, from a number of classic films--I saw bits of Repulsion, Vertigo, and Suspiria in there--but still manages to have a unique premise. I loved the concept of a young woman who has supernatural abilities (it's established early on that Eloise has visions and can see the spirit of her dead mother) and also just doesn't fit in with the modern world, follow the journey of a woman from the past in her dreams. 

Ellie's dreams of Sandie start out sexy, fun, and exciting: Sandie shows up at the popular Cafe de Paris and tells the manager, Jack (Matt Smith, excellent as a slick but dangerous man) that she wants to become a singer. Jack sees that she has natural talent and the two begin a relationship, only for Jack to start pimping her out to other men. At first, Sandie protests, but when Jack tells her that this is just how show business works and also threatens her if she tries to run away, Sandie acquiesces to Jack's demand, becoming a cynical shadow of her former bubbly self. 

At first, Ellie is inspired by Sandie and begins to design a dress she saw Sandie wear in a dream. She also changes her hair and clothing style to match that of Sandie's. It seems that the shy young woman is coming into her own. However, as the dreams turn sour, they also begin to haunt Ellie in her waking life. She goes on a quest to learn all she can about Sandie and what happened to her.

Between the solid acting, the bangin' soundtrack, and the visual flair, Last Night in Soho should have been a home run for Edgar Wright. And yet something about it just didn't work. It reminded me A LOT of Baby Driver, a movie which was designed to be cool but ended up being forgettable. Basically, the whole of both movies turn out to be less than the sum of their parts, if that makes any sense.

Ellie has a love interest, John (Michael Ajao), that really was not necessary to the plot (similar to the character of Debora in Baby Driver). There are also mean girl tormentors at Ellie's school that, again, serve no purpose to the story. 

The end of the film was a bit of a convoluted mess. The "twist" was decent (even though it was pretty obvious to me early on), but the final third of the movie felt rushed, chaotic, and confusing. I think Wright had a lot of ideas and wanted to cram them all in, and what he should have done was let the movie breathe a little bit and show rather than tell.

This is not to say that Last Night in Soho is bad, just that it didn't live up to my expectations. Other moviegoers may absolutely love it. I definitely loved parts of it, I just left the theatre deflated. Part of that is because Wright's Cornetto trilogy (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, The World's End) is SO fucking good that it's a bummer when his follow ups are merely ok. Here's hoping he finds his way back.

Grade: B-

Stuff I watched in...October 2021, part 2

Y: The Last Man

This show, based on the comic series by Brian K. Vaughn and Pia Guerra, was canceled after one measly season, much to my disappointment. While the show, which chronicles life after a virus kills off every mammal with a Y chromosome (save for two--a man, Yorick, and his pet monkey, Ampersand), was imperfect, I actually really, really enjoyed it.

I just think dystopias where the majority of people still around are ciswomen is an intriguing concept. Not because I am dumb enough to believe that a world without cisgender men would be a peaceful utopia (LOL), but because of all the little things you don't really think about when you think about a deadly event on this level. For example, the gender-segregation of jobs means that if all cisgender men died, there would be 80% fewer truck drivers, severely restricting supply lines of food and medicine. There would also be approximately 95% fewer pilots, meaning national and international travel would become quite limited. And that's just a taste. Never mind the fact that, oh, humanity would die off in a generation. I guess we do need da boyz after all! 

While one could make the case that a show where nearly all cisgender men die but we still follow the adventures of one (highly mediocre) man is ironic, we spend plenty of time with many interesting women (and one transman): new president Jennifer Brown (Diane Lane, just a fucking ass competent boss bitch), Jennifer's daughter Hero (Olivia Thirlby) and her friend/maybe more than a friend Sam (trans actor Elliot Fletcher), Agent 355 (Ashley Romans, another competent boss bitch), a secret service member tasked with getting Yorick--who is President Brown's son--to a genius geneticist, Dr. Alison Mann (Diana Bang), for testing to see how on earth he survived. And there are even more plot lines, including Hero and Sam's involvement with a group of women who call themselves Daughters of the Amazons, and a struggle for the presidency when it turns out that a right-wing nutcase in the style of Marjorie Taylor-Greene who was next in line for the presidency and was thought dead is actually alive. So, the show is about a lot more than just the titular "last man" (played by the goofy, yet charming Ben Schnetzer).

Sadly we never find out how Yorick survived because FX canceled the series! Maybe it will get picked up by another channel or streaming service. Maybe I'll just read the damn comic. But I definitely recommend this one. Despite its imperfections and the fact that it ends on an incomplete note, I enjoyed tuning in every week. The characters, good and bad, were fascinating and immensely enjoyable to watch as they navigated the brave, new, limited-dick world. 

Grade: A-

***

Lamb

Lamb is a beautifully filmed, dull as dishwater movie. The trailer for this Icelandic film, starring Noomi Rapace, gives away the plot twist, so I'm going to give it away here. So stop reading if you want to go in blind.

Married couple Maria (Rapace) and Ingvar (Hilmir Snaer Guonason) own a farm. When one of their sheep gives birth to a sheep/human hybrid baby, the couple take it and decide to raise it as their own child. Although never discussed, it is clear that the two lost a child and feel a deep need to raise one, even if it has, you know, a fucking sheep head.

All is going well until Ingvar's ne'er do well brother, Petur, shows up. Petur doesn't think raising a human/sheep kid (heh, get it...kid??) is not natural and begins to act slightly aggressively towards both the child and Maria.

I can't really say anything else, except the movie is slow and it does indeed answer the question of who fucked this sheep so that it got pregnant with a human/sheep hybrid?? The answer may surprise you! I would say the movie is worth watching if you like artsy-fartsy A24 movies, but I would not recommend paying the big bucks to see it in the theatre. 

Grade: B-

***

Dune

As someone whose genre most certainly isn't science-fiction, I really fucking enjoyed Dune! It helped to go in with a basic knowledge of the plot, and I will probably watch it again at home with the subtitles on since I missed some of the dialogue. But I'm really glad I saw it in the theatre since part of the fun of Dune is the majesty of the cinematography.

So basically, there's this planet, Arrakis. Arrakis is a desert planet with giant sandworms that eat people, so it's really hard to live there. However, a drug known as "spice" is harvested there, so Arrakis is a hot commodity. The imperial ruler of ...what, the universe? I don't know how all the politics work. Basically, the head honcho wants to start some shit, so he takes ownership of Arrakis away from House Harkonnen and gives it to House Atreides. Basically, whoever this "emperor" is sets up the patriarch of House Atreides, Leto (Oscar Isaacs) to fail since he knows that the Baron of House Harkonnen (Stellan Skarsgard) is a petty, jealous bitch and is going to send his war machine to kill everyone in House Atreides and take back the planet. Oh, also there are PEOPLE indigenous to Arrakis who are understandably resentful towards all these colonizer assholes. 

Talk about assholes! 

BUT House Atreides has a card up its sleeve: young Paul Atreides (Timothee Chalamet) has inherited the gift of witchcraft from his mother, a Bene Gesserrit (matriarchal line of witches who can command people to do shit by using "The Voice"). Paul also...might be...maybe...the Messiah?? At least, the Arrakis believe he might be. So, some of them are inclined to like House Atreides since their son might be Jesus or something. 

Basically, the movie is Paul, his mother, Jessica, and many other people trying not to die on Planet Arrakis. They are attacked by assassins, nearly eaten by sandworms, betrayed, challenged to duels, the whole nine yards. And this is just part one! 

Dune is just a fucking great time at the movies. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's worth seeing in the theatres and, hell, it's worth seeing in IMAX. 

Grade: A

***

Only Lovers Left Alive

Jim Jarmusch's tale of hipster vampires is a very calming, very slow, weirdly funny movie. It takes some patience, as most Jarmusch movies do, but the payoff is worth it. Tom Hiddleston plays Adam and Tilda Swinton plays Eve. They have been married for centuries, but Eve currently lives in Tangier and Adam lives in...Detroit. Adam is depressed. If you're a fan of all things vampires, you should know that being immortal is actually a fucking drag because it takes the meaning and joy out of life.

Eve can tell Adam is bummed, so she comes for a visit. The two drink blood and listen to music. But then Eve's messy bitch of a sister, Ava (Mia Wasikowska), shows up to ruin the party. Ava is the vampiric equivalent of an alcoholic: she drinks WAY too much blood, including "the good stuff" Adam hides from her. Hell, she even drinks Adam's familiar, Ian (Anton Yelchin, RIP). 

I. Want. That. Couch.

After kicking Ava out, Eve convinces her beloved to come back with her to Tangier, where he shows signs of giving a fuck again, after watching a woman sing in a bar. 

That's basically it. The film is short on plot and long on poetry. Hiddleston and Swinton give lived-in performances as people who after hundreds of years have so much wisdom and appreciation for art, books, and music...but still have to find reasons to get up in the...evening. I guess it just goes to show that eternal life is a little easier with your person by your side.

Excellent movie, highly recommended.

Grade: A-

***

Inside

This French extremism film is so over-the-top and batshit crazy that I was actually laughing at parts of it. 

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNINGS: It's about a damn woman that wants to cut a damn baby out of another damn woman's goddamn womb! So, that eliminates about 99% of viewers right there. 

Inside is violent as everloving fuck. There are knitting-needle stabbings, brain-blasting shootings, and aerosol-fire face-burnings. If you are squeamish about violence, don't see this fucking movie! Also, there is fetus-endangerment and infant-stealing, so if you're a new mom, and an old mom, or a childfree person who is upset at the idea of someone stealing someone's baby, don't see this fucking movie!

But for the rest of you ghouls and filthy freaks...is the movie worth seeing? Well...I mean, it was ok. It's your typical home invader type movie, including such horror tropes as "victim doesn't just leave the house at the first sign of danger" and "victim is nearly rescued about 12 times, but the bad guy (in this case, a woman wearing a long skirt and corset [???]) kills absolutely everyone who tries to save the victim". So, despite the twist involving infant-stealing, it's still kind of a cliched horror film.

Seriously, the victim in this movie, 9 months pregnant and recently widowed Sarah (Alysson Paradis) makes the mother (HA) of all stupid errors when a mysterious woman (Beatrice Dalle) shows up at her door asking to be let in, and then nearly breaks through a window. Sarah, you dum-dum, GO TO YOUR MOM'S HOUSE!! But nooooo...Sarah calls the cops, who LEAVE THE DOOR STANDING WIDE OPEN as they talk to her (and yes, the woman who wants to steal Sarah's baby creeps in through the open door without anyone noticing), and when they don't find anyone outside, they leave and Sarah stays in the house. The fuck?! If I were 9 months pregnant and a woman tried to break my window, I'd go to my parents' house or a friends house or a hotel like a normal person!

But then we wouldn't have a movie, would we? Sarah awakens to the woman (not given a name) sticking a pair of giant scissors in her bellybutton (NOPE) and she fights off the woman and locks herself in the bathroom. The next hour is a fight for her life that ends with...her dying while the woman performs a C-section and steals her baby. So it's not even a happy ending. Oh, also, there's a scene where Sarah burns the woman's face really badly--to the point where her face is black. And the woman survives this?? What!?? 

So, Inside is just...it's a lot. It certainly lives up to the genre of "new French extremity" because it's pretty extreme. But the extremeness just took me right out of it. By the time the burned-face woman, who looked like a werewolf, was fighting off a cop that she had blinded, who looked like a zombie, I was laughing my ass off. 

I have no plans to watch this movie again. Not because I was offended or disgusted, but because it wasn't an intriguing horror film. I'll watch "torture porn", as evidenced by my willingness to watch all the Saw movies in one week, but they rarely make my rewatch list because so many of them are one-trick ponies. 

Grade: C+

Why Horror?

I used to think of myself as someone who once hated horror movies, but grew to love them. However, if I really take a close look at my life--including my childhood--I've always had a deep love of all things dark, disturbing, and creepy.

When I was a kid, I read scary stories voraciously. Yes, the classic Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark by Alvin Schwartz with those unforgettable illustrations by Stephen Gammell (important note: Gammell also illustrated other children's books of the 70s, 80s, and 90s, such as The Relatives Came by Cynthia Rylant and Song and Dance Man by Karen Ackerman. Elder millennials know his art well), but also In a Dark, Dark Room, also by Alvin Schwartz, the nonfiction books of Daniel Cohen, most notably his book about horror movies from the silent era until the 70's, and The Very Scary Almanac by Eric Elfman. Not to mention the insanely popular Goosebumps series. By 7th grade, I was reading Stephen King's very much not-for-children fare. 

I developed a fascination with Vlad the Impaler and Elizabeth Bathory when I was pretty young. Reading about historical torture devices interested me to a degree that probably freaked my parents out (did they even know?). In short, I was a morbid little turd. And I can assure you that none of these deviant interests turned me into a serial killer or someone with violent tendencies. Because being into scary, disturbing things doesn't make you violent, it makes you curious. And, if there is something I want more than anything in this life, it's to KNOW. 

The desire to know things...not just anything, but the stuff you're not supposed to know...goes hand in hand with my anxiety, which is as much a fixed facet of my personality as anything else. When I was a kid, I'd always ask my parents "what if" questions: "what if I wake up and there's a bug in my room?", "what if Sarah is mean to me again on the playground" (FUCKING Sarah), "what if you're not there?". I was so scared, so anxious--I just wanted answers. I just wanted to know what the plan was. 

That desire to have answers followed me into adulthood. I want to know what happens in managers meetings at work. I want to what people say about me when I'm not in the room. Hell, I even want to know what bullshit Trump is spewing in his ever more insane press releases now that he's cut off from Twitter. But, as you can imagine, I--and everyone else--shouldn't really know everything. Not if we want some amount of peace of mind. 

So, what does all of this have to do with horror movies? Horror movies scratch so many of the itches I naturally possess: the need for catharsis, the curiosity about terrible things, the desire for media that so consumes me in the moment that my anxious brain can have a rest. Yes, horror can be soothing for anxious minds. Sounds crazy right? Here's an easy to read article about the phenomena and here's a more academic one. Obviously, this doesn't hold true for everyone. Among my own circle of friends, I know people who have chronic anxiety who either hate or are neutral on horror films. Just as medication doesn't work for everyone and yoga doesn't work for everyone, horror films (and other forms of horror-tainment) won't be an effective coping strategy for everyone suffering from anxiety disorders. 

But for those it does help, there is a certain logic to it. Horror movies allow you to experience fear and anxiety in an objectively safe situation. Yes, you might feel unsafe, but in reality, you're just fine. Now, why would you willingly choose to feel fear and anxiety? Well, for one thing it's a form of exposure therapy. We tend to avoid so-called "negative" emotions and feelings, but as anyone who has studied mindfulness and/or Buddhism knows, it's important to "make friends" with those negative emotions (check out Tara Brach's life-changing book Radical Compassion for more about accepting difficult feelings). Watching scary movies lets us approach those intimidating feelings and practice living through them. 

Another reason is catharsis. What is catharsis? It is "the process of releasing, and thereby providing release from, strong or repressed emotions". What are some emotions we like to repress? Sadness. Anger. Fear. What kind of media do we often reach for during a difficult time, like a breakup or the death of a loved one? Tearjerkers. Alanis Morrisette's Jagged Little Pill. Things that help us cry and scream. Likewise, if you have a lot of anxiety and fear, reaching for media that encourages bringing those feelings to the forefront can have the same effect as watching a movie like Beaches or The Notebook when you need to cry. 

Finally, horror movies are just fucking good. Horror used to be a maligned genre, but thanks to Ari Aster, Jordan Peele, and other horrenaissance directors, scary movies are getting more respect than ever. But you don't need to watch snooty, artsy horror movies to get that buzz. Many people prefer classic slashers to the intensity of films like The Babadook or Midsommar, which are about the horrors of grief and isolation. 

Me? I tend to like the artsy ones. But they also have to be good and well-paced. Slow burns are ok, as long as they, in fact, burn. Nothing's worse than wanting to be scared and watching a slooooooow horror movie where nothing happens. 

With that in mind, here is a pretty comprehensive list of my favorite horror movies with a short description and, instead of a rating, I'll rank them from least intense to most intense, so horror novices who want to get into the genre can start at the with the easier films and work their way to the scarier ones.

Happy screaming!

***

Rosemary's Baby

The scariest thing about this 1968 film based on the novel by Ira Levin is that it's directed by a guy who went on to rape a child. You might have heard of him--Roman Polanski? I definitely wouldn't fault anyone for avoiding this tale of a woman who is tricked into bearing Satan's child due to who directed it, but if you're looking for a classic horror movie that has no gore, no jump scares, but a deep sense of paranoia and tension, this might be the one for you.

Get Out

Jordan Peele's social-horror film about the treachery of white liberalism is really more of a thriller with horror elements. And it is one of the best films of the 21st century. Even if you're the biggest scaredy-cat on the planet, you probably should still see Get Out since it is now part of our shared cultural conversation around race. 

The Invisible Man (2020)

Another thriller-with-horror-elements, Leigh Whannell's modern take on the H.G. Wells novel is about a woman on the run from her abusive--and very rich--boyfriend. When she is told that said boyfriend is now dead, Cecilia can finally be at peace...or can she? There are a few jump scares in this movie, and some violence, but nothing overly gory. 

The Invitation

Directed by Karyn Kusama (who also directed Jennifer's Body), The Invitation is all about the slow build up of tension during a party thrown by a married couple who invite the wife's ex-husband and his new girlfriend. At first, most of the tension revolves around the relatable awkward dynamics of being at a party with your ex. But when the conversation pivots to the couple sharing about a group they joined called "The Invitation", we have to wonder if something more devious is going on at this party. This is truly one of the most tense movies I've seen and you never know what's *really* going on until the very end. There is some violence, but nothing over-the-top. 

The Shining 

Now we're moving from kinda-horror to straight-up horror, although Stanley Kubrick's The Shining is still fairly safe for horror novices. If you don't live under a rock, you're probably at least somewhat familiar with this movie. Hell, The Simpsons did an entire parody of it. A family moves into an empty hotel in the mountains of Colorado to basically "hotel-sit" for the winter season. However, the dad gets cabin fever and goes bananas, trying to kill his wife and kid. There are some truly unsettling images (see below!) and run-of-the-mill violence, but I watched this movie alone in my unfinished basement when I was 12, so I'm sure you adult readers out there can handle it!

The Silence of the Lambs

The Silence of the Lambs is notable for being one of the very, very few horror-thrillers to ever win Best Picture at the Academy Awards. Although it has aged poorly in its discussion of transgender people (although to be fair, the movie explicitly states that Buffalo Bill is NOT trans), the movie holds up as one of the most chilling films of all time. There's a scene at the end where Jodie Foster must hunt down a bad guy in total darkness that is probably one of the best movie scenes, period, in cinema history. 

The Conjuring

While all the films above are relatively safe for horror novices, we are now moving into genuinely scary and/or gory/intense territory. The Conjuring is a haunted house movie based on supposedly true events (I have no opinion of whether or not the Warrens were scam artists). You have jump scares, ghostly figures, screaming kids--the whole shebang--in this movie. But it's a damn good movie, period. There are now a fuckton of movies set "within The Conjuring universe" but the only really good one is this OG movie about a family tormented by the spirit of a dead woman in their new home. 

Candyman (1992)

The 2021 sequel is really good, but the original Candyman sets the stage for one of the most romantic and tragic horror villains of all time. In present day, a grad student is researching urban myths and runs across the story of Candyman--a killer with a hook for a hand--based out of the Cabrini-Green projects in Chicago. She awakens his spirit...and his heart, as she reminds him of his lost love. Candyman has violence (including a dead dog), child endangerment, jump scares, a fuckton of bees, and a white savior narrative...so watch at your own risk! 

Insidious

Though merely PG-13, Insidious scared the fuck out of me, so I can only assume it will scare the fuck out of others. A married couple have two sons. When one son falls and hits his head, he falls into a coma--and weird things start happening around the couple's house. They are convinced the house it haunted, so they move...only for weird shit to start happening in the new house. It turns out that their son (still in a coma, although being kept on life support at home) is haunted. More specifically, he is somewhere on the astral plane, which allows creepy shit to come from another dimension into this dimension. Yeah, it's a weird premise...but there is some spooky shit in this movie that you will not be able to unsee, including one of the most intense jump scares of all time. Also, the idea that PEOPLE can be haunted freaks me out personally. 

Midsommar 

The infamous Midsommar is not super scary in the traditional sense--it's more disturbing and upsetting than anything else. A young woman loses her entire family in a horrible tragedy and her piece of shit boyfriend is no help. So when she takes a trip to Sweden with that boyfriend and his grad student friends, she is excited to potentially leave some of that grief behind. Too bad the commune they're visiting is a DEATH CULT! Midsommar has one (long) scene of horrifically gruesome violence and a LOT of heavy emotions. It's also really funny, beautifully shot, well-acted, and just an all-around excellent film. Some people even say it has a happy ending. I guess you'll have to watch it to see how you feel about the final shot of the film.

It Follows

The unique premise of this film is what makes it so scary: an entity, we don't know exactly what, can take the form of any human being. If you have sex with someone the entity is haunting, it will then begin following you at a slow, yet steady pace. You can run from it, but it will never stop following you until it kills you. The only way to get rid of it is to have sex with someone else--BUT, if they die, it reverts back to you. It Follows is not particularly gory, but it is unsettling to the max. The fact that the entity takes the form of a person who just walks at you means the viewer will be scanning the screen the whole time, wondering where the entity will be next. This is a great movie for people who like to be scared, but don't like a lot of violence.

The Ring 

Another PG-13 film that almost gave me a heart attack, The Ring is legitimately terrifying on every level. It has unsettling images, jump scares, creepy children, people walking/crawling funny, etc. I once watched this movie with my extended family and my uncle, usually a alpha male type, exclaimed at one point "this really is a nightmare!!". The Ring is one of the few movies that caused me to lose sleep for a while after I saw it the first time AND I make a point not to think about it too much to this day because it will keep me up at night. Even though probably many of us saw the film in middle or high school, I would only recommend it to people who WANT to be scared.

Hereditary

Take the emotional torture porn of Midsommar and combine it with the unsettling images of The Ring and you have Hereditary. Ari Aster's breakout film was marketed so shrewdly to hide a HUGE twist that is both emotionally horrifying and nausea-inducing. A family faces one of the worst things that could happen, which leads mom Annie to start attempting to communicate with the dead. Creepy shit goes down. *Put on Stefon voice* This movie has it all: the occult, ghosts, gruesome images, jump scares, creepy shit happening in the background, parents screaming at children...you name it! While not as polished (or as good, in my opinion) as Midsommar, Hereditary is freaky, hands down. You will be scared and you will be unsettled.

The Descent 

The Descent is probably the scariest movie I've seen because of one word: claustrophobia. A group of female spelunkers explores a cave, only for the entry to collapse, trapping them inside. It turns out that the leader of the group knew the cave was unmapped but thought it was a good idea to explore it anyway. As the group works to find a way out, they realize that they are not alone--some cave-dwelling humanoids are down in the dank depths with them. And they're hungry. The Descent works on two levels: one, being trapped in a cave is terrifying. Two, humanoid creatures are terrifying. But humanoid creatures stalking you while you're trapped in a cave is mind-blowingly scary. While not as violent as some of the movies on this list, The Descent is the stuff of nightmares.

Honorable mentions:

A list of scary movies that are also good, but didn't make it onto my list for various reasons:

Green Room

You're Next

The Poughkeepsie Tapes

Lake Mungo

Us

The VVitch

A Dark Song

Suspiria

The Cabin in the Woods

The Love Witch

The Lighthouse

Ready or Not

The Babadook

Bram Stoker's Dracula

...and so many more!

Stuff I watched in...October 2021, part 1

Midnight Mass

Mike Flanagan is quickly becoming a household name. The director of quality horror films, such as Hush and Gerald's Game, and the creator of the incredibly scary The Haunting of Hill House and The Haunting of Bly Manor, he is well-respected in the horror genre as someone who can fit both heavy emotions and legitimately pants-wetting terror into his work.

Midnight Mass is the latest of his "limited series" shows and, in some ways, is his most ambitious work yet. The show is a meditation on intense topics such as the after life, blind faith, redemption, and forgiveness. However, it suffers from one of Flanagan's signature quirks: LONG-ASS SPEECHES. In every episode of this show, multiple characters talk AT LENGTH about what happens after we die, the nature of God, etc etc. It really handicaps an otherwise very solid TV series.

Riley Flynn (Zach Gilford) is the prodigal son of Crockett Island, a small fishing town somewhere in the Northeast (although, puzzlingly, no one has a Mainer or similar accent). Riley spent four years in prison for killing a woman after driving drunk. His loving mother invites him back into his childhood bedroom so that he can get his feet under him. But his gruff father has a harder time forgiving him.

Meanwhile, the community eagerly awaits the return of Monsignor Pruitt--an elderly priest who has led their local church for decades--from a trip to Israel. Crockett Island is very Catholic, with the exception of Sheriff Hassan, a practicing Muslim, Sarah Gunning, the local doctor and a closeted lesbian, Joe Collie, the town drunk, and Riley, who looked for God in prison and never found him. These four people find themselves not treated cruelly (except for maybe Joe, who is a scapegoat), but constantly pressured to conform and come to church. 

Well, Pruitt doesn't return. A younger priest, Paul Hill (Hamish Linklater, in an electric role), comes to town and explains that Monsignor Pruitt is recovering on the mainland since he fell ill during the trip. Under Father Hill's care, the town begins to see literal miracles happening: poor eyesight is regained, bad backs no longer hurt, and most miraculously of all, a young woman confined to a wheelchair after a terrible accident gets up and walks. All the faithful of Crockett Island are rapturous and become more and more zealous, with their faith rising to a fever pitch on Easter. 

Meanwhile, Riley and the nonbelievers feel that something unexplainable, yet terrible and wrong, is happening. But how can they convince the believers to listen to them when the evidence of "miracles" is all around them? 

Midnight Mass is about the horrors of blind faith. It is critical--though not damning--of Christianity. I have the sense that Flanagan is a man of faith (religion and faith show up in many of his other works) and this is his passion project in criticizing other people of faith who take it too far. But the film still comes down on the side of "it is better to believe in something rather than nothing". At least that's the sense I was left with. Others may disagree. 

If you're wanting to be scared shitless, check out The Haunting of Hill House, which sets the gold standard for haunted house stories, in my opinion. But if you want a little horror mixed in with long conversations about what might happen after we die, whether AA (with its "higher power" talk) is really the best option for those in recovery, and how a parent can forgive a child who disappointed them, etc...Midnight Mass with probably be your bag. I thought it was good, but I think Flanagan needs an editor to help him refine and cut down his florid writing before he can achieve true greatness.

Grade: B 

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Seance

Directed by Simon Barrett, a longtime collaborator of Adam Wingard, Seance is a mediocre, paint-by-numbers horror film set in a modern day boarding school. 

After a late-night prank leads to the death of student Kerrie, a spot opens up at the Edelvine Academy for Girls. Camille Meadows (Suki Waterhouse) is accepted into the school and immediately makes an enemy of a clique of popular girls. However, spooky happenings lead Camille and the popular girls to work together to try to contact the "Edelvine Ghost". 

One by one, the girls either go missing or are found dead under peculiar circumstances. Is there a vengeful ghost--or ghosts--haunting the school? Or something else? 

Honestly, there are so many lazy and dumb things about this movie. First of all, they don't even conduct a seance--the girls use a makeshift planchette using a phone case and a lipstick tube to talk to the ghost. So the title isn't even accurate! The film is also rife with boarding school cliches including:

• Actresses who look way older than the characters they're playing
• All the students are incredibly gorgeous
• A budding lesbian relationship
• A headmistress who is not only severe and strict, but has an English accent despite this school being located in the United States.
• No one ever goes to class and when they do, the classes are ballet and theatre tech (i.e not boring classes like math). Also, all the main characters are all in the same classes

Despite the pretty cinematography and beautiful musical score, Seance is a snoozer of a horror movie. Feel free to pass this one up. 

Grade: C

***

Ouija: Origin of Evil

This movie, directed by the famous Mike Flanagan (see Midnight Mass, above), is know for being a rare sequel (in this case, a prequel) to a movie that turns out to be better than the original film. While 2014's Ouija is currently sitting at a 6% on Rotten Tomatoes, Ouija: Origin of Evil is sitting at a plump 82%. 

Starring Elizabeth Reaser as Alice Zander, a young widow raising two daughters, Lina and Doris, in 1967, Ouija: Origin of Evil has an interesting premise: what if scam artists suddenly discovered their scams were real? Because Alice no longer has a husband, she has to find a way to make ends meet. She performs seances to give grieving loved ones peace of mind that their family members are comfortable in the afterlife. Alice recruits her daughters to help her with the "showmanship"--shaking tables, candles that seem to blow themselves out, and ghostly apparitions. 

But when Alice buys a ouija board to spice up her little shows, all hell literally breaks loose. It seems that youngest daughter Doris is able to communicate with the dead using the board. She is able to talk directly to her dead father. Alice sees this as a miracle where older sister Lina is skeptical...especially when the normally sweet Doris begins to act cruel and distant. 

Though the final third swings for the fences a little TOO hard, Ouija: Origin of Evil has an interesting plot, some genuinely good scares, and decent acting. This is not Flanagan's best work, but given that the man is a genuine talent, his direction takes what could have been a shitty sequel to a shitty movie and elevates it to a decent flick.

Grade: B

***

The Guilty (2021)

Do you like to see pretty men cry? Then this is the movie for you! A nearly word-for-word remake of the 2018 Danish film of the same name (which I reviewed in my "Movies I watched in September" entry), The Guilty stars Jake Gyllenhaal as Joe Baylor, a cop in the LAPD who is benched while awaiting trial for killing a 19 year old man. He is assigned to answer emergency calls, and when a woman named Emily (Riley Keogh) calls one night, Joe becomes increasingly invested in her situation. Emily is in a car with a man she is afraid of. She pretends she is talking to her child while Joe asks her "yes" and "no" questions to determine where the car is headed so that he can send help.

The film hinges on an absolutely devastating twist that, of course, had less impact given that I've seen the original. Still, seeing an actor I love go through a roller coaster of emotions was enjoyable, even though I knew where the film was headed. Because the Danish and American versions of this film are nearly identical, and also because I don't want to give away too much of the plot, there's not a whole lot I can say about this film. If you like thrillers that focus mostly on one actor and take place in one location (think Colin Farrell in Phone Booth, Tom Hardy in Locke, and Ryan Reynolds in Buried), you'll probably enjoy The Guilty. I suppose I slightly enjoyed the American remake a bit more than the Danish original because it stars one of my favorite actors (who can hit it out of the park with a sobbing/whimpering scene, for sure). But since the two films are so, so similar, I'm going to give them the same grade.

Grade: B

***

Dolls

Dolls is a horror film from 1987 about, well, dolls. I saw parts of it as a child and it scared the fuck out of me, so I recently rewatched it for funsies to see if it still holds up. The answer: um, actually yes. It's still pretty fucking creepy. However, the humor in the movie is horrendously dated (not in an offensive way, just in a cheesy way) and the acting is atrocious. So, if you're looking for a scary movie to make fun of, but that might still creep you out--Dolls might fill that need.

The film takes place in rural England. An American family--Dad David, Stepmom Rosemary, and daughter Judy--is on vacation in the English countryside when their car breaks down during a thunderstorm. They spy an big, old house nearby and seek shelter with an elderly couple, Gabriel and Hilary, who live there. Gabriel is a doll maker, and so the entire house is filled with the creepy little poppets. But young Judy isn't afraid of the dolls--including a "Punch" doll that Gabriel gives her to hang on to. 

Three other strangers arrive: nice guy Ralph (basically a poor man's John Candy), and two English tarts, Enid and Isabel, who are obnoxious and loud. The movie really makes clear who the good guys and bad guys are from the get-go. 

Throughout the night, the dolls come alive and...well, they don't murder the bad guys per se. It's a little different than that. You'll have to see the movie to get what I'm talking about. But they definitely commit acts of violence on everyone except Judy and Ralph. Even though the movie is super corny overall, the dolls are actually pretty scary. A child watching this would likely have nightmares for weeks. And adult might just shudder at the uncanny valley-ness of it all. 

So do I recommend Dolls? Meh. It's not great. But if you like cheesy 80s horror, or wish there were even more movies in the "Chucky" series, it might provide a night of entertainment. 

Grade: C+

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